Ar-Pharazôn’s Diary

by Sep 16, 2004Other News


A recent underwater archaeological expedition in a secret location has yielded a major find. In a waterproof safe which has been lying on the sea bed for thousands of years, certain artifacts have been discovered. Closer inspection has revealed that one of these artifacts is none other than Ar-Pharazôn’s Diary…

21st June 3319 (Second Age)
Sauron popped in today to ask me for money to help fund the redecoration of Melkor’s Temple – he says that the roof needs cleared of all the soot. Zimraphel (who was in the room at the time) shouted at him “Well stop the human sacrifices you fiend !!!”. I really think my dearest darling wife is starting to warm towards Sauron – that is the first printable statement of hers regarding Sauron for the better part of twenty years.

22nd June 3319 (Second Age)
Weather quite good – only twenty-four peasants were hit by lightning today. Sauron asked me for the money again. I said I’d think about it but also suggested that he could pawn that Ring of his instead. He was not amused. Went to my doctor’s today for a check-up. The doctor said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and that the fact that this is my seventh visit in the last three weeks suggests that I am a hypochrondriac. How can he say that when I know that unless I conquer Valinor soon my mortality will catch up with me !!!! I can almost feel my life ebbing away from me. I’m only 201 years old – I’m too young to die !!!!

23rd June 3319 (Second Age)
I told Sauron this morning about yesterday’s visit to the doctor. Weather deteriorating – forty-two peasants struck by lightning today.

24th June 3319 (Second Age)
My doctor has been arrested by Sauron’s agents for being a traitorous member of the Faithful. Apparently he has been trying to hide my true state of health from me. I suppose it’s just as well that I have Sauron around to point out the traitors – I would never have suspected that my own doctor could be such a horrible traitor !!! Zimraphel begged me to intervene in the matter – she says that my doctor can’t possibly be guilty. Zimraphel has funny ideas sometimes – I suspect she gets them from that old crackpot father of her’s, Tar-Palantír, who was always having those daft “visions”. Mind you, I didn’t marry Zimraphel for her brains…

25th June 3319 (Second Age)
My doctor has been burnt at the Temple as a sacrifice to Melkor. Ah well, I suppose the more human sacrifices the more Melkor will help me in my plans to takeover the world. I have given Sauron his redecoration money out of gratitude for saving me from the evil plots of the doctor. Sauron looked very happy today – I haven’t seen him this happy since that time he took the axe to Nimloth twenty years ago. A thirty-seven peasant day as far as the weather was concerned.

26th June 3319 (Second Age)
Had my morning prayers to Melkor interrupted today when the Captain of the Royal Guards came in to tell me that that strange old geezer Amandil has disappeared. I was wondering why I hadn’t seen Amandil recently. It was a pity that he was so pro-Faithful – he was quite a clever advisor (although not as smart as Sauron of course). However that son of his, Elendil, is a nasty piece of work – something really needs to be done about him. He’s got a fleet of ships anchored off the east coast and he knows full well that those ships could have gone towards my Valinor invasion fleet !!! (have made a mental note – if Elendil is still there when I get back from conquering Valinor I will have him and his family sacrificed to Melkor).

27th June 3319 (Second Age)
Three days to go before the fleet sails to Valinor. Told Sauron about Amandil’s disappearence. He looked very surprised and asked me how I knew about this. I told him that the Captain of the Royal Guards had told me. Sauron did not look happy and in fact I later overheard him telling the Captain “You tell ME first you idiot. The King doesn’t need to know anything that I don’t tell him. Understand???”. The Captain said something back and Sauron looked REALLY annoyed. In fact, Sauron’s eyes went a strange red colour. Pretty bad weather today – fifty-three peasants struck by lightning.

28th June 3319 (Second Age)
Two days to go before the fleet sails. The Captain of the Royal Guards has been arrested for being a traitorous member of the Faithful. Zimraphel was in a sulk today. She refuses to go with me on the trip to Aman. She also says that I don’t give her enough “attention”. I asked Sauron for his advice on the matter. He suggested telling her that she would get all the attention she could possibly want when she becomes Queen of Aman. I told Sauron that I had already tried telling her that ten years earlier. Sauron then just rolled his eyes and said something to himself along the lines of “For Melkor’s sake, why do I bother?”.

29th June 3319 (Second Age)
Tomorrow’s the big day – when the conquest of Aman will begin and the name of Ar-Pharazôn will be inscribed forever in the history of the human race. I’ve been practicing my speech to the soldiers – it dwells heavily on “immortality”, “conquest”, “greatness”, and “Melkor”. I told Sauron that there is perhaps too much emphasis in the speech on “Melkor” and not enough on “Númenórean greatness”, but Sauron snapped back at me “I didn’t stay up all last night writing that sodding speech so that you could criticise it”. He looked a bit cross – it is almost as if he wants me to hurry up and leave.

30th June 3319 (Second Age)
Woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible nightmare. I dreamt that the whole island of Númenor was swallowed up by the Sea. I went straight to Sauron and told him about my nightmare. He mumbled something under his breath (I’m sure it was some sort of swear word) and then told me that I was just a little bit stressed. Now that I’ve had time to reflect, I think he’s right. Although the bad weather might have something to do with it – seventy-nine peasants were struck by lightning today (that is just about a new Númenórean weather record). The actual boarding of the ships went as planned (as did the speech). However three soldiers were struck by lightning during the speech (we had only expected a toll of two). If Sauron isn’t careful, that precious Temple of his will get hit as well. Zimraphel wasn’t there to see the fleet leave. She really knows how to insult her husband – here I am about to make her Queen of the Undying Lands as well as Queen of Númenor and she doesn’t even turn up to see me off. That’s gratitude for you.

7th August 3319 (Second Age)
Well here we are. I’m writing this on board ship. We’re anchored just off the coast of Aman. Taniquetil looks alot more formidable than I expected. In fact I am actually having second thoughts about the whole thing. I wish Sauron was here – he would know what to do. I can just see him now sitting in his deck-chair in Númenor reading Maiar Monthly. However, he’s not here now, and I can’t embarrass myself in front of all these Men can I? Anyway, we have a huge army and it’s not as if the Valar are going to call upon that phantom Eru creature to destroy Númenor is it?


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