Frolijah – Part 6
A Conspiracy Re-Unmasked with the Help of Bad Jokes
Frolijah sat sedately back in his chair. He may have gotten control of himself after the “mushroom incident,” or perhaps the way I had tied his hands behind his back had worked. In any case, the former actor was no longer raving about mushrooms.
“So,” said Merry. “Are you going to tell me what happened, or just leave me in the dark?” Frolijah mumbled something incomprehensible which might have been – if the others hadn’t known better – A bunch of nothing that didn’t happen in the movie. But, of course, there was no such thing as a movie; so Pippin gave Merry a full account of what had happened.
“I should think you were making it all up,” said Merry when Pippin had finished. “Had I not seen some of it with my own eyes. What do you think, Frodo?”
“I think this was a bad idea;” Frolijah muttered, a dark look on his face.
“Cousin Frodo has been very close lately,” said Pippin. “But I think perhaps we could help him by starting it for him.”
“What do you mean?” Frolijah asked, completely bewildered. Help him with what?
“Just this, my dear old Frodo,” Merry said. Frolijah looked rather grumpier for being called `old,’ but kept his silence. “You are miserable because you had to leave -”
“You’ve got that right.”
“- the Shire too early and didn’t know how to say goodbye. You’ve not been as secretive as you thought. You’re not going to escape from your friends as easily as that!”
“I must go?” Frolijah asked. But no one heard the question mark on the end of his sentence. “It’s dangerous; I know that.”
“Yes!” said Pippin. “You must go – and therefore we must also!”
“Of course,” said Frolijah. “I knew that. After all, Merry’s the only one who’s sword can ki – I mean, er . . . Gandalf . . . the elves said I should take willing friends. And . . . you’re willing and know about it anyway.” Frolijah ended quickly.
The other hobbits stared at him. “How did you know we knew?” they asked all at once.
“Oh, your little conspiracy,” Frolijah answered. “I’m not that blind.”
I slapped my forehead: “Doh!”
“You knew also?” Merry turned to me in surprise. “I had thought it was a compete secret! The whole Shire must be talking about it.”
“They don’t know,” I said quickly, interruption Frolijah. “It was, er, just us. We see a lot, you know. Oh, my, look at the time! If we’re going to get up before dawn like the song said, we’d better head to bed now!!” I sounded way to perky; even for my ears.
“How did you know about the song?!” Pippin asked incredulously.
“Heard you practicing,” Frolijah quipped, “good night.” The actor half-fled from the room. I followed suit, leaving three very befuddled hobbits behind.
“Alice!” Frolijah called loudly in my ear. “Get up – we’re going!” I jerked up, hitting my head on the bedpost, and groaned in response. I saw Frolijah through bleary eyes. He was laughing softly. “What, don’t you like walking, sleepy-head? It’s already 5:40!”
I groaned again and buried my face in the pillow. He was insane; it wasn’t even 6:00 yet! “Get up, get up, you’ve gotta get up,” Frolijah sang, obviously enjoying my misery. I wondered for a moment just what kind of mushrooms we had had the previous night.
But by six o’ clock we were all out the door and headed towards the Old Forest. At the edge of the Hedge, we halted. “Good-bye, Frodo!” Fatty said. “I wish you were not going into the Forest.”
“Thanks for the encouragement,” Frolijah answered. “Be sure to thank Alice for a lovely weekend.” I glared at him. He smiled back sweetly, and began to quietly hum the tune from `Mission: Impossible.’
We went into the woods, which didn’t seem too bad. But after a while, they became hot and stuffy. After a while, Frolijah tried a song, but it came out as little more than a murmur:
“Into the Woods,
Into the Woods,
Into the Woods
And out of the Woods,
And home before dark!”
He stopped suddenly, and tilted his head. I may have been imagining it, but I could have sworn the trees were singing the Twilight Zone music. “Oh, this is ridiculous! It’s like a horror movie in here. I need something cheerful,” Frolijah said. “Here, I’ll teach you all a song. It’s called the three Amigos, but we can change it to four.” I noticed how he did not say `five.’
“It goes like this: “One for each other and all for one
The Three brave Amigos are we
Brother to Brother and everyone
A brave amigo
Fighting for justice and liberty
Where ever you find is where we will be
For the three brave amigos are we
“We are the three Amigos
We are the three Amigos
“Over the mountains across the plains
The three brave amigos are we
Stamping out evil till none remains
The brave amigos the three brave amigos
Wherever they meet us our destinies lead us
Amigos we are always together
Where ever we go we’re three brave amigos
And we’ll be amigos forever
“We are the three Amigos
We are the three Amigos
We are the three Amigos a
And amigos forever we’ll be.”
While he was singing – he was really good. I was amazed – pity he didn’t have a piano with him. I swear in absolute truth that the trees were swaying along to the tune. I was. “Everyone go it?” Frolijah asked. “Okay, just substitute `three’ for `four,’ and off we go: One for all . . .” I didn’t sing – I wanted to spare the hobbit’s ears – but began to lighten up. At least at first; after a while I got a nasty side-leg cramp and had to concentrate on walking.
“And that was the story of Red Riding Hood,” Frolijah said. “Oh, oh, I’ve got one: why did the evil tree cross the road?”
“Why?” Pippin asked eagerly.
“It was stumped about the answer to that question!” Frolijah replied, laughing. “Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?” it was Sam this time.
“Creepy who?” asked Merry. The hobbits caught on quickly.
“Creepy how there are not owls in the woods.” Frolijah and the others laughed hysterically, while I grimaced in pain. Guys just didn’t understand this kind of thing. In my pocket, my hand desperately gripped the Ring until my knuckles until they turned white.
“I know where we are,” said Merry suddenly as we came upon a river. “This is the Withywindle! I will go ahead.”
“All right,” said Frolijah. “But when you come back, be sure to bring me a shrubbery!”
After that, it became very hot, and armies of flies buzzed all around us. Worse yet, we had to endure more bad jokes. “Heeellllp meeeee,” Frolijah was saying, mimicking the movie `The Fly.’ “I have to go to Mordor and defeat the Lord of the Flies.”
But gradually, when he temporarily ran out of bad jokes, he would commentate. “And now, ladies and gents, we are walking through evil woods in a strange world surrounded by masses of flies. There must be no Eight Legged Freaks in this entire Forest!”
I began to feel very tired: my head bowed, and I was doubled over with the pain of cramps. A good rest would help. “It’s no good,” Merry said. “Can’t go another step without rest. Must have nap. It’s cool under the willows. Less flies!”
“Not the willow!” I heard myself say. “It’s evil, that willow is! . . .” But I dragged myself over to it anyway. I couldn’t help myself, the shade looked wonderful. I was so tired that even my grip on the Ring relaxed. I was safe here
I was fading, but just before I fell against the tree asleep, I heard Frolijah say: “A willow tree? But that’s so cheesy! It wasn’t a willow in TLOTR; that was in Harry Potter!”
Sorry this part was so short. I wanted to end when I did. Hee, hee. Suggestions? Comments, anyone? Bwahahahaha!!!!! Hope you enjoyed it. I used the music from the movie “The Three Amigos” – an absolute hilarious comedy – and “Into the Woods,” a play, also very good. Ciao!