The setting: a small room in London. There are nine men seated in various positions around the room, all facing a big-screen TV. Their names are: Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, Elijah Wood, Ian McKellan, John Rhys-Davies, Orlando Bloom, Sean Austin, Sean Bean, and Viggo Mortensen. They are watching the DVD extended version of The Fellowship of the Ring. The movie has just reached the point where Boromir is teaching Merry and Pippin to sword-fight, when suddenly a blinding flash of light comes from the screen. When the nine actors open their eyes…
Orlando: What the-Holy cow!
Pippin: Gandalf, who are these guys?
Gandalf: Be quiet, Pippin. Who are you?
Aragorn: (draws his sword)
Sam: (worriedly) Don’t worry, Mr. Frodo. I’ll protect you.
Sean A: Aw, shut up.
Viggo: Mae govannan, Mithrandir.
Legolas: It speaks! (Astonished) In Sindarin, nonetheless!
Orlando: Very observant of you.
Elijah: Hiyah, Frodo!
Frodo: Uh, greetings.
Gandalf: What are you doing here, strangers?
Ian: We were hoping you could tell us that.
Frodo, Elijah, Sam, Sean A, Merry, Dom, Pippin, Billy, Aragorn, Viggo, Legolas, Orlando, Boromir, Sean B, Gandalf, and Ian: Hey, you look like me!
John: (sarcastically) I was wondering when you guys would figure that out.
Everyone begins talking at once and no one can figure out what anyone else is saying.
Gandalf: All of you SHUT UP! (A mass silence falls.) Thank you. Now, strangers, who is your leader?
The actors all turn to Ian, who sighs.
Ian: I suppose I am. Shall we try to make a bit of sense out of this?
Gandalf: An excellent notion. Samwise, offer our guests some luncheon.
Sam: Any of you people hungry?
Orlando, Viggo, Elijah, and Sean B: No.
Sean A, Dom, John, and Billy: Yes!
Dom: Are there any mushrooms left, or did you lot eat them all?
Ten long minutes (that Aragorn, Viggo, Legolas, Orlando, Boromir, Sean B, Frodo, and Elijah spend eyeing each other suspiciously and the others spend eating) later, the wizard and Ian rise and walk towards the rest of the two parties.
Gandalf: These guests will be traveling with the Company for some time, so you may as well introduce yourselves.
Gimli: Oh great. TWO Elves!
Legolas: (VERY sarcastic) Oh great. TWO Dwarves!
Dom: Hi, Aragorn! I’m Dominic.
Aragorn: Dominic? That’s a strange name.
Dom: (quietly; sarcastic) Thanks, ‘Thorongil’.
Aragorn: (incredilously) How did you-
Orlando: Hiyah, Aragorn!
Everyone pairs off with his counterpart. After a while, in which they all become friends, Orlando notices something.
Orlando: Hey, look, you guys! We’re all in costume!
The actors look down. Not only are they in costume, but Elijah, Sean A, Billy, and Dom have shrunk and grown hairy feet, Orlando’s ears are pointed and he’s wearing his wig-only it isn’t a wig…in short, there are 9 sets of identical twins sitting beside each other.
John: Wha-but I’m not wearing my prosthetics!
Legolas: Costume? You’re in perfectly normal clothes!
Orlando: Yeah. Right.
Legolas: Right. So, how good are you with that bow?
Orlando: At least as good as you are!
Pippin: What’s pros-thet-ics?
Legolas: (challengingly) So, do you think you can nail Gimli to that tree by his beard?
Gandalf and Ian: (in unison) NO WAY!!
Orlando: Just once?
Aragorn: Just because your Races aren’t the best of friends doesn’t mean-
Legolas: (under his breath) -That you must forever be at odds with each other. I know. Why did Elrond have to send a Dwarf with the Company anyway?
Legolas: From Dunland!
Aragorn: Yeah, hide. Frodo!
Five excruciatingly long minutes later…
Pippin: Gandalf, what were those things?
Ian: I’m not Gandalf-
Gandalf: I’M Gandalf!
Gandalf: The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras.
Elijah: Oh, that’s just great. I’m BAREFOOT, for Pete’s sake!
John: So sorry. You’ll have to live with it.
Merry: Do we have to go on just yet? I’m not done with my luncheon!