Author’s note: In the last part, Sean Astin was referred to as Sean A to distinguish him from Sean Bean. However, everyone knows that Boromir’s dead, so Sean Astin will simply be referred to as Sean. We open once more in a small room in London. Its only contents are several couches and chairs, a giant-screen TV/VCR/DVD player combo, and nine men.
We open once more in a small room in London. Its only contents are several couches and chairs, a giant-screen TV/VCR/DVD player combo, and nine men.
Peter: Here’s the DVD. Are you sure you want this? I mean, things might get a little weird.
Orlando: Trust me, we know.
Peter: Hey, where’s Sean?
Sean: Right here.
Peter: I meant Sean Bean.
Viggo: He’s off shooting somewhere. Couldn’t make it.
Peter: Ah. Well, here you are. See ya in 3 2/3 hours! (leaves)
Viggo: Ian, do you have the tape? (sticks DVD into the player)
Ian: Right here. (sticks tape into VCR and hits Record)
Viggo: (turns on the TT:EE DVD)
Dramatic music begins to play as the New Line Cinema logo appears. Then…POOF!
Ian appears, locked in the Balrog’s clutches with Gandalf.
Gandalf: Not you again!
Ian: In the soon-to-be-seared flesh. Owch! Kinda hot here, isn’t it?
Gandalf: Shut the heck up and help me kill this thing.
Ian: Right-o. (whack)
Frodo’s eyes flash open.
Elijah: Calm down, Frodo, it’s just a dream.
Frodo: Aaahhhhhh! You! What do you want? Go away!
Elijah: Nice to see that someone appreciates me.
Sam: Huh? Wha-Aaahhhhhh! You! You’re always poppin’ up!
Dom and Billy suddenly appear in the midst of the Uruks, immediately in front of Ugluk.
Ugluk: Huh wha?
Ugluk: We already have those!
Mauhur: More Halflings!
Ugluk: Grab them!
Billy: Aaahhhhhh! Let go of me! I’ll sue you!
Dom: Shut up, Billy. This is Middle-earth!
Dom and Billy are tied and dumped on the backs of two other Uruks.
Sean: The one place on Middle-earth that none of us want to see any closer-
Sam: It’s the one place we’re trying to get to.
Sean: And it’s just where we can’t get to nohow.
Sam: Let’s face it-
Elijah: Shut up, you two. That’s creepy.
Frodo: We’re lost.
Sam: I was just about to say that, Mr. Frodo. I don’t think Gandalf meant for us to come this way.
Frodo: He didn’t mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam.
Elijah: But they did. Lousy fortune teller he’d make.
Frodo: (gasps and staggers backwards, clutching the Ring)
Elijah: Aaaauuuuggghh! The Eye!
Sam: It’s the Ring, isn’t it?
Elijah: Yeah. It feels like it weighs at least several thousand tons.
Sean: I’m hungry.
Sam: Well, you can have lembas bread, or…more lembas bread.
Elijah: I had a candy bar in my pocket, but naturally it’s gone now. Pass me some of that lembas.
Sean: Hey, this is a heck of a lot better than those frozen crackers we had, Lij.
Sam: Hear hear. I don’t usually hold with foreign food, but this Elvish stuff isn’t half bad.
Frodo: Nothing ever dampens your spirits, does it, Sam?
Sean: Those rainclouds might.
Sometime later, the four companions are trudging with treacherous footing amongst steep, rocky cliffs.
Sam: This looks strangely familiar.
Frodo: That’s because we’ve been here before!
Elijah: I told you we were going in circles, but nooo, you wouldn’t listen-
Sean: Ewwww! Something stinks reeeeeally bad.
Sam: Smells like the Midgewater Moors, only worse.
Elijah: (sniffs) Yup. Also like aged, unwashed Hobbit feet. We’re not alone.
Sam, Frodo, and Elijah are huddled in their cloaks at the foot of a cliff, apparently fast asleep. Sean is propped up against the cliff, obviously having futily attempted to stay awake on guard.
Gollum: (climbing head-first down the cliff) They’re thievesss! They’re filthy little thievesss. Where isss it? Where isss it? They sstole it from uss, my Precioussss, and we wantsss it!
The hobbits leap up and grab Gollum’s arms, pulling him down. A struggle ensues in which Gollum leaps for Elijah’s throat, trying to grab the ring. Sam grabs at him but is knocked aside. Sean seizes Gollum and yanks him off Elijah, squeezing him in his arms. Sam helps Sean subdue the wildly squirming creature while Frodo helps Elijah up. Gollum bites Sean’s shoulder and manages to get behind Sam, strangling him.
Elijah: (sticking Sting into Gollum’s throat) Gollum, this is Sting! You’ve seen it once before, when Bilbo carried it! Now I carry it. Release him or I’ll cut your throat.
Gollum: (slowly lets go of Sam and begins to wail.)
Sam is dragging Gollum by the Elven rope tied about his ankle. Gollum is being singularly uncooperative about it.
Gollum: It burns us! It burns us! Take it off! Aaahhhhhh!
Sean: Quiet, you!
Sam: It’s hopeless! Every Orc in Mordor’s gonna hear this racket! Let’s just tie ‘im up and leave ‘im.
Gollum: No! That will kill us, kill us!
Sean: It’s no more than you deserve!
Frodo: Maybe he does deserve to die. But now that I see him, I do pity him.
Elijah: No. No. Frodo, that is a very bad idea. Do not-
Frodo: (unties Gollum)
Mauhur: (holds up his hand to halt them)
Ugluk: What is it? What do you smell?
Mauhur: (sniffing) Manflesh.
Ugluk: They’ve caught our scent!
Mauhur: Let’s move!
Aragorn: Their pace quickens. They must have caught our scent.
Viggo: With you, I can’t say that’d be too hard.
John: Uugghhh! I’d forgotten how heavy all this mail is!
Legolas: Orlando! Viggo! Mae govannen, mellyn!
Aragorn: Where did you guys go? Abandoning us just when the fight was thickest!
John: Don’t look at me! I disappeared back in Lorien, remember?
Gimli: (lovesick sigh)
Viggo: Hey, Orlando banished me!
Aragorn: Back to the business at hand…
Viggo: Yeah, yeah, tracking those idiotic hobbits. Hey! The hobbits! Where’re Dom and Billy?
Orlando: I would assume they’re wherever Merry and Pippin are. Seeing as Ian, Elijah, and Sean are missing too, it’s a fair bet that they are with their counterparts as well.
John: Stuck-up know-it-all Elves…
Legolas: Orlando, did you have to bring the Dwarf?
Viggo: C’mon. We’ve got to go that way.
Aragorn: How do you know?
Viggo: I shot this scene fourteen times, I oughtta remember which way to go!
Aragorn: Right. Forth, the Six Hunters!
As the Six Hunters run, the Uruks-with the four hobbits-are running as well. Near nightfall…
Orc: We ain’t goin’ no further till we’ve ‘ad a breather!
Ugluk: Get a fire going!
The hobbits are dropped to the ground as the Orcs begin chopping tree limbs for a fire.
Dom: And before you say it, no, you did not make a mistake in leaving the Shire.
Merry: (whispers) Think they can read minds, Pip?
A groaning, rumbling sound emanates from the forest. The Hobbits flinch and look up.
Billy: What’s making that noise?
Dom: It’s the trees.
Merry: You remember the Old Forest? On the Border of Buckland?
Dom: Yeah, the one where you were supposed to meet Tom Bombadil, only-
Billy: Shut up.
Merry: Um…yeah…anyway, folk used to say that there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall–and come alive!
Merry: Trees that could whisper…talk to each other….even move.
Billy: No, see, the trees themselves could only-
Orc: I’m starving. We ain’t ‘ad nothin but maggoty bread for three stinking days!
Orc2: Yeah! Why can’t we have some meat! (he looks at the hobbits) What about them? They’re fresh!
Ugluk: They are not for eating!
Two Uruks seize the hobbits by their bound hands and drag them backwards.
Dom: Ouch! Ritz’s this ain’t, that’s for sure.
Grishnakh: What about their legs? They don’t need those. Oooh, they look tasty!
Ugluk: Get back, scum!
Orc2: Just a mouthful!
Ugluk beheads the Orc.
Ugluk: Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!
Billy: (winces and turns his head, disgusted)
Merry: Pippin! You two! Let’s go!
The four hurriedly squirm across the ground. Suddenly a heavy foot lands on Billy’s back.
Grishnakh: Go on, call for help! Squeal! No one’s-
Dom: Pretentious disloyal Hutt-loving snake-in-the-grass!
A spear seems to magically grow from Grishnakh’s back. Mayhem ensues as the Riders of Rohan ride through the camp, slaughtering Orcs and Uruks discriminately.
The hobbits race through the camp, dodging spears and dead bodies. Suddenly Pippin falls and turns just in time to see a pair of hooves headed for his face.
To be continued….
Special thanks to Tigerlily_Goldworthy for beta-ing!