Freaky Highdei - Chapter Three - The Secret Knowledge of Fans
Frodo awoke with a throbbing headache. He lay on the floor of the hotel room. Elijah was nowhere to be seen. What had happened? He didn't quite feel the same, but lighter somehow, as though he was carrying a great deal less weight. Instinctively his hand strayed to his sword. But it was gone! Frantically, Frodo looked down at where he grasped. There was nothing there. His garb had changed as well. He wore faded blue jeans and, distant, they seemed, his feet were clad in strange shoes with funny strings coming off them. Slowly, he got up. Immediately his head spun. Why was he so far off the ground? Frodo was terribly afraid of heights, and he did not know what to make of this.
At that moment, he caught his reflection in a glinting vase. Frodo gasped. Gazing back at him from the silver vase was Elijah Wood. Frodo panicked. He felt his nose. In the vase, Elijah felt his nose too. Was he dreaming? He rubbed his eyes. But there was something glassy in his eye. Augh! What was going on?
Just then, he saw the girl Elijah had been talking to on the plane walk in. He looked out the window. It was the grey, misty hours of the morning. He must have been unconscious for a while.
"Elijah?" the girl asked. "Are you alright?"
"Huh?" Frodo said simply. "I'm not Elijah. I'm - " But only then did the truth hit him like a thunderbolt.
He was Elijah Wood.
And Elijah was him, somewhere far away in Middle-earth.
At that precise moment, somewhere far away in Middle-Earth, the real Elijah was taking deep breaths. Lots of them. No matter how many he took, he couldn't calm down.
"Dear me, Frodo," Gandalf was chuckling, "are you quite alright?"
"I am fine, Gandalf," Elijah said. At least this would be kind of okay: he had plenty of practice realistically being Frodo. "My nightmare still lingers."
"Ah, what nightmare?" asked Gandalf, turning around. Elijah could practically see his mind slipping into Story Mode. Oh, great, thought Elijah. I didn't have a nightmare. As if to make matters worse, at that moment Sam stirred. "Ah, is someone telling a story?" he yawned. Then he caught sight of Elijah. "Oh! Let's have it, Mister Frodo!" As Sam made himself comfortable, he bumped Merry, who promptly rolled over into Pippin. Both of them awoke with a yelp. When they saw Elijah standing up, they cried, "Ah, are you telling a story? Without us? Why, we'll be listening!"
Under no pressure, he might have been okay at this sort of thing, but Elijah was cornered. "A mug of ale was chasing me," he blurted out. The hobbits snorted with laughter. Elijah thanked his lucky stars that he was thinking about ale and not Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or the like. His face burned. "Ah... it had... vampiric fangs..." he mumbled, barely aware of what he was saying. "It, um, wanted to suck my ale - um, my blood."
"I s'pose you had ale for blood?" hooted Pippin.
Elijah saw that he was really entertaining them. He was starting to enjoy it. "Yes, that was it!" he cried, pointing at Pippin and sending a new tremor of unstoppable laughter among the hobbits. "But it was green ale, you see." He paused for effect as they continued to laugh. "So, I was running from it - you know, from the ale - when this great chasm rose up before me."
"What did you do?" asked Pippin, enthralled.
"Well, there was a rope hanging nearby, so I swung across the chasm!"
"A rope hanging from the sky?" asked Gandalf, chuckling. "Even that defies all rules of story or dream I have ever known!"
"Of course," Elijah explained quickly, "it was made of licorice."
"What's licorice?" asked Merry.
At that moment a new voice intruded. "You've never heard of licorice?" it said. From behind a pillar stepped a figure.
It was Matt.
"So you're saying," Anna said breathlessly as they walked into the Days Inn where she was staying, "that you came here, broke this pendant and switched places with Elijah?"
"You make it sound like it's all my fault!" exclaimed Frodo. "I would have stayed in Middle-Earth if I'd been given the chance to. And besides, Elijah was the one who actually snatched the pendant."
Anna sighed. "Well, anyway," she said, "we've got to get to the bottom of this. But until then, you are going to need to pretend to be Elijah Wood as best you can."
"And how do you expect me to do that?" Frodo demanded. "I know nothing about the guy. This isn't even my world."
"Well," said Anna, "I know virtually nothing about him as well. But, I know how to find out."
"Really?" asked Frodo. "How?"
"There's a place in our world," Anna explained, "where you can learn anything you need to know."
"Really?" asked Frodo, thrilled. "Is it near here?"
Anna sighed. "No, no, no," she said, wracking her brains for a way to explain it to one who came from a distant world. "It's more of a... method, really... a giant book with a thousand, thousand pages, that can tell you anything. It doesn't look like a book, and everyone in the world can read it at the same time, or write a page of it, if they know how."
Frodo was befuddled. "What in the name of Elbereth...?" he asked.
"It's called the Internet," Anna explained. "See, I'll show you." Luckily, there was an Internet-rental thingee in the lobby. She paid the machine a quarter and started to click and whirr.
"Close your ears," said Anna, doing so.
"Wha - " But Frodo was cut off as the computer buzzed and bleeped horribly. Frodo cried out, plugging his ears. Anna winced at every bleep and buzz. At last they were connected. Frodo dared to open his eyes. "What was that?" he exclaimed, watching cautiously as Anna surfed through the Google search results with the eye of an expert.
"We were opening the book," Anna said to simplify it, clicking on a search result. "Here, see, look at this." She had gotten to a list about Elijah. At the top was a big picture of his face with a mysterious/attractive look on his face ("It must be the work of lovestruck girls") and below it was a long bulleted list in what Anna called `the email font'. She didn't say it out loud, though, not wanting to explain to Frodo what an email was.
Anna read them aloud. "Birth name was Elijah Jordan Wood. Yeah, like someone's gonna quiz you on your middle name. Plays guitar."
"What's a guitar?" Frodo interrupted. Anna groaned. "Okay, you're gonna have to just get out of playing the guitar if anyone asks. Let's see... likes Batman... hates Godzilla..."
"I have never heard of either of those things," protested Frodo.
"Well, you'll at least be able to verify how much you like Batman or Godzilla. Just remember the names in case somebody asks." Frodo nodded, even though he was utterly lost.
"Okay, let's continue. First onscreen kiss was in Flipper, but it was later cut out. Hey! I didn't know that!" said Anna.
"At least I know what a flipper is," Frodo said triumphantly. "But... how can you be inside one?"
Anna let out a pitiful moan. "Uhm, let's just go on," she said. "Okay... his big toe is 2.4 cm around. Oh my god!!" she exclaimed. "How do they know these things? I don't even know the diameter of my toe!!" She stood, staring open-mouthed at the computer.
At that moment, the elevator doors opened with a ping. A group of gossiping girls dressed in various shades of pink and blue, but never both (`It doesn't, like, go'), came out of the elevator, giggling and talking in squeaky voices. Suddenly one of them stopped dead and pointed, her eyes wide. "Like, ohmigod!! It's Elijah Wood!" For a second all was still. Anna looked at Frodo, terrified. "Run," she said simply.
Now, there was something Frodo could do. In a flash the two were off their chairs and sprinting away through the hotel. The fangirls let out a chorus of shrieks, and the rumble of thundering feet let them know that they were being pursued. The two blew past a Spanish waiter into the restaurant. "No, no, no! No run!" he cried after them, then turned back around and cried out as he was toppled over by the stampede of fangirls. In the corner of the room, Anna spotted an elevator. "Come on!" she yelled. They ran towards the elevator, the fangirls screaming and whooping (`with the thrill of the chase,' thought Frodo, horrified by the ferocity of these monsters) behind them. Luckily, the elevator was just opening. A man in a tie had just stepped out when he cried out as Anna and Frodo dove past him. Panting, Anna pressed the 4 button, then door close. The doors slid shut, agonizingly slowly, as the girls grew nearer and nearer. The door finally closed just as the girl in the lead dived at them. There was a muffled whump, then a girly voice complained, "Eh, like, how rude is that?" Anna couldn't help but giggle.
Finally they reached Floor Four and headed to Elijah's room. The key was in Frodo's pocket, and they walked in.
The first thing that caught Frodo's eye was a schedule lying on the bed. He looked at it. Anna joined him. It read:
8:00 - Dentist
10:30 - greet Mom & Dad
1:15 - Lunch w/ guys
3:45 - Premiere Talk
5:00 - FOTR Premiere.
Anna nearly screamed. She growled under her breath. Her face went white.
"Are you okay?" asked Frodo.
"Of ALL DAYS!" she raged. "Of all times for this to happen!"
"What?" said Frodo, confused.
"Don't you get it? Today is the world premiere of the Fellowship of the Ring!"
"The Fellowship?" asked Frodo anxiously. "Are they here?"
Anna groaned. "Aargh!" she said, flopping down on the bed.
"What's a dentist?" asked Frodo, trying to distract her.
"Aaargh!" Anna repeated passionately.
Deciding that he would learn little from her now, Frodo distracted himself with a newspaper. One article caught his eye.
I am the mother of two children - Ben and Lacy, 6 and 13. One likes eggo waffles and one hates them. I mean, Ben will eat nothing else. If I give him anything else, he is in tears all morning. But Lacy will not eat them no matter what. She detests the things. Well, seeing as my husband has the same thing with pancakes, I cannot make them both breakfast. But no matter what I make, one is miserable. Help!
Leggo my Eggo.
I think you should make one Eggo waffles, and one toast. How? Put them both in the toaster. Or make waffles and cinnamon toast, cooking them both in the oven. Or, perhaps if you put eggo in your recipes, they would both eat it.
This was perfect! A girl that answered your problems! Frodo scanned the room for paper.
* * *TO BE CONTINUED...* * *
Author's Note: Long enough for you? Good. This is pointless, I just need an author's note. And in the tradition of Frolijah, I need to say this: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Oh,
I've always wanted to do that...!)