Dear One Ring:
Hello. How are you doing? I’m very sorry i threw you into the fire! I really shouldn’t have, i guess. Gandalf misses you, and so does Bilbo. But Gollum is suffering the most; he walks around mumbling to himself all day. Jeez, i guess he was better off with you. Anyway, he is now attempting to learn Black Speech. It is Elvish, though, but we dont have the heart to tell him. I bought him a very nice bikini though. It just doesnt match his green skin. I want to buy you one but i cant find any ring-sized bikinis! I guess i will have to buy more toilet paper today. Sam clogs the toilet too much; he pulls the whole roll off and just shoves it down the toilet! Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you! two ring-tastic things happened, worthy for a ring to hear! First, i got Geico Insurance- and saved 15% on my car insurance! Next, I got an American Express card. It has no spending limit and is so flexible i could shove it in my ear! Also, I discovered the wonders of Walmart. You can buy anything there-even CD’s with rap on them or pink towels and dolls! I will have to take you there sometimes, but i dont know if they will let me bring you in. They might think i am a thief, whatever that is. But what should i get you for Christmas? Last year i know i got you a finger. But i’m thinking maybe you need some company. I’ll find you a girl-ring and convince her to give you a ring-dance for free. Merry early Christmas-there i believe it is called Ring-mas, right? Also-RING RING RING! Psst-turn off your cell phone!
Love you so much my precious,
Frodo’s Baggins Are Weird
A letter from J.R.R. Tolkien to illustrator Doris Sykes will be sold by Hermitage Fine Art Monaco for £15,000 ($25,0000).