As Middle Earth Turns – A Parody – Episode 5

by Jun 7, 2003Other News

Elenya was slowly brushing out her long blonde hair. “I’m so beautiful” she thought to herself. She admired herself more. Oh, if only Legolas had thought her to be beautiful. He wouldn’t have felt the need to push her off on his twin and Elenya’s own brother. She shuddered. She loved him so much, and she thought that he loved her back. Her lips trembled. A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. “Come in.” The door opened and Eowyn entered the room.
Elenya began to cry. She could no longer hold back the tears of rage and sadness.
Eowyn spoke softly. “Do not waste your tears on that elf,” she said.
Elenya had always felt close to Eowyn, but she hadn’t known why.
“Besides,” she said, “he was way too pretty for his own good. He didn’t even notice you! Like I always said, never get involved with an elf.” he said.
“But I AM an elf!” said Elenya, as she turned to face Eowyn.
“Elenya,” said Eowyn, “I must tell you something – you are not really an elf.”
Elenya was confused and shocked. How could she not be an elf? Is that why Legolas didn’t love her?
She instinctively reached up and touched her pointed ears. To her dismay, they came right off. They were made of plastic!
“No!” she cried, ” it can’t be so!”
Eowyn laughed a cruel, bitter laugh. “That’s not even the half of it.”
Elenya thought that this must be a dream- she didn’t want to know what else Eowyn had to say. Her head was spinning. She tried to listen to Eowyn’s vice, though; for she felt that she must know the truth.
“You are my daughter. King Elessar was your father. . .”
Elenya was filled with passionate rage. “King Elessar?! Aragorn! But he was married to Arwen! So that is how me and the Princess . . . er- Prince are related!!!
“I wish Legolas was here to comfort me! He always made me feel better . . .” Her voice softened as she thought about the fair-haired elf.
Eowyn chuckled. “Like he ever even liked you! You’re way too ugly for him!”
Elenya bawled. “It’s true,” Eowyn said knowingly.
“But I’m the most beautiful person in Middle Earth!” Elenya protested. “Even that Easterling prince wanted me!”
Legolas then entered through the door.
“I heard fell voices on the air.” [striking pause] “What are you arguing about?”
“Over who the most beautiful person in Middle Earth is . . .” said Eowyn, “who obviously” she glared at Elenya, “. . . is me!”
“No, it isn’t!” said Elenya, “it’s me!”
They continued to bicker, when Legolas spoke.
“I don’t even know why you’re arguing- its obvious!” They waited for his response, each hoping it would be themselves.
“I am the most beautiful person in Middle Earth!”
Elenya and Eowyn looked disappointed, but couldn’t argue.
“But there is a more pressing matter that I have come to talk to Elenya about.”
Elenya’s face brightened and her eyes shone with hope.
Legolas sighed. “It is difficult to tell you this, but . . . Eowyn is your mother and Aragorn is your father.”
[striking pause]
“Yeah, I already figured that out,” Elenya said.
Legolas seemed quite miffed.
“You mean, I spent, like, three hours practicing how I would tell you this, and you already knew?!?”
“Well, yeah!” said Elenya. “She just told me. Though I probably should have known, what with our names being so alike.”
Legolas sighed. “Well, I guess you know that this means its over between us.”
“What?!!” cried Elenya, then picked up a nearby plate and threw it at him.
Legolas’ keen, cat-like movements allowed him to duck and miss the plate in time. By instinct, he reached over his shoulder to his quiver, which held his knives. He was shocked to find that they were missing.
As Legolas dodged flying wares, he thought back to where he might have left them. Realization dawned on his face. “Stupid Celeborn!”
He flew from the room, leaving Eowyn and Elenya confused.
He ran to the Grey Havens, and caught the next boat.
“Hey Cirdan!” he said as he ran by.
“Hey Legolas! What’re you up to?” He grabbed his shoulder meaningfully. “So, are you still going with Elenya?”
“Um, yeah. Kind of.”
“Oh, OK.” Legolas left, and heard him yell `darn’ under his breath.
When he arrived in Valinor, he ran to Celeborn. The first thing he did was to punch him in the face.
Celeborn was quite confused. He didn’t know why Legolas was here, or why he had punched him. Legolas grabbed his knives from Celeborn’s quiver. He stepped on Celeborn’s face, waved to Gimli and the hobbits, then ran all the way back to Elenya’s room.
“Now I’m ready.”
Elenya cried, “You wouldn’t actually attack a girl, would you?”
“How come,” Legolas protested, “You guys can beat, scratch, slap, and otherwise batter me, but I can’t do anything back!?”
He then grabbed his reclaimed knives and did a nifty twirly move.
Elenya and Eowyn cowered in fear. Eowyn whirled and grabbed a sword. She did her shieldmaiden of Rohan routine.
“Oh please!” Legolas rolled his eyes. “That is so old!” Eowyn started crying. “What now?” Legolas sounded exasperated.
“It’s just that. . .Aragorn is dead! I can’t believe that Faramir never knew about us. He never was too bright though.” She continued to sob. “And I’m going through menopause!”
“Oh,” said Legolas. He was always a bit uncomfortable discussing these things. Why were women so emotional? he thought.
“I’m sorry too,” said Elenya, “I’m just really PMSing now.”
“Well that explains a lot,” said Leggy without thinking. He dodged two more plates that flew towards his head. “Me and my mouth,” he thought.
Both of the women were crying now. Legolas backed away in fear as they turned puffy faces toward him.
“Uh,” he started sweating, “I’m sure it’s no big deal.”
“What do you know about it!?” Elenya shrieked.
Legolas winced and covered his ears. Just then Elenya rushed him, knocking him over. “Ouch!” he yelled as his broken rib reannounced itself to him. He was seriously pondering going to the Grey Havens to see if Cirdan was still available. Unfortunately, Legolas had no feelings for those of the same gender, except maybe Gimli… A right hook connecting with his jaw brought him back from his thoughts.
“Whoa, Elenya, I’m sorry.” she collapsed sobbing. He wasn’t quite sure what to do so he tentatively walked over to her and gave her a brief hug.
“My life is so messed up.” He heard coming from the muffled form. “And besides that, I’m PMSing and pregnant, which is impossible, but somehow happening to me.”
“Um,” he tried to think of something comforting to say. “It will be okay…” Secretly though, he was thinking of Arwen. Elf maidens didn’t have these violent mood swings. But then, he thought, they would be kind of grumpy for 50 years… ‘Although,’ he thought, ‘they aren’t near as violent as women are.’ He started thinking of how to get back to the Evenstar. Not sure how she would react, he said to Elenya, “I’ve got to be going now.”
She turned and forcefully grabbed his shirt. “Don’t go,” she whispered and kissed him. He broke away.
“I’m sorry, but you can’t kiss as well as Arwen can, as she has that prominent upper lip and all…”
A sharp slap was heard, but Legolas still ran, his bright red cheek was throbbing. He had had enough of Elenya and her creepy incestuous family.
Just then, he saw three beautiful elf-maidens with dark hair clad in elven-white. He stopped dead in his tracks, staring, they were much more beautiful than Elenya. And speak of the devil, Elenya AND Eowyn ran smack into him as he stared.
Seeing the elf maidens, Eowyn said accusingly, ” Don’t I know you?”
The three elf maidens exchanged looks and eye-rolls.

To be continued…….


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