Bizarre News Column (BNC) – It’s all true. Honest.

by Mar 30, 2003Other News

Bizarre News Column (BNC)
It’s all true. Really! . . .

Wormtongue Runs for President — and gets 100% of the Vote!

The striking outcome of the recent election in Middle Earth showed that Wormtongue won the Presidency with, as Frodo Baggins put it: “More than the popular vote.”

As it turns out, not only did everyone vote for Wormtongue (on penalty of death if they did not) but also several hundred thought-to-be-dead came to the polls yesterday to cast their votes.

“It’s just my natural charm,” said Wormtongue, running one hand through his his greasy black hair.

But not all the people think the election was valid: “There has never been a president in Middle Earth!” said former king Aragorn, son of Arathorn. “Now, thanks to Wormtongue, we’re going to have to set up an entirely different government!”

But whatever the arguments, Wormtongue is Middle Earth’s new president. With 100% of the vote. At least.


Aliens invade Middle Earth!

All over the land there have been masses of mail-carriers skirring from house to house, carrying letters all containing news about the new aliens.

“They just dropped out of the sky,” said Hamfast Gamgee, hobbit of the Shire. “And ruined all my cabbages!” Apparently, several dozen aliens flew into Middle Earth yesterday in large, silvery saucer-like contraptions. Many seemed interested in trying to obtain the autographs of Frodo Baggins and Legolas Greenleaf.

“Like, they’re so hot!” said one alien, apparently female, popping a gooey substance she called “gum” into her mouth.

When asked about this, Frodo Baggins just turned away muttering something that sounded like: “Not more of them. It’s gone. It’ll never come back. Why do they?”

Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, however, seemed thrilled about the aliens: “It’s an immense flattery. They all seem to know my name, and are very attractive!” Legolas didn’t answer any further questions: he was being massaged by several alien-females.

Over all, except for the cabbages, the aliens seem harmless, if not strange. And in the words of one of them: “Sweet!”


Saruman awarded “best actor”

In the recent Oscar awards, Saruman was selected as “best actor” for his job of triple-agent in the Conspiricy of the Ring. Playing friend to both Sauron and Gandalf, Saruman gave an unexpected move to betray them both and take the Ring for himself.

“He truely has the most amazing voice I’ve ever heard,” said Peter Jackson, before being shot by rabid Tolkien-fans.

It seems triple-crosser Saruman has gotten on everyone’s bad side — including his former side-kick, Wormtongue, who refused to accept him as vice-president (see above) all though he did get a position as speech-writer — but that’s good publicity for the movies, and most people agree he deserved the award. At least, when he threated them in his silky voice.


Dinosaur spotting near Rivendell

Now that all the Elves are leaving Rivendell, the last few remaining have decided to make one last impact on Middle Earth — in a big way.

“We have decided to call it ‘Cretacious Park’. Not only because the Jurassic was already taken, but because we want to be accurate,” said one top researcher. “Everyone knows that T-rexs didn’t come until the Cretacious period. I don’t know what Crichton was thinking.”

The former House of Elrond is being turned into a giant amusement part / museum, with the garden and fields of Rivendell being used for dino roaming grounds.

“We’re not going to make the same mistake as in Jurassic Park,” said director Dino Nugget, “They relied to heavily on technology. All the magic of Middle Earth is fading, so we are not going to even bother with cages.”

This new decision has boosted the fame of Rivendell, but local residents have begun to move away very quickly. “After the fourth house I went through,” said one elf, “it just wasn’t worth it anymore.”

Director Nugget has barely noticed the bad feelings toward himself; he is too engrossed in his work. “No! Come on, I told you to use the potty outside! Not again!”


Magic Ring Sales at all time high!

Ever since the epic adventure of hobbit Frodo Baggins, Magic Ring sales have been at an all time high.

“But daddy, I want a ring,” said the young prince of Gondor to his father, “everyone has one!” Manufactures of Magic Rings are having a boom in business, but not everyone agrees this is a good idea.

“Kids these days,” said Sam Gamgee, father of thirteen. “They don’t understand how dangerous Rings can be. Back in my day, when Frodo and I had to go to Mount Doom, it was no light task . . .”

But reminiscent as the former companion of Frodo Baggins, Ringbearer could be, nothing can stop the youngsters’ desire for Magic Rings, which they all insist on calling “My Precious.”


Aragorn starts drafting women into the army

After the recent War of the Ring; Aragorn, recent king of Gondor, has decided a new approach to the army. “I was shown by Èowyn just how useful shield-maidens can be. I will bring diversity to this kingdom yet!”

Aragorn is determined to never again be unsure of victory, and he has declared that he will, from now on, keep a standing army that trains men and women together. “Everyone is equal,” he says, “and therefore exactly the same in all abilities. Training them as one unit should be no problem.”

President Grima Wormtongue disagrees: “What, don’t you trust me?” Turning to Èowyn, he adds, “Why be in the army? Wouldn’t you rather be my wife?” Wormtongue was temporarily indisposed after this last comment.


Jedi-Hobbits! A New Order of Justice!

After his falsified death in a galaxy far, far away, Yoda retired to Middle Earth; or, more precisely, the Shire.

“Met two young hobbits I did,” Yoda said to local reporters. “Unprepared for the Force they were.” After his original meeting with Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took, he began a school of the Force to teach all hobbits the way of the Jedi.

“No longer will any justice like that of Sharky will be seen here,” said one young, gasping hobbit child. “Defeat all evil we will!”

More than just the Force, Yoda’s strange way of speaking seems to have spread farther than the Shire, all the way to Gondor. Aragorn, king of Gondor, has decided to begin teaching the force to his co-ed army next fall.

“The way of good it is,” he said to reporters when asked. Then added: “Don’t tell my wife I spoke like that. I don’t think she likes our son’s obsession with Yoda.”

For whatever reason, while many creatures in Middle Earth can grasp the concept of the Force, it has been most successful with hobbits. “Good students they are,” said Yoda, speaking of his two top learners, Merry and Pippin.


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