Gilraen: Giver of Hope - Chapter 32
Gilraen sat down on the nursery floor and cried tears of anger. All her tears up until now have been shock and mind numbing grief. Seeing Elrond had caused an anger to rise in her that she was sure was going to choke her. She curled her fist into a ball and screamed out to the nothingness in the dark.
"You stealer of my baby girl. You better never come back here or I will kill you with my bare hands."
The anger in her heart so filled her that she started pounding her fist onto the floor. She felt neither pain nor relief in the act. She sat up and started shaking the cradle that was in arms grasp. She shook it so violently it stated hitting the walls and floor until the cradle shattered into pieces all over the room. Her energy spent she fell back to the floor sobbing so her body shook.
"Why, Eru, Why have you taken her?"
Of course, no answer came leaving her angrier.
"Oh yeah you won't answer and give me a reason for your actions. You expect me to trust you. You expect me to believe everything you do is for my ultimate good. Well I won't believe this time. I tired to see the good or at least work through to the good when you took Arathorn but now you are dead to me. Do you hear me?! Dead!" she screamed those last words into the darkness again.
She lay there for some time and suddenly she remembered that Elrond had said Sermë was missing. In her anger, she had not really listened at all to what Elrond had said. The weight of this realization made her heart heavier than it was already and she was sure that she would die if she could get no help, but no one was around. Raion was out on duty, Estel surely left to find Sermë and Gilraen realized she was alone. The silence fell like a thick blanket around her and through the whole house. The darkness scared her and she felt like the anger was reaching out a long bone hand to hold her down under it. There was only one thing she could do but considering what she had just screamed she did not think it was possible. The darkness seemed to creep closer and she hid her face in the rug of the floor.
Quietly and timidly Gilraen called, "Dear Eru Help me. I can't move or think clearly. I said awful things that I meant but I don't mean. That does not even make sense. My life is a mess. I need your help right now. This silence and blackness scares me. I can't see you, help!"
As the words came pouring out of her she could feel a small pinhole of light fill her heart. This gave her hope and she kept talking.
"Eru please, I can't see my way out of this darkness. I can't be or do anything anymore in my state of mind. To be perfectly honest I can't even trust you, but I need you."
Gilraen heard a swish of wind like someone had pushed aside the darkness in the room. She looked up to find it was still dark but now the menacing feel to it was gone. She felt like a presence had cleared the room and brought with it calm to the room.
"Eru I can't see you but I feel you here. Can you help me?"
A soft and gentle voice filled her head, "I have always been here to help you."
"Why have you taken my girl from me?"
Gilraen could feel the anger start to push through again. "Trust you," she said sarcastically. "How can I trust you when you fill me with misery?"
"Have you always been miserable?"
Gilraen thought about Estel. He was a gift from Eru she knew. Raion had been her first friend in Rivendell and now he was her husband. Sermë was a beautiful girl with whom she had a wonderful relationship. She thought of how fortunate she was to live in Rivendell. Not all humans who loose their husbands are so lucky. Elladan and Elrohir were there for her to help her get to Rivendell, and they were caring friends to her also. Elrond, the name brought up anger but she also knew that the anger was unfounded. He had been wonderful to her and Estel. He was the best father she could ask for Estel. She also knew he would never cause her grief on purpose. She knew he too was a gift from Eru.
"I have been sad for so long though why make it worse?"
"Some of that sadness was of your own doing. I did not cause that sadness. You did not think I knew what was best for you, but I always do. Trust me."
"It hurts so much I think my heart will break."
"It has not. I have held it in my hands for you. Trust me."
"I want her though, here with me."
"Am I supposed to blindly trust you all the time? I don't know if I can."
"If you trust me you can. 'For I know the plans that I have for you. They are plans for good and not disaster to give you a future and a hope.'*
This thought brought a calm to Gilraen. She knew if she truly trusted He would care for everything in her life. But could she trust totally and completely?
"Eru I don't know if I have the ability to fully trust you but I will start with giving you the pain of this moment. I hope this is enough. I know you want more but my heart is so fragile right now."
"Trust me and it will all come. I am always near to those who will call on me."
Gilraen sighed and she felt some strength return to her body. So she got up to light the lamps for her family when they would come home.
* Jeremiah 29: 11 a perfectly comforting verse to me.