As Middle Earth Turns (A Parody) – Episode 4

by May 5, 2003Other News

Gimli helped Legolas pull the boat ashore.

“Long have I wanted to see these shores again.”

“Aye Gimli,” Legolas smiled. “It does my heart good to see Valinor, but I suspect that you are really here to see the Lady Galadriel.”

Gimli growled. “Bring your pretty face to my axe, elf.”

Legolas just laughed as Gimli turned a pretty shade of pink. “Your face gives it away.”

“Maybe it’s because I’m allergic to these stupid prosthetics!”

They stepped off the boats, and Galadriel was waiting on the shore. She spoke,

“I have felt your coming for many leagues, Gimli son of Gloin.” She gave a wink at the dwarf.

Celeborn asked bluntly, “What happened to your face?”

“What? Oh … um … nothing.” Gimli tried to hide it.

Legolas ceased his ADD symptoms to say absentmindedly, “He’s in love eith Galadriel.”

Celeborn’s face looked apoplectic.

“Uh … isn’t he a little short?” he said with jealous zeal.

All Galadriel would say was, “The worl is changing.”

Celeborn was upset. “Well, if this,” he pointed an accusational finger at Gimli, “is what you mean by “changing times,” than I think we should take the ships to Valinor.” He gave an evil glare towards the dwarf.

“I will diminish into the West when it is my own time and choice.”

Legolas was quite upset about the lack of attention he was getting, so he went to Galadriel’s mirror and admired himself. He thought about Elenya.

“Don’t think about it. It doesn’t matter,” he told himself, but it was hard to forget.

Meanwhile, Gimli and Celeborn were still jealously fighting.

“Fine!” Gimli spat, “Let’s settle this in a duel. You with your knives, me with my axe.”

Celeborn whimpered. “I shouldn’t have to do this! I’m married to her! Besides, I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

Gimli shouted, “Well, maybe that was the problem, ya pansy!”

“That’s it,” Celeborn exploded. “I accept.”

“Good,” Gimli got a gleam in his eye. “We’ll begin in an hour.”

Legolas returned. “This ought to be interesting.”

Galadriel started crying. Legolas gathered up a few elves and started placing bets.

“You want 50 on Gimli?” he was shouting as he was writing the numbers in a small spiral notebook.

Meanwhile, Celeborn was getting quite nervous. It had been 1500 years since he had last fought anyone. He needed to get some knives for his were all rusted. Glancing about, he noticed Legolas’ knives.

“I’ll just borrow them,” He thought.

The hour went by quickly, especially for Celeborn, who was making plans. At last the time for the duel had come.

Celeborn smirked. “The time has come, Master Dwarf, but I think that this will be the hardest battle you’ll ever have to fight.”

“Bring it on! There is still one dwarf in Middle Earth who still draws breath.”

“Not for long.”

Legolas was loving this. He continued to take bets as Celeborn and Gimli circled each other.Gimli charged and Celeborn nanced out of the way. Just then, Celeborn yelled out something in elvish and five elves ran out of the trees behind him.

Gimli stopped. “Wait, wait,” he said. Pointing to an elf, he said, “You’ll come at me first, then you, then you.” In seconds he laid them flat out on the ground. Celeborn gave in.

“I surrender.”

Galadriel ran out to hug him.

“Hey wait a minute!” Gimli exclaimed,” I beat him!”

Galadriel sneered, “And you think this means I will stay with you? I don’t think so shorty. Besides Celeborn has the third ring of the elves, Narya. We belong together.”

“Stupid gold-digger!” Gimli yelled. In the meantime, Legolas was collecting money as he bet on Gimli winning.

A few elves begrudgingly handed over their gold and jewels. Just as he heard Galadriel’s peech, Legolas walked up and whispered in Galadriel’s ear. As soon as he finished, Galadriel walked over to stand by Gimli.

“I stand corrected. I guess Gandalf has the ring. You’re worthless Celeborn.”

Celeborn said,” Well, I’m still more useful than the dwarf!”

Gimli glared. “That is not true.”

“It is too!” Celeborn shot back. “Your stunt double does everything for you!”

Here Galadriel interrupted. “Wait a minute, you look a lot taller than last time I saw you.” Her eyes widened. “Was it even you who said all those meaningful things here in Lorien?”

“Wait a minute,” Legolas looked confused. “You’re saying we’re in Lorien now. Boy, did I get lost. we were heading for Valinor.”

(Confused Silence)

“And what in Middle Earth are all you elves still doing here?” Gimli asked.

(More Confused Silence)

Galadriel looked at Celeborn. “We better get going to the Undying Lands. I knew something wasn’t quite right.”

Legolas spoke, “Yeah, Gimli and I have places to go too. C’mon Gimli, lets go to the Glittering Caves!”

“But I love her!”” Gimli shouted with grief.

Legolas consoled, “Don’t worry, we’l see her in Valinor.”

All of the sudden, they heard a shout from behind. “Aye, we’re coming too,” a substantially older Merry and Pippin ran out from behind the trees.

“What are you doing here? You’re already dead.” Legolas exclaimed.

“No,” Merry said, “It’s a rumor. Ever since we drank that Ent drought, we’ve grown and lived longer!”

Meanwhile, Pippin was looking in his usual clueless manner.

“Is it time for elevensies yet?” he asked.

Merry turned. “No Pip. Anyways, we’ve decided that we really don’t want to die. we want to go with one of you guys to Valinor.”

“Hey, you guys are still pretty cute. You can come with me,” Galadriel winked.

“What is it with you,” Celeborn sounded exasperated. “Am I not good enough for you?!”

“Well, let’s just say that when you’ve been around with someone for thousands of years, life gets kind of boring.” Galadriel said.

“We shouldn’t have to debate this!” Said Celeborn, “We’re MARRIED!”

He continued mumbling to himself about unfaithful wives while Galadriel walked off with Merry and Pippin.

Gimli burst into tears, “She loves short people, what about me?”

Legolas smirked, “She likes short and cute men.” He continued, “Don’t worry Gimli. I’ll go to Valinor with you.”

He gave Gimli and uncomfortable squeeze on his (stubby) leg.

Celeborn ran after Galadriel, talking about their pre-nup agreement. Legolas and Gimli were left alone.

“So…” Legolas began.

Gimli was a bit uncomfortable with the situation and began fingering his axe.

“Um Legolas…what about Elenya, elf from America?”

Legolas went on a tangent. “Elenya loves me, but she has a terrible secret that no one must know…she cannot even tell me…”

“I just told you, you idiot.” Gimli snarled.

“Oh,” Legolas felt a little foolish.

“Not only that, but you still haven’t told her the whole truth.” Gimli continued.

“Yes, but… hey! How did you know her secret?”

“well, uh,” stuttered Gimli, “Well Elenya and I… She is really upset about the whole Princess/Prince Brother/Sister thing. You must tell her who her real mother is!”

Legolas pouted. “Why do I have to?” He said in a whiney voice. “I’m not the one who had a love-child with a gold-digger!”

“Maybe not, but you’re still scarily involved with this whole thing.”

“All right,” Legolas sighed, “I guess the script is screwed up enough already. Will you be okay with the elves?”

“Yes, old friend,” Gimli smiled and embraced him (in a purely heterosexual manner). “Now go!”

Legolas took off running. As he reached his canoe, he tripped over a miniscule rock and fell into the water. Gimli just shook his head.

To be continued…


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