1. You think it’s impossible to read the Silmarillion too many times.
2. You’ve added the Silmarillion to your dictionary on your computer because you use it so many times
3. You have five copies of the Silmarillion, the first being a first edition that you bought on Ebay, the second is a later edition in better condition, the third is for posterity and the fourth sits in pristine condition on your bookshelf. The fifth, much used, is in your backpack/jacket pocket/purse so that you may study it constantly and have it at the ready to answer questions for new converts or to make converts.
4. You have made converts to All Things Silmarillion or simply to the Silmarillion
5. You’ve misspelled simply as silmply.
6. Your converts have converts.
7. You lead a local chapter of converts (all your very own!) on a once monthly book study so that they may know all contained therein.
8. On non-Tolkien boards (the heretics!) you are known as `that Tolkien maniac’ or `that Silmarillion maniac’.
9. You try to start a Silmarillion RP on a non-Tolkien board and are disappointed when it doesn’t work.
10. You spend an entire day kicking yourself over a geography mistake that you made in an RP post pertaining to the Silmarillion.
11. You have composed the Noldolante.
12. In Quenya.
13. Written in Tengwar.
14. For the benefit of non-Quenya speakers you have also rendered it into Sindarin.
15. No matter how you do it though, you know Maglor sings better. You only hope he offers tutorials in the Halls of Mandos.
16. You’ve recited it for a talent show and they gave you the prize just to make you stop.
17. Your entire family (nonfans) have it memorised, in Quenya because you won’t stop reciting it in the car.
18. Your entire family (nonfans) has a rough idea of who everyone is, but they occasionally make slips.
19. When they do, you hammer them for it.
20. You should be practising your lines for an upcoming play, instead, you’re reading Philosopher at Large’s latest additions.
21. Or you’re making a list like this.
22. You don’t see why there’s such a fuss over Legolas/Arwen/friend’s lust object, don’t they know that the First Age elves were much, much more handsome/beautiful/amazing/incredible/skilled in battle/better singers/actually _did_ things?
23. Then you decide you’re not going to tell them, because Feanor/Maedhros/Maglor/Finrod/Edrahil/Fingon/Turgon/Glorfindel/Eol/Fingolfin/Gwindor/Gelmir/Beleg/Mablung/Beren/Luthien/Aredhel/Findulias/Earwen/Idril/Tuor/Celebrian/Ringil/one of the Trees/a palantir/ all of the above is/are all yours!! Mwahahahah!!!
24. You had no trouble thinking up all those names and are irate to see that your favourite is not on the list.
25. A convert asks if elves are telepathic. Another is certain they aren’t. You get into a looong discussion regarding the beginning of Chapter 17 and you still can’t reach an agreement.
26. You introduce yourself as (Your Quenya/Sindarin name here) son/daughter of (Parent’s name in Quenya/Sindarin) until you reach a certain age (13/16/18/21/Whenever you move out) Then you call yourself (Your name in Quenya/Sindarin) the (A physical/mental/ parentally chosen/historical trait about yourself)
27. New vocabulary terms: “Eru’s blessing on you.” “Valar help us.” “Valar of Eru, our guardians dear, except for that one…” and you never *** people in the conventional way- “Damn you to the Void!” “May Ungoliant devour you!”
28. People stare at you when you do the rosary responses in Quenya. You stare back at them for responding in English. They’re dreading your turn to lead.
29. As the eldest, you consider yourself very lenient when you don’t draw steel on your brother for his latest stupidity, then you just wish he could be more like Fingolfin.
30. You say hello to Tillion and Arien when you see them. This gets you more strange looks.
31. When your counsellor asks about your home life, you tell them how intolerable it is to have six younger brothers especially the twins! The counsellor looks puzzled.
32. You’ve climbed to the top of a mountain looking for eagles. Failing to find them you look for a cairn, or Maedhros.
33. You can’t play a game of chess without comparing it to one or more battles for Arda.
34. You’re frightened to death at the thought that someday the creature known as M*** S** will find her way to the First Age.
35. If this happens, you will personally lead your battalion of Silmarillion fans into the fray.
36. When your counsellor asks about your friends, you name your favourite characters. Okay, so the conversation is a little one side, but they listen!
37. You both want to see the Silmarillion done as an anime and are horribly afraid of the idea at the same time.
38. You’ve gone for a walk in the woods and pretended you were in Neldoreth/Brethil/Dorthonion/Region/InsertwhateverforestImissedhere.
39. Whenever anyone mispronounces the Silmarillion you get a tad irate and make them say it twenty times correctly.
40. You’ve tried and failed to build a tree house like Luthien’s in a nearby tree.
41. You’ve been to (Insert a famous Caves/Caverns name), deliberately left the tour and tried to persuade others to help you set up Nargothrond/Menegroth.
42. You haunt your local cutlery shop (which sells swords!) and are waiting for them to get a black sword that talks.
43. Failing that, any sword that glows when your maths teacher is around will do.
44. Your attempts to make a battle worthy blade from PVC piping, duct tape and closed cell foam almost sent ‘Morgoth’ (little brother) to the hospital.
45. You wonder why you’re all alone as you’re making the Oath to get back your A-drive disks/bike/chocolate stash/first edition book from your mother/father/roommate/younger sib/. Then it hits you. You don’t have seven sons. You’re not sure you want to and drop the whole thing, then spend the rest of your life in terror that the Holy Mountain, the Everlasting Darkness or the Void will find you.
46. (Guys) You meet your soulmate dancing in the woods. For some reason she screams and runs away very quickly when you call `Tinuviel’. She doesn’t stop running.
47. (Girls) You’re not so certain that this guy’s for you. After all, you haven’t gone through heck and high water yet, isn’t something missing? And what if you’re related?
48. You’re going carolling and you bring a fire extinguisher. When asked why by concerned friends and neighbours you relate the breaking of the Siege and while you doubt one fire extinguisher is going to do much against demon-fire, you’re not moving without it.
49. If anyone mentions `Santa’s elves’ you don’t go `ballistic’ on them. You go `Feanorian’.
50. If anyone mentions `fairies’ and elves in the same breath you do the above.
51. If you can’t have a sword for Christmas, you want Ecthelion’s helmet/Luthien’s cloak/Angcrist/a Silmaril/all of the above.
A letter from J.R.R. Tolkien to illustrator Doris Sykes will be sold by Hermitage Fine Art Monaco for £15,000 ($25,0000).