The Nine Stalkers and the Search for the Kingly Ranger - A parody written by the girls on the Aragorn/Viggo Mortensen swooning thread
ladyofrohirrim- LoR (editor)
Before we get to the actual story, it would make a little more sense to show you how we got there.
It all started with this one line by Maeg on July 16:
"I think I'll wear my one ring of power today and feel mysteriously invisible."
In reply, Meli said:
"Maeg, I have a wonderful idea on how to use your one ring. You'll have to include me somehow since you'll need someone to help you, like Frodo needed Sam. We must travel to wherever Viggo is presently; one of us put on the ring and stay close until he is alone. Then ................ Of course we'll have to take turns having that special one on one time with The Kingly One. I'll let you go first since you have the ring and all. BUT DON'T LEAVE ME OUT.
Just think, the ring can also come in handy if we need to escape from the local lock-up facility. Hopefully no one would have to ride out in a barrel floating down the river like Bilbo.
Something to think about. Let me know when you're ready for the adventure."
"Meli- that's a good idea... but it seems you and Maeg need a group of seven other companions at least in the beginning! You have my sword..."
"Meli -- I'm game for your idea with the ring. I like the way your mind operates! The school year will start soon, so let's make it sooner rather than later. Think we can include the other 7 as LoR suggests? A little invisible rendezvous sounds just kinky enough..."
"Forget the Nine Walkers... we are the Nine Stalkers!"
"Meli and LoR -- after gazing at that steely eyed expression again I am MORE than ready to start this quest! What are we waiting for? Let's go! [rides off into the sunset, turns around, rides back] By the way... where do we start? ..."
"I'm ready to go too, Maeg. That picture of him just made me ready and rearing to go. But who is our fearless leader? Which way do we go? Who will guide us? Are you up to the task LoR? Just point me in the right direction and stand back!"
"I'm taking you into the wild... (I've always wanted to say that.)
Uh, yeah, what exactly are we doing? Tell me, and I'll be definitely up for it!
I just signed up after Maeg said she had the Ring, and Meli suggested to go stalking after Viggo... so I'm not really in on the prelim planning.
We could make a pretty cool fanfic/parody thread, actually, about fake-stalking Viggo, but going to all of the places that the Fellowship went in LotR."
And so it begins...
Well, as Gandalf would say, "You ought to go quietly, and you ought to go soon." There seem to be some unsavory characters on black Harley-Davidson's hanging around, so we better take the advice and start soon. I hear they keep asking for "baggies". I don't know if they want zip locks or twist ties, so I'm trying to stay out of their way. Some call them the Black Riders, but they may be stray swooners from the Faramir thread since it does mention leather-bound in their topic line.
I say we start at the farmer's market, I heard there was a short cut and some mighty tasty mushrooms. Maeg grabs the ring of power and Meli, Solith, lhaewin, LoR, and Maeg head off to the local farmer's market, but when they get there -- EWWWWW! -- the mushrooms are all maggoty.
But as we have already started the journey in that farmer's market, we can buy some carrots at least, although a big one is broken. We pay and go outside. It is nearly dark. Far away we can hear the sound of motorbikes. It would be better to hide! Around the corner there is an old shed and its door isn't locked. Let's slip in there. The motorbikes come closer and Solith peeps through a small hole in the wall. She tells us what she sees.
As Solith looks through the hole in the wood, she sees a Black Rider stop his bike and say to the owner of the farmer's market "ssswoonersss"
The owner fearfully replies, "There are no swooners here... they're all up at Fandom" The Black Rider changes gears and speeds away...
"Whew," breathed Maeg, "that was close!"
"I know," said Meli, "where to next?"
"We must get over the river," said LoR.
"The Buckleberry Ferry!" exclaimed lhaewin.
"Let's get off the road now where they won't see us," Maeg said.
The road goes ever on and on,
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone,
And I must follow if I can,
Pursuing him with weary feet,
Until we join with him one day,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
Everyone stared at Meli after she spoke. "I didn't make that up," she said. "I remember hearing it before, but I'm not sure from whom or where. Guess hearing about the road made it pop out."
"Speaking again of the road, I agree that we'd best get as far from it as we can," said lhaewin, "let's take this path behind the Farmer's market. I think that it leads toward the ferry." The Stalkers vanish in the forest towards the ferry. In between it's quite dark, they can hardly see the way, which is stony and narrow.
Meli says, "At least the Harley-Riders can't follow us." Then, suddenly, they hear roaring motors.
"The Riders have changed to cross-machines!" LoR calls out. "We must hurry and protect the Ring-bearer!" She takes Maeg's hand and they speed to the ferry. They climb over a fence - now the Riders must get off the bikes and pursue them on foot. In the very last moment the Stalkers manage to get on the ferry and untie the rope. Solith takes out a photo of the King and starts to swoon. She looses her balance and falls into the water. The others manage to pull her out while she is clutching the precious photo.
The Stalkers watched as the bank of the river was swallowed in mist, taking the Riders with it. The Ferry hit the other side hard-swooners in a hurry tend to forget nice landings- and the girls leapt off.
Very soon, the Stalkers found themselves at the main gate to Bree.
Meli knocked on the door, and a small hatch opened. "Whaddya want?" came the mumbled, hoarse voice of the gatekeeper.
The wet and thoroughly miserable Stalkers looked up at him. Maeg shouted up their errand- they were to stay at the Prancing Pony tonight, so he had better let them in. Seeing the cold, huddled forms of the Stalkers, the gatekeeper couldn't help wondering that even though they had obviously not seen a comb or shower for several days, they still looked beautiful, so he let them in.
"The road goes ever on," said Maeg, "you can say that again, my feet are killing me!"
"Well, we now know the answer to that," said lhaewin.
"Viggo shoes!!!" they all cry together.
"Wait... Viggo? Shoes? ... something doesn't sit right with that," said Solith, "we may need to go swoon at that barefoot.provocateuse.com site again."
"And that gives me an idea-- if we study his feet carefully enough, perhaps we can track him!" said LoR.
After a night at Prancing Pony, the photos from IR made for a filling breakfast and second breakfast.
"Oh my!" said LoR, "Look at that smile! What a face!"
"Let me see," squealed lhaewin, "I want to see. Pass it down to me."
"Is this the one of his feet?" queried Maeg. "I'd like to play footsie with him."
"What about those tan pants? Is there a picture of him in THEM?" asked Solith.
"I hope there is a sweaty Strider one in the bunch," said Meli, "pass those pictures down this way!"
"Hang on gals," there's plenty for all IR said, as she spread the photos across the table.
"Who is that?" asked a Fazgul at the bar in the Prancing Pony, "he's too old and scraggly looking. You girls are nuts for thinking he's fine."
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king (of our hearts!)
"A fire has woken here," said Meli, "we'd better get out of here. No telling what those stalkers will do if they get their hands on you."
LoR said, "Those bikers may show up any time."
"Which way do we go? Where is our king and how can we find him?" Solith asked wildly.
"We must go out into the wild and travel to his home, if he is there. Perhaps we can stop at Elrond's place for a pit stop. I've heard that there are more pictures of him there," Maeg answered.
The Stalkers try to stand up but find themselves intoxicated by the beauty of the pictures they had been swooning over. They stagger out the door and out into the road.
"Well, it looks as though we have already been to Weathertop," said LoR, "funny, I don't remember the trip!"
"It's the photos," replied Meli, "I think we probably floated to Weathertop on a cloud of passion."
As they approach the river the sound of bikes can be heard fast approaching. "Hold tight to those photos and run like a big dog!" yells lhaewin.
"Wait, quick take off those Viggo shoes and let Bill carry them across in the packs. We wouldn't want to ruin them in the river," says Solith.
Just as the stalkers reach the other side the bikes appear and start across the river. LoR is running just in front of them and the company suddenly recalls that she has been missing for a few minutes.
"Run!" screams Meli, but LoR gets a sly smile on her face and says, "No, let's just wait and see."
The bikes stall out in the middle of the river and the current starts to wash them downstream. With curious faces the company turns to look at LoR. "Sugar in the gas tank," she says, smiling.
When the stalkers arrived in Rivendell, they went to see Lord Elrond, since he probably knew the location of Aragorn. On the way through, they walked in a beautiful glade. They found Idril, sitting on a bench in the sunshine who was happy to meet her friends again. Of course, she was eager to look at the lovely pictures and could hardly stop swooning.
Lord Elrond invited them at once to a council that was about to begin. Meli, LoR and Solith joined in. Maeg and lhaewin stayed with Idril drooling at the photos.
During the council the girls were told that Aragorn had left Rivendell only one week ago and was heading to Edoras where one of his most passionate fangirls lived. They were also warned about an odd creature named Gollum who collected all kinds of photos (the Aragorn ones were preciousssss to him.)
"Follow me," said IR as the stalkers set out from Rivendell, "I've been studying the tracks of our Kingly Ranger and I've found his trail. We must make haste else he might give us the slip!"
"She is right! Don't let the Fazguls distract us from our mission!" Meli cried out.
Quickly they gathered food for their journey, put on their Viggo shoes and collected their precious pictures.
As they departed Rivendell, down the River Loudwater in boats Elrond gave them, none noticed the slight creature that crept closely behind them. They would make for the North-South Road that should lead them directly to Edoras. With any luck they would make good time.
And they did indeed make good time floating down the river, but after a few days the water became rough and treacherous and the Stalkers had to abandon the boats and travel on foot.
"I don't like walking a long distance, especially in my Viggo shoes," said IR, "I don't want to wear them out."
"Perhaps we should take them off. The path ahead looks rocky," Idril added. They took off their Viggos and walked up the path.
After walking for several hours, the swooners stopped for a rest. "We have done well," said lhaewin, "we are now much closer to HRH." (His Royal Highness or His Royal Hotness).
"What is that over there? Is that Edoras?" Meli asked.
"There were many maps in Elrond's house. Did you look at any of them?" questioned lhaewin.
"I don't need a map to tell me that we are near Khazad-dum. If we were to pass through Moria we could save ourselves many miles and hours to reach our intended," said Solith, "what do you think, ring bearer?"
"I say we get to him by the shortest route possible. I can't wait to be in his presence, especially with this ring. Let's roll, swooners!" Maeg shouts.
"Don't forget your shoes!" LoR reminds them.
Alas, there was indeed a Balrog in Moria, but all of the swooners made it through the other side with only one casualty: one of LoR's Viggo shoes fell off as the Stalkers were escaping, hitting the Balrog on the head and, off balance, he fell into the chasm below.
There was no time to mourn the loss of the shoe, as IR and Idril pointed out.
"Yes," agreed Solith, "these hills would be swarming with fangirls at night fall."
"We should make for the forest of Lothlorien before we continue our quest," suggested lhaewin.
"Maybe we can find a replacement for LoR's lost shoe," said Meli. Maeg provided some much needed Viggo refreshment, and LoR led on to Lothlorien.
Arriving at the woods of Lothlorien they were met by Haldir, whom had been sent by the Lady Galadriel to greet the ladies. It seems they were expected. In his hands he held a new pair of Viggo shoes for LoR.
Once within the city in the trees Lady Galadriel recognized that the swooners had had a very long day and needed some encouragement to help them on their way, so she gave them precious gifts in the form of more Viggo pictures!
The Stalkers thanked Galadriel many times before they threw themselves over the pictures. When Idril saw the last one she fainted, holding the picture tight to her chest.
"Hey! That's not fair, we should all share them!" said Solith before Meli pointed out to her fellow swooners that it seemed like Idril really had passed out. Maeg gently shook the passed out swooner and she woke, eager to share the picture with the other ladies.
They sat for a long while in the woods of Lorien, getting drunk on the beauty of The Kingly One. Though after a while, LoR pulled herself together and said to the others that they should make the pictures drool-proof before they got ruined from all swooning.
IR, being the handy woman she is, fixed it in a second and the swooning continued all night long. lhaewin was the last one to fall asleep, happily murmuring something about saving a horse and riding a ranger.
The ladies were well rested in Lothlorien and were provided boats to continue down the river. They traveled far and made camp at Amon Hen, but they all felt uneasy. Sure enough, after exploring the near woods, they discovered the place was crawling with swooners -- threads abounded and none of them could agree on the fairest of the long haired men. Some swooned for the Bean, some Elijah, some Dom and Billy, even that nasty Grima had a thread, but the loudest of all were the Fazguls. After much shouting of "Is too!" and "Is not!" they knew this was hopeless and began to run.
This was a tricky situation with all the swooners on their heels. Luckily IR had some screen caps handy. So she pulled out of her bag some lovely pictures from Boromir, Merry, Frodo, and Grima, and for the Fazguls she had even prepared some photos of the interviews at the Comic Con. She scattered them on the ground and the different fangirls were occupied with sorting them out and swooning.
So Solith, LoR, Idril, Meli, Maeg, IR and lhaewin got some lead and they finally entered the realm of Rohan, then Fangorn Forest. There they sat down in the shadows of the trees, polished the Viggo shoes and swooned a lot.
The swooners sat for while in the quite of the forest, enjoying the new pics.
"That royal beauty is to die for," swooned Maeg.
"I feel chills go up and down my spine when I see that one," added Meli.
"Squeeeeeeee!" shouted LoR.
The swooning was interrupted by a strange noise in the hedge nearby. "What was that?" asked Solith, "I don't think it was heavy breathing I heard. Was that you Idril?"
"Wasn't me," Idril answered, "but it could have been this." She walked up to the hedge and picked up an armful or branches that seemed to be alive and kicking.
"Hmmm! Very interesting," said IR, "whatever is it?"
"I am Bush Boy," it answered, "very distant relative to the Ents. I heard you talking and came to see what you were doing. Please don't prune me or use me for firewood. I can be of help to you."
"What can you do to help us?" Maeg queried.
"I can show the way out of the forest swiftly to the Golden Hall," he responded.
"Sounds good to me," said Meli, "lead the way."
Bush Boy guided the swooners quickly and easily through the forest. They reached the edge at dusk and they saw a lovely, rich dwelling before them.
"Meduseld," Bush Boy said, "the King will see to your needs if you tell him of your purpose."
"Thanks Bush Boy!" lhaewin said as she patted him on the back, "take care and watch out for beetles and root rot!"
"One warning," Bush Boy cried out as the swooners were leaving, "do not eat the stew if the Lady Éowyn has been in the kitchen!"
When the swooners entered Meduseld, King Theoden welcomed them. He asked them why they were searching for Viggo.
lhaewin burst out in song:
Where now the horse and the cowboy? Where is the smile he is showing?
Where are the tan pants and leather, and the bright hair flowing?
He has passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow.
"And we mean to find him!" Meli cried.
After a restful night's sleep in comfortable beds, the swooners awoke to the delicious aroma of Krispy Kreme doughnuts and coffee.
"I wonder if Éowyn was in the kitchen this morning?" Solith asked, "do you think these are safe to eat?"
"I'll try one and see," Meli answered and gulped a raspberry filled doughnut. "Seems good to me. Have some."
The swooners filled their stomachs and chatted with the king as they ate.
"Thank you for your kind hospitability," Maeg told the king. "We've traveled a long way and have been chased by black riders on motorcycles as well as some crazy fangirls."
"Who are those black riders?" LoR asked the Theoden.
"They are the Helm's Angels bike gang and they mean you harm. Flee from them. They are evil," replied the King.
"I didn't like the looks of them even if they had long hair and wore leather," added Idril, "staying away will be no problem if it's up to me."
"Me neither," said IR, "which way do we go now and how to we stay away from those Helm's Angels?"
"I would say that you should go to Minas Tirith, though I can't say which way is best to take to avoid the Angels," suggested Theoden, "I will give you segways to help you get to Minas Tirith in the fastest way possible."
"Thank you again, King," lhaewin said, "you're the best...well ALMOST the best." The swooners mounted their segways and headed towards Minas Tirith. As they rode away the King called out:
Arise now, arise Swooners of Viggo!
Dire deeds awake, his hunkiness is eastwards.
Let Viggo shoes be buckled, pics be gathered!
"Ok," LoR said, "let's go to Dunharrow and meet any other swooners who want to join us. But we can't wait longer than two days, because it is a long journey to Minas Tirith."
IR called out: "Let's muster the fangirls then!"
At Dunharrow they camped and built a provisional Viggo-shrine in a special tent. Solith arranged all the pictures in a most beautiful way. Meli composed a very lovely swooning song and taught it to the others.
While the swooners were busy admiring the Viggo shrine, a pair of excited-looking gals joined them.
"Who are you," asked LoR, "and what are you doing here?"
"We don't share our precious Viggo with just anyone!" Solith told them.
"I am ElvishMaiden," said one, "and this is Scarlet. We seek His Royal Hotness and we heard that he is in Minas Tirith."
"All is well," said Idril.
"Here is some of our own kind from the North. Join us as we seek our treasure," IR said. And thus the company became the Nine Stalkers.
"We'd better get going," Maeg said, "time is running out. Pack up your pics, wallpapers, and put on your Viggo shoes."
Meli burst out in song:
Arise, arise, Stalkers of Viggo!
Fell deeds awake: swooning and drooling!
Heart will be pounding,
Knees will be shaking,
A chase-day, a red day,
Ere the sun rises!
Ride now, ride now!
Ride to Gondor!
They rode down the path in a flurry, with faces set in determination, to see their Kingly One. They kept the furious pace until they reached the city of Minas Tirith. The Stalkers crept quietly down the streets of the city until they reached the 7th level.
"We are getting close," said lhaewin, his royal chamber is not far now."
"You gals stay here. We don't want to attract a crowd," Maeg advised.
"I'm coming with you!" Meli cried. "You can't keep me away!"
"Ok, ok Meli! I'll send for you others later."
Maeg crept up to the door of the chamber, slipped the ring on her finger and vanished into the dark room. Meli waited outside for what seemed like an eternity but Maeg returned shortly with a huge smile on her face.
"Your turn," Maeg said as she took the ring from her pocket and placed it in Meli's hand. Meli slipped the ring on and hurried into the chamber while Maeg went to get some of the other swooners.
Outside the door of the chamber awaited LoR, Solith and lhaewin. Meli stumbled out of the door, fell to the ground and passed the ring to LoR.
"I left some for you," she said.
The swooners each took their turn "visiting" with HRH while wearing Maeg's ring. Soon it was daylight and the stalkers were recuperating down the hall from the kingly chamber. As they chatted and compared notes on each visit, they heard the voice of one HRH speaking to one of his servants.
"I had strange dreams last night," the V-man said. "I didn't get much sleep but I feel wonderful. What's all that drool on my pillow and lipstick doing all over the place?" he questioned.
The swooners laughed quietly. "Now wouldn't you like to know?" asked lhaewin.
Their quest being completed, the Nine Stalkers prepared to head for home.
"It was a great trip," LoR said.
"We'll have to do this again sometime," IR added.
"You know how to get up close and personal with the right people," interjected ElvishMaiden, "I'm glad that we joined you."
"Your skills with wallpaper were appreciated, Scarlet," praised Idril.
"We do make a great team," Meli said, "especially with Maeg's ring."
"Hold on to that," LoR replied, "We just may want to go there and back again!"
The swooners had a group hug before going their separate ways.
Once again Meli sang:
The road goes ever on and on,
Out from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road had gone
let others follow it that can!
Let them a journey new begin,
But I at last with weary feet
Will turn towards the lighted inn,
My evening rest and sleep to meet.
They traveled a short way down the path and again Meli called out:
ll round the corner there may wait,
A new road or a secret gate;
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun,
And back to our Kingly One!