Boyfriend from Dunland!!!! – Part One

by Feb 13, 2003Other News

The World is Changed. I can feel it in the water… I can feel it in the earth… I can smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost… For none now live that remember it.

(Started By Rosey…)

Scene in the Mines of Moria. The Fellowship is poised, waiting, after all the orcs have fled. They see an ominous red light in the distance, and hear a series of booms. Borormir speaks up:

Boromir: What new devilry is this?

Gandalf: A Boyfriend…RUN!

The fellowship all scurry toward the exit, falling over each other and land in a heap.

Enter nerdy boyfriend with spiked green hair and distressed jeans.

Nerdy Boyfriend: Hi, dudes! How’s it here all going? Just, like, awesome, man!

(Continued by Emily)…

Gandalf: This a far greater evil than you know. To the bridge of Kasadum, quick!

Boromir pokes head out of door, only to be nearly hit with a razor sharp music C.D.

Boromir: Great. They have a Rap group…

A fight follow whereas the Rap group chokes Frodo with a chokechain that they carried on their pants (Why? Cause it’s a fad). Luckily, the mithril saved his fragile throat and also used some unseen power to keep his brain from rotting due to the music, if you can call it that. Anyway, they finally killed the beasts, thanks to Legolas shooting an arrow down their leader’s throat when he opened it to sing. They left in great haste towards the bridge.

Gandalf: Run! Your swords are of no use to us now. I will take the boyfriend! GO, QUICK!!!!

Gandalf ( to the boyfriend) : You cannot pass here! I am a servant of the secret fires of Arnoth, YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Boyfriend : Like, why not dude? I just want to go see that , like white lady on the other side. Man is she a cute chick!

Pippin and Merry Look at each other in confusion, while Aragorn is held back at the uncouth words by Boromir and Legolas. Gimli does his best to hide his smile…

All of a sudden the boyfriend pull out a skateboard with graffiti all over it and begins to skate toward Gandalf. The bridge breaks. Gandalf clings to the edge, but the boyfriend’s baggy pants tangle around his leg and he falls, saying these last words: Don’t date, you fools!

To be continued . . .

(Continued by Rosey)

The fellowship trudge outside, and start sulking.

Sam: “Why did he have to die? I–I wish he were here now….”

Immediately, a renegade rap singer jumps out of the doorway. He proceeds in singing,
“You’re the one I want, you’re the one I need, and I want you back….”

Frodo groans, and falls over.

Rap singer: “What’s wrong dude? Haven’t you heard “N’sync” before? They’re, like, right on, man!”
He gives two thumbs up, and begins to sing again. Legolas grabs one of his thumbs and rams it in the rap singer’s mouth. The fellowship proceeds on their journey, leaving the singer trying to pull his thumb from his mouth.

* * * * * * *

Continued by Emily

Scene where the Fellowship enters Lothlorien ( according to the book) . Frodo wonders at the peace and quiet of the forest while Legolas suggests that they all rest by the stream ” Nimrodel”. The fair elf’s voice begins in a quiet song.

“An elven Maid there was of old,
A shining star by day,
Her mantle white was hemmed with gold,
Her shoes of silver gray.

( He goes on to tell how Amroth, king of Lorien fell in love with her and his wanting of her to go to the havens with him. She did not show, however, and Amroth jumped overboard, trying to swim to shore, drowning in the process. I have cut to the last verse Legolas sang. )

But from the West has come no word,
And on the Hither Shore
No tiding Elven-folk have heard
Of Amroth evermore.

His voice falters and Legolas confesses : I can not sing any more. That is but a part, for I have forgotten much.

Gimli eyes the elf suspiciously, then speaks: What’s the matter, elf? Does the song remind you of someone you would have jumped out of a boat for, or did you actually heed Gandalf’s parting words?

Legolas scowls at the dwarf, and Aragorn, seeing that a fight might ensue if the dispute was not settled, changed the subject to cheerier thoughts ( for him at least).

Aragorn: Now, now, Gimli. You know that Legolas has as much interest in such things as you, which is none. But let us not quarrel in such a tranquil place as this, for I wish to have only more good remembrances of this place… ( He there halts talking and subsides to the thoughts of his and Arwen’s meeting there many years ago.)

Pippin: Such as to the thoughts of that beautiful elf at Rivendell, you mean. Aragorn, I am ashamed of you! How could you? If you blame anyone, Gimli, there’s the culprit.

Aragorn (blushing as he talked): Oh, yeah? What proof do you have of it? When did you ever see me utter a word of romance to her?

They all stare at Frodo, who now begins to blush himself.

Frodo: Well, it wasn’t my fault that Bilbo and I were walking out in the garden at that time. And trying to find out more about you, since you were so mysterious then, I , well, um….

Boromir finishes the sentence while laughing with glee ( for he had not yet heard the story): Snooped! Good for you, Frodo! You might be tougher than I thought, little one!

Legolas, seeing the wrath and embarrassment in Aragorn’s eyes, tries to comfort him:
“Now, now Aragorn. Don’t take it to heart. Everyone knew about it already, or at least had guessed. Your love is not one to be ashamed of, though. You do not spike your hair or attempt to sing that lousy trash. Indeed, I believe Gandalf would not be cross with you for such doings. After all, where would we be if nobody ever got married? I should never have been born, I dare say.”

Gimli ( muttering): “I knew as that nothing good ever came of love. “

Merry: “Excuse me, not to change the subject, but I just heard a noise come from behind the tree over there. Nothing important, just thought I’d let you know incase we were about to be ambushed. “

They all turn around just in time to witness Britney Spears suddenly jumping out from behind a great Mallorn tree. She proceeds to sing a Pepsi advertisement. Sam hits her over the head with his frying pan, and she collapses. Pippin bashfully climbs out of Aragorn’s arms ( which he had immediately jumped into when the diva appeared).They all begin their journeying again, ever deeper into the forest, unaware of the great evil following them…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
(continued by Rosey)

The fellowship continue to walk further into the forest, when they are stopped by Haldir and his brother. They are greeted cordially, and offered a place to stay in the trees. Frodo was just dropping off to sleep, when awakened by strange noises outside the tree. Starting up, he sees Haldir climbing into the entrance.

Haldir: (whispering) Karoke.

Frodo gives a gasp, and peeks through the leaves. He sees a large group of people in all sorts of hairstyles and clothing. A leader is holding a microphone, and singing a rap song, while another guy holds up the lyrics.
Frodo: Why-why-what’s the boyfriend doing here? I thought that—-Oh, this is another boyfriend.. WHEW!
Frodo thoughtlessly leans against the leaves, and immediately falls onto the spiked hair of the leader. His hair is still sticking up, though Frodo is on it.

Frodo: “OUCH! HELP! Get me off these spikes! “

Leader: “Hey, man, it looks like little guy here wants to join us! Here, sing “Give Me Baby”. This is like the so awesomest song, bud! It’s one of Brittney’s! “

He sets Frodo on the ground in front of everyone, and hands him the mike. The music starts to play, and Frodo’s eyes get bigger all the time.

Frodo: ( > gulp < ) “Ah, ah, um…&apos;Oh baby, baby, a lonely mist is kill&apos;n me, and I, I must confess I still believe….YAHHHHHH! “
Frodo screams, jumps, and lands on the leader’s hair.

Frodo: (rolls his eyes) “Why me? “
Still holding his ears from the dreaded music with one hand and his shoulder, Frodo slips his ring on. Suddenly, a Nerdy Guy runs in crying.

Nerdy Guy: “They-they-they killed her! A bunch of half men just ran up, and dun in Brittney! Boo-hoooooohooo! “

Leader: “What? Half men? That’s like that weirdo that just landed on my hair! Hey, where is he? We’ll get you! You killed my girlfriend! Oh, oh, waaaaaaaaaaaah! “

Frodo leaps into the tree again, while the Karoke singers all run in a circle, bonk heads, and land in a heap, crying their hearts out. The mourning is heard throughout the forest, for they are all laying on the microphone.

Boromir: Well done, Ringbearer. You have earned us a good night’s sleep…Bah!

* * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *

After a few minutes of silence from the Karoke singers, the fellowship notice that all have scattered amongst the trees.

Pippin : “But … I…. where have they all gone? “

Aragorn : “I do not know, but do not let them deceive you. They are still here, I deem…. waiting. “

At these last words, a cold wind blows through their flet, and it seems to everyone as that chilled teeth have bitten them through the wind. Boromir shifts around in great anticipation, the two young hobbits cuddle close to each other, Legolas begins whispering to Haldir in the elven tongue in a tone which implies caution. Gimli restlessly stirs, and Aragorn silently peers through the darkness with his hand at his sword.

Frodo (taking off the ring) : “Should we make a run for it? “

Aragorn: “Frodo! You put on the ring! But why….how-how could you?! “

Frodo: “Well, I knew I shouldn’t, but , like, I had too. “

Boromir: “What did you say? “

Frodo: “Just that I couldn’t help it, man. Oops! …. “

The Fellowship stare at each other in dreadful suspense as they realize that every time Frodo puts on the ring, he becomes more like the evil servants of Sauron, Dark Lord of Hard Rock. They had seen the symptoms in Bilbo, but they hadn’t yet expected Frodo to be affected…

Gimli : “Is there any way to reverse it? Can he be helped? “

Aragorn : “I….I do not know… “

Sam : “Now listen, the whole lot of ya! My Master Frodo is in trouble and you just stand around talking ! Just because he’s speaking slang, doesn’t mean that he is past helping. Now Master Frodo, just rest and take it easy; your Sam’s here, and I won’t let nothing harm you! “

Sam here begins to break down in sobs and the younger hobbits begin lamenting as well.

Pippin : “Sam’s right! Dear, dear Frodo! What should we do without you?! Just sit tight ; Merry and I will help too, even if no one else will! “

Haldir: “I do not think that you must worry about that, young hobbit. We are far from abandoning Frodo. But if we are to cure him, we must act swiftly….A’ i’hiril en’ galad! We must not tarry here any longer! Come, we shall blindfold the dwarf as agreed, and move swiftly! “

So saying, a quarrel erupted about the blindfolding, whereas Aragorn settled the matter by having all their eyes covered… much to the anger of Legolas. But Aragorn was obeyed, and they all continued deeper into the woods. They finally stopped, for Haldir and his brother thought they heard something, and Haldir went to investigate, leaving his brother to guard the blinded fellowship.

Suddenly the eight travelers hear a noise and then a thud as if someone had just been knocked out. A wicked, slangish laugh ensues…

Voice: “Heh, heh ,heh…. Well, like, what have we got here? A bunch of , like, dudes in trouble. And if it isn’t the half men, who notched Brittney…. She was my girl, and you be in deep trouble now, man. “

The voice, whom you have probably by now recognized to be the Rap leader with spiked hair, then let loose a horrid, sneering chuckle, and then lowered his spiky green hair towards Frodo, ready to charge.

Aragorn: “Hold, wait! ‘Twas I that killed your Brittney! Claim me if you must, or would you lower yourself to kill a defenseless, blinded child? “

Rap Leader : “Like, you stay outta this, man! I’ll settle with you later. Even if this dude didn’t kill Brittney, he messed up my hair, and that’s, like, even worse…. “

Meanwhilst, while Aragorn spoke, he nudged Boromir who nudged Legolas who pulled out his knife and cut loose their’s and Gimli’s bonds. When the Rap Leader charged, he nearly hit Frodo, but much to his suprise, saw Aragorn stand up and draw his sword, blindfolded. Boromir did likewise, along with Gimli and his axe and Legolas with his knife. They all shouted as they attacked, so as to know each other’s position, and they began to slay the Rap leader.

Unfortunately, The Rap leader managed to spike Legolas in the shoulder, who then fell in agony as the others halted in their onslaught. This gave the Rap Leader the chance he had been looking for, and threatened the others with Legolas’s life if they did not drop their weapons.

They did so , having no choice, whereas the Rap Leader once again maliciously snickered, saying:
“Did you really think that I would, like, spare you man? Well, you guessed wrong, and you about to pay for the damage you done… “

With these words, the Rap Leader turned towards Frodo once again, and began charge, tis time with no one to stop him… Suddenly the fellowship heard a slashing sound , a scream of pain, and a thud.

” Oh, no! ” Sam thought. “He’s killed poor master Frodo! I’ve failed, I’ve failed! Well, since Master Frodo’s gone, I might as well go down avenging him… ” Sam then gathered all his rage and pulled his hands free from their bonds. Despite the tight knots of his blindfold, he found that he could do what the others could not, and pulled his blindfold off. But to his suprise, Sam found a different sight than expected, and shouted for all happiness…

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