Two of the Tolkien Online message board posters uncovered previously unpublished letters between some of Middle Earth’s bad guys and their superiors. This certainly sheds light on the events in “Fellowship of the Ring”! First reported on the TORC message boards.
Letter to Melkor
discovered by “Hama”
23 Acacia Avenue,
Beyond the door of night,
Yo Big M,
“…Sauron pulled that ring scam he was always going on about…”
Sorry I haven’t written since the first age, but you know how it is. I had one hell of a hangover after that big bash at Thangorodrim. I missed all of the second age, would you believe, and I only came to after some dwarf sticks a pickaxe in my head. Mad? I was livid. I burnt the little scumbag to a crisp, and all the others with him for good measure. I still get migraines. God, I hate those stunted little hairballs. Oops, sorry, I forgot, you don’t like the ‘g’ word. Anyway, I had a bit of catching up to do and it took me ages to find out what had happened to you.
Sorry to hear about the banishment. Tough break. Mr High and Mighty ‘Hey you, get back here to Valinor’ Manwe really enjoys throwing his weight around, doesn’t he. Anyway, after you got the shove, your nearest and dearest, Mr ‘I have a cunning plan’ Sauron started a bit of empire building on his own. Did you know he managed to diddle the Noldor again? God, those elves are stupid. Sorry, sorry, I said the ‘g’ word again. But I ask you. You would have thought they would have learnt by now. Sauron pulled that ring scam he was always going on about. It nearly worked too, but those Noldor took off their rings just as Sauron put on his. Who would have guessed it, eh? I didn’t think they had enough of the flame imperishable amongst the lot of them to light a small campfire. It must have been more by luck than judgment. Sauron was absolutely seething, I can tell you. He did manage to topple the Númenoreans though. That was a sweet move. He actually persuaded the idiots to invade Valinor. Can you believe that? Laugh? I wet myself. Took me ages to ignite again.
Things haven’t been all darkness and death, though. Sauron got his backside wupped by the elves and the men that were left here, and he lost his ring. Careless I call it. I always said to him, hang on to your native power, I said. Don’t waste it. He didn’t listen though, he never did. Anyway, he’s built himself back up and is stewing over in that tower of his, looking everywhere for that ring. If he wants my advice, he should look down the plug hole. Get a decent plumber in and take the sink unit apart, that’s what I would do.
Things have cooled off here since then. I’ve managed to get some of the old bunch together down here. Ugnash is here, so is Boldog. We occasionally hold ‘bring your own dwarf’ parties, but little else is happening. Oh, hold on, Ugnash is beating that damned drum again. Gah! I got a migraine building. If this is a false alarm I will do for Ugnash, I really will. Who does he think he is, banging away on that drum! Carl Palmer? Got to go, Big M, I’ll try and write again, when I get a chance.
Your ever hating Valarauker,
Report to Sauron
discovered by “Gungnir”
Sorry I’ve been a while but we finally found that ‘Shire’ place we were looking for. Popped in on Curunir to give him a shakedown but he said he didn’t have a clue – I bet the sneaky weasel is spinning us a line. Anyway we were heading North and saw a couple of little fellows – you wouldn’t believe how short they are, and its not due to a poor diet, believe me – anyway we asked them about the Shire and they told us to go west for a few miles.
We went past some barrows and I popped in to see some wights I knew from way back when for a chat and a cup of tea and they told me all about the Shire. These little fellows who live there apparently do nothing all day but eat and sleep. Oh yes they also like to inhale smoke they get when they burn some weeds which grow hereabouts – can you believe that? The chaps and I tried it and I certainly would NOT recommend it – I went dizzy and Khamul was nearly sick. It really irritates the sinuses – we’re all sniffing constantly and I’ve had the most horrible headcold for a week.
And my backside is aching from riding this damned horse – I’ve a good mind to drown it in a river – when are those flying things going to be ready?
We finally got to the Shire – pretty dull place – not a volcano in sight, just grass and trees and stuff. Asked around about Baggins but everyone here seems to be a bit retarded, never heard of the chap. We have got a lead however so we’re just looking into it now. Apparently someone by the name of Baggins lives near here in a hole halfway up a hill – how quaint(!)
Do me a favour boss – when we get your Ring back, try and hold on to it. If you lose it again, you can find it yourself.
The Witch King of Angmar