“Waltzing matilda, waltzing matilda You’ll come a waltzing matilda with me And he sang as he watched and waited ’til his billy boiled You’ll come a-waltzing matilda with me…”
Frodo: Where the bloody hell have you been?
Translation: Frodo: You’re late!
Gandalf: (laughing on the wrong side of his face) There are no flies on a wizard, Frodo, You are talking through the back of your neck. I said I’d be here this arvo and here I am…Gave meself an early mark…..I’m right on time mate!
Translation: Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early.
He arrives precisely when he means to.
Tr – Frodo: It’s wonderful to see you Gandalf!
Gandalf: MAAAAAAAAAATE!!! I wouldn’t miss yer uncle Billy’s bash fer quids, mate!
Tr – Gandalf: You didn’t think I’d miss your Uncle Bilbo’s birthday?
Frodo: Give us the drum on O/S from the bush telegraph! What’s the good oil mate?
Translation: Frodo: What news of the outside world – tell me everything!
Gandalf: Give you all the drum? You’re right off the planet for a hobbit! Might as well be up a gum tree!
Translation: Gandalf: Everything? You are eager and curious for a hobbit
– most unnatural.
Gandalf: Poo stinks, eggs don’t bounce and you can’t buy generals in a general store! And you can thank Hughie that the bloody ethnics wouldn’t know a hobbit from a bar of soap!
Translation: Gandalf: Well, what can I tell you. Life in the wide world goes on much as it has this past age, full of it’s own comings and goings. Scarcely aware of the existence of hobbits, for which I am very thankful.
Scene 2: Shire Landscapes…..Gandalf and Frodo are riding in a little cart through Hobbiton…..They drive past the preparations
for Bilbo’s party……
Gandalf: Deadset, a long overdue birthday bash
Translation: Gandalf: Oh, a long-expected party.
Gandalf: So how is the old B%$,*&d? I hear it’s going to be a real piss up!
Translation: Gandalf: So how is the old rascal? I hear it’s going to be a party of special magnificence.
Frodo: You know Bilbo – He’s got everyone going off like a frog in a sock.
Translation: Frodo: You know Bilbo – he’s got the whole place in an uproar.
Gandalf: Whacko! Be better than a poke up the arse with a burnt stick for him. Good O!
Translation: Gandalf: Hmm now well that should please him, hmm
Frodo: Strike a light! Every B@#%,$d and his dog will be at the shivoo.
Translation: Frodo: Half the shire’s been invited.
Gandalf: Strewth! I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!
Translation: Gandalf: Good gracious me!
Frodo: Yer, the old cootes playin’ funny buggers again.
Translation: Frodo: He is up to something.
Gandalf: Fair suck of the sauce! me little vegemite.
Translation: Gandalf: Oh really……
Frodo; Don’t come the raw prawn with me We get a touch of the mulga madness in town now cause of you. We Bagginses were once true blue.
Translation: Frodo: Alright keep your secrets. Before you came along we Bagginses were well thought of.
Gandalf: It stands out like a crow in a milk bucket.
Translation: Gandalf: Indeed.
Frodo: Jesus wept! You never drew the crabs or wanted to know the ins and outs of a chooks bum?
Translation: Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.
Gandalf: I’ll be buggered! There’s no flies on you mate. That over grown worm? I was just a blow in for a while. No I just put the boot in and told your uncle to rattle his dags.
Translation: Gandalf: If you are referring to that incident with the dragon, I was barely involved, all I did was give your uncle a little nudge out the door.
Frodo: I don’t give a rats mate, but all the coves round here know you like to stir the possum.
Translation: Frodo: What ever you did, you’ve been officially been labeled a disturber of the peace.
Gandalf: Like I could give a toss.
Translation: Gandalf: Ohh really?
Ankle Biters: Gandalf, Gandalf,……fireworks(bungers, Roman candles, Catherine wheels, sparklers remember cracker night?)
Translation: Children: Gandalf, Gandalf… fireworks…
(Gandalf fires off some fireworks, the children cheer, Proudfoots looking on)
Frodo: Gandalf, you old b@$,@*d. I’m a happy little vegemite, now that you are back.
Translation: Frodo: Gandalf, I’m glad you’re back.
Gandalf: You can bet London to a brick that I am too me little cobber.
Translation: Gandalf: So am I dear boy, so am I.
Sign on gate:
“Piss off, the lot of youse
Unless you brought beers.”
Except on party business.”
to be continued………..