Goldbreath was happy. Today was another perfect day. It was pouring rain, but a little sunspot followed her, making her perfect golden hair glisten. She was radient, and she knew it. Goldbreath found the Fellowship. They were in Mordor. They were scared because Frodo had just destroyed the ring. He came surfing down Legolas-style on a rock. Sam was close behind. The Fellowship was safe. Goldbreth had a mission to do. She walked over to them.
Aragorn was the hottest; anyone could see. Goldbreath threw herself on him. “Kiss me, Aragorn!”
Aragorn could see that she was beautiful, and a total brat, and also about fifty years younger than him, and besides, he just had another touching dream where he’d communicated with the dying Arwen. “No.” He pushed her away.
She fell into Legolas’s arms. “Kiss me, Legolas!”
“No!” Legolas pushed her towards Gimli.
“Kiss me, Gimli! but you have to shave first!”
“No no no!” Gimli shoves her to the hobbits. One by one this happens to all of them, and she went flying into Aragorn’s arms again. He shoved her at Borimer in distaste.
“Aaah! Boromir! Noooooo!”
“Boromir! You’re alive!” yelled the hobbits.
So is everyone else who’d died, including Sauron’s messenger with the bad teeth. “Kiss me, messenger!”
The messenger kissed her and she died instantly.
“She’s dead!” the hobbits chorus.
“Oh darn,” says Legolas. The messenger spits slimy black stuff on the ground. Legolas gives him a breath mint. They become best friends. All of Mordor and the good guys unite, the Nazgul repent, and everthing becomes peace and harmony, as was Goldbreath’s mission. And so it was that Middle Earth became a happy place. Mount Doom was hung with Christmas lights, Sauron got a contact lens and some eyedrops for itchy, burning eyes, Gollum got speach therapy, and Sauron got his stomach-hole peirced. The messanger is glorified for his victory over the gold-haired-stranger, who becomes a horror story that hobbit-parents tell their hobbit-children when they won’t go to sleep at night.
All uncannonness in the movie is mocked to no end. And there was happiness forever. yay.