The seventeen companions race across the Dwarrowdelf. Orcs spring snarling from the cracks in the ground and from pillars above them, brandishing weapons. Finally, just seventy feet from the doors, the Fellowship is surrounded.
Elijah: Please don’t be late Balrog please don’t be late Balrog please don’t be –
Frodo: What are you muttering about over there?
Elijah: Uh… heh heh heh….just, um, running through some old lines of Elven lore.
Frodo: At a time like this? You fanatic….
Gandalf: Prepare the White Magic, Ian….ready your staff.
Ian: We don’t need to, actually.
Gandalf: Are you insane?????
Ian: Wait just a moment and everything will be all right.
Orcs: (run away shrieking in terror)
Ian: I prove my point!
Gandalf: Oh, we are screwed….RUN!
At the doors, the two wizards began putting double shutting-spells on it. The rest of the Company continues on down a flight of stairs. Boromir almost falls off an edge, but is caught by Orlando just in time. The Sean B. slams into Orlando, and all three would’ve plummeted to their deaths if Legolas had to pulled them to safety.
Ian and Gandalf staggered down the stairs, and they move on, until they come to a six-foot gap in the staircase, with no visible bottom.
Legolas: (leaps across)
Orlando: Orcs! (begins shooting arrows)
Legolas: Nice jump, but I was referring to him.
Gandalf: (jumps across) How can you tell the difference between us, anyway?
Legolas: My naturally superior senses and Elven abilities.
Boromir: Merry! Pippin! (he grabs Pippin and Dom under each arm and leaps the gap, just as another piece breaks loose and falls, widening the gap to nine feet)
Merry: You left me, Boromir!
Sean B.: Relax, midget. (jumps with Merry)
Viggo: C’mere, Sam. (hurls Sean A. across into Boromir’s arms.
Sam: I’m still waiting….
Aragorn: (throws Sam, then turns to Gimli)
Gimli: NOBODY tosses a Dwarf! Aaaarrr!
John: Wait! He won’t make it! Somebody catch him!
Orlando catches Gimli by the beard
Gimli: NOT THE BEARD!!!
Orlando: I could just let you fall, you know.
John: You can throw ME, Aragorn….
Aragorn: (throws John, then tucks Elijah under his arm and leaps across)
Narrator: Just as Viggo was about to leap the gap with Frodo, a huge piece crumbled from beneath his feet. He threw Frodo back to safety, then scrambled back himself as two huge sections fell away. The gap is now sixteen feet – much to far to jump. Then another rock fell from the ceiling, smashing the stairs behind them, so now Viggo and Frodo are balancing atop a large crumbly pillar.
Frodo: We’re going to die!
Viggo: Steady! Lean forward!
Frodo: Why, Aragorn?
Viggo: First of all I’m not Aragorn, and secondly because I said so!
Gandalf: Oy, they are going to die.
Ian: No, they’re fine.
Gandalf: How can they possible get out of this?
Ian: Just watch….
The stone pillar slowly leans forward with a loud groan and smashes against the other side of the staircase. Frodo is caught by Sean B. and Legolas catches Viggo.
Gandalf: The bridge is near! Fly!
Balrog: (breathes fire)
Viggo: Don’t wait, Gandalf!
The Fellowship crosses the Bridge of Khazad-dum, a narrow span of rock across a chasm of immeasurable depth. Not all, though. Gandalf and Ian remained in the middle of the span, Gandalf in the centre and Ian a few steps behind him.
Gandalf: You cannot pass! I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor.
Ian: And so am I! Two against one!
Gandalf: The Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! Go back to the Shadow!
Ian: You heard him, now scat!
Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Gandalf breaks the bridge, and the Balrog falls. But as he fell he cracked his whip, pulling Gandalf over the edge. Gandalf manages to grab the edge with his fingers.
Ian: Here! Take my hand, I’ll pull you up!
Gandalf: I knew you were going to come in useful sometime….
Ian: Whoa! Ah! You’re pulling me over! I’m slipping! Help!
Orlando: (races back onto the bridge)
Gandalf: Let me go!
Ian: Never! (slips) AAAAHH!
Orlando: (dives but just misses Ian’s hand)
Gandalf: Fly, you —
Ian: — fools1
Elijah: Don’t worry, Frodo, I’ll bet he’ll turn up in the next movie.
Frodo: Movie? What’s that?
Elijah: Forget I said anything.
Back in London, there is another flash, and Ian appears next to Billy Boyd on the couch.
Billy: What happened to you?
Ian: Well, we were falling and hacking away at that Balrog, and suddenly I was here. Have you been watching us?
Billy: Yeah, look, you can see doubles of everyone on the screen.
Ian: What? That is the weirdest thing I have ever seen – grab a videotape, nobody will ever believe us otherwise, we’ve got to get a copy of this.
Billy: I already have one recording, don’t worry. Look, see? They’re grieving for you.
Ian: How touching.
to be continued…