Gollum : See, see, we have led you out! Hurry, hurry! Very lucky we find you, nice hobbitses!
Sean : It’s a bog!
Sam : He’s led us into a swamp!
Gollum: Swamp, yes. Come, master! We will take you on safe paths through the mist. Come, hobbitses, come, we must move quickly. I found it, I did, the way through the marshes. Orcs don’t use it, Orcs don’t know it. They go round and round for miles and miles. Come quickly!
Sam: There are dead things! Dead faces in the water!
Sean: Ewwww!!! Gross! Sick!
Gollum: All dead, all rotten. Elves and Men and Orcs. A great battle, long ago, that is what they told us. The Dead Marshes. Yes, yes, that is the name. This way. Don’t follow the lights.
Sam: (his foot slips) Eww!
Gollum: Careful now, or hobbits go down to join the dead ones, and light little candles of their own.
Elijah: Frodo! (tries to catch Frodo and manages to fall in himself)
Cue creepy music and dead faces. Sean dashes over and yanks Elijah out, while Gollum goes after Frodo.
Gollum: Don’t follow the lights!
Elijah: (spits out a mouthful of water) Now that is a piece of advice you should listen to.
That night, with more creepy music… Elijah and Frodo are lying back-to-back. Sam and Sean are asleep. Their masters, however, are busy playing with two small golden items…
Elijah and Frodo are lying back-to-back. Sam and Sean are asleep. Their masters, however, are busy playing with two small golden items…
Gollum: So bright. So beautiful. Our Precious.
Frodo: What did you say?
Gollum: Master should be sleeping. Master needs to keep up his strength.
Elijah: This ground is too darn hard to sleep on. Man, I wish I had my waterbed.
Frodo: You sleep on water?
Elijah: Actually, it’s a rubbery-type large bag filled with water, but yeah.
Frodo: (to Gollum) Who are you?
Gollum: Mustn’t ask us our name, not their business, gollum. Gollum.
Frodo: Gandalf told me you were one of the River Folk.
Gollum: Cold be heart and hand and bone and cold be traveler far from home.
Elijah: He said your life was a sad story.
Gollum: They do not see what lies ahead when sun has faded and moon is dead.
Frodo: You were not so very different from a Hobbit once, were you…Sméagol?
Gollum: (flinches and turns around) What did you call me?
Frodo: That was your name once, wasn’t it? A long time ago.
Gollum: My…my name…Sméagol.
Elijah: (cheerfully) Yup! I hate to interrupt this touching little reunion, but-
Sam: Black Riders!
Gollum: Hide! Hide!
Sam and Sean scramble for cover. Both Elijah and Frodo fall backwards, clutching at their chests with eerily identical movements.
Sam: C’mon, Frodo!
Sean: Come on!
Gollum: They will see us! They will see us! Wraiths! Wraiths on wingses!
Sam: I thought they were dead!
Gollum: No, you cannot kill them. No.
Sean: Oh, that’s cheerful.
Gollum: They are calling for the Precioussss!
Frodo and Elijah reach for their respective rings. Sam grabs Frodo’s hand and holds it, while Sean goes for a more direct approach, holding both of Elijah’s wrists in a vise-like grip. The Ringwraith circles overhead for several minutes, then flies off to the distance. Both hobbits relax their grips.
Gollum: Hurry, hobbits. The Black Gate is very close.
Meanwhile, Aragorn, Viggo, and company are wandering through Fangorn Forest, hoping to find their hobbit companions. Not Frodo, Elijah, Sean, and Sam, the other ones.
Gimli: (touches his finger to a leaf and tastes) Orc blood!
John: Gimli, that’s disgusting.
Gimli: Why do you think I spat it out?
John: Why the heck did you do it in the first place? It’s black and it’s bloody, so obviously it’s Orc blood!
Orlando: Would you two shut UP?!
Aragorn: These are strange tracks.
Viggo: 4-foot square footprints that look like they were made by a 8-toed T-rex? Maybe that is a little strange.
Gimli: The air is so close in here.
Legolas: This forest is old. Very old. Full of memories. And anger.
Viggo: Thanks for the natural history lesson, now if we could-
Orlando: The trees are speaking to each other!
Viggo: Lower your axe!
Gimli: Oh. (does so)
Viggo: You too, John. Put it away, for pete’s sake.
Legolas: Aragorn, nad no ennas.
Orlando: (whispering loudly) For those who don’t speak Elvish, namely 1/3rd of our party, he thinks something’s out there.
John: (mutters) I KNOW something’s out there.
Viggo: Man cenich?
Orlando: The White Wizard approaches.
John: Oh crap.
Aragorn: Do not let him speak. He will put a spell on us.
Viggo: Aragorn, that’s really not necessary, he’s-
The three `Originals’ -Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli- whirl around with weapons at the ready. Viggo, Orlando, and John stay in the background with plenty of groaning and eye-rolling. Naturally, the axe and arrow thrown at the two wizards are deflected, and Aragorn almost gets a second-degree burn from a suddenly red-hot sword.
Wizard: You are tracking the footsteps of four young hobbits.
Aragorn: Where are they?
Wizard 2: They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met several people that half of them did not expect. Does that comfort you?
Orlando: (aside to Legolas) He’s worse than Bilbo.
Aragorn: Who are you? Show yourselves!
The light dims, revealing Ian and Gandalf, both clad in pure white robes.
Aragorn: It cannot be! You fell!
Viggo: Yes, we know.
Gandalf: Through fire, and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, we fought him. The Balrog of Morgoth.
Ian: Until at last we threw down our enemy and he broke the mountainside where he smote it in his ruin. Darkness took Gandalf, and he strayed out of thought and time, or so he says. I, however, sat around on a snow-covered mountainside, freezing my butt off, waiting for a stupid eagle to come pick us up.
John: Our sympathy knows no end. We, meanwhile, were fighting off hordes of Uruk-hai, almost getting killed -Boromir’s dead, by the way- and running for days on end.
Viggo: And SOME of us broke our toes!
Ian: That’d be him. Gandalf the White. He got upgraded.
Orlando: So did you, I see.
Ian: Yeah, these robes are a lot more comfortable than those itchy grey things. Plus they don’t get dirty.
Viggo: Interesting. Bet you could make a lot of money marketing that.
Orlando: He’s already a millionaire, what more d’you want?
Viggo: Good point.
Ian: Be quiet and come on. We have to get to Edoras. Gríma’s driving Théoden nuts.
Gandalf: What he said. Let’s go.
A few moments later all 8 of them are out of the forest. Gandalf and Ian both whistle.
Legolas: Those are Mearas, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell.
Viggo: Holy cow….You have one too?
Ian: Yup. Twins, I guess.
Orlando: Way cool.
Ian: Yeah. Hop on. Where’d you get the extra horses, anyway?
Orlando: Well, mine’n’John’s is Hausurod. Viggo’s is Afel.
John: Aptly put.
Gandalf: Shadowfax. He is the lord of all horses and he’s been my friend through many dangers.
Ian: This is Felaróf II. HE is the lord of all horses.
Viggo: Quit squabbling, you two.
Ian subsides and all 8 mount and ride off into the sunset…oh wait. Okay, they just ride off.