An Aussie in the Ice Cream Parlour - For our dear LadyCoralie, and all those out there who love Aussie!

An Aussie in the Ice Cream Parlour
For our dear LadyCoralie, and all those out there who love Aussie.


Note: this is a bit of a spoof of the Veggie Tales "The End of Silliness" but I thought it was perfect, and can work here just as well!

~ A "Large Notion" production. ~
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Opening song: to the tune of "Botany Bay."
original: http://www.rolfharrissongs.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/botany_bay.htm

Goodbye to old Aussie forever
Goodbye to you flamers as well
And goodbye to you well-used false ratings
Where I always did so very swell.

Singing Tooral liooral liay
Singing Tooral liooral liorner
Singing Tooral liooral liay
And I'll see you in Coralie's Corner.

Now my crime against the old Reading Room
Was to write well a story one day
T'was a flamer or t'was deletion,
So I tossed a coin, and sent it away.

Singing Tooral liooral liay
Singing Tooral liooral liorner
Singing Tooral liooral liay
And I'll see you in Coralie's Corner.

Now there's Aussie and she's my main character
(Well, that stands to reason, doesn't it?)
There's the Fellowship and Ringbearer too,
There's dear Legolas and Gimli and Aragorn,
Only know what we poor Aussies go through.

Singing Tooral liooral liay
Singing Tooral liooral liorner
Singing Tooral liooral liay
And I'll see you in Coralie's Corner.

Now take warning you readers and commenters
Pay close attention if you're a suborner,
Just make sure it's your right what you wantta rate
Or you'll join me in Coralie's Corner.

Singing Tooral liooral liay
Singing Tooral liooral liorner
Singing Tooral liooral liay
And I'll see you in Coralie's Corner.

-------------------------------------------
It is late at night, and Coralie is sitting in an ice-cream parlour all alone. She is slumped over the table mournfully, which is completely littered with all sorts of empty dishes. But Coralie doesn't care. Tonight she has eaten more than in the previous two days - without being hungry for a bit of it. It doesn't really matter. Nothing does. An Aussie in King Aragorn's Court is done, finished. Even worse, some flamer falsely accused her of cheating.

The two waitresses at the counter look at each other sadly. What is wrong with Coralie? Finally, the two of them go over to talk to her. "Uh, Coralie?" says Nienna. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Coralie answers dejectedly. "I'm okay."

"Well, can I get you something," says Lily, a bright smile on her face. "A push up?" Coralie shakes her head. Lily tries again. "A waffle cone?" Coralie shakes her head again. "A cup full of sprinkles?"

"No."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Nienna asks, sympathetically.

"You can tell us, you know," Lily adds.

Coralie looks up mournfully. "G-7," she motions to the Jukebox in the corner.

"Huh?" Lily asks.

"G-7." Nienna shrugs, walks over to the Jukebox, and punches two ebony buttons - G-7. A song starts. It is, strangely enough, to the tune of the "Song of the Cebú." A slide show is going with the song, and the Coralie in the clip is explaining it as she goes along.

~

Coralie: Aussie! This is a song about a girl . . . a song about a young woman and her story . . . a song about a young woman and her series of stories . . . the Lady who had a good story, a great story, and an Aussie story.

Um . . . um . . . this is me in Australia. This is me tackling a crocodile.

Readers: Ohh!

Coralie: This is me and the crocodile.

Readers: Ahh!

Coralie: This is me and the crocodile's cousin. She's an Aussie!

Flamer: Hold it! You call this a story? It's a piece of random humour! It makes no sense - what do crocodiles have to do with anything? And what on Middle-earth is an Aussie, anyway?

Coralie: Um, it's a person from Australia.

Flamer: Yes. Well, very good. This could be interesting. Carry on!

Coralie: Aussie! Sing it with me! Aussie!

Readers: Aussie!

Coralie: Aussie goes to Middle-earth.

Readers: Aussie goes to Middle Earth.

Coralie: Meets a man, an elf, a dwarf.

Readers: Meets a man, an elf, a dwarf.

Coralie: She goes with the Fellowship, goes walking, goes walking goes walking, walking walking, walking walking walk-walking.

Readers: She goes with the Fellowship, goes walking, goes walking goes walking, walking walking, walking walking walk-walking.

Coralie: Does some really funny stuff.

Readers: Does some really funny stuff.

Coralie: then gets captured by a flood . . . um, um . . . Uh-oh. I can't find the next slide.

Flamer: Wait! What happens next?

Coralie: Um . . .

Flamer: Does she die? Does something happen to her? Why isn't this as funny? Are you messing with your story? Why is it still on top? Why do you have so many ratings? I don't have that many!

Coralie: Oh look! There's me and the crocodile again!

Flamer: You know, you can't just start something and not finish it! Why aren't you perfect? Why isn't everything in order? Why haven't you fixed your computer? Why are you doing this?

Coralie: Oh, look, an Aussie!

Readers: Aussie!

Coralie: No, wait - that's an orc.

Readers: No more story about Aussie! Need another part or three! Audience is standing and leaving, goodbye Aussie, goodbye Aussie, goodbye Aussie, goodbye Aussie, goodbye.

Reader 1: I want my comment back!

Reader 2: Yeah, that'd be . . . that'd be good.

~

Lily laughs, "Wow! that's great!"

"What, you think that was funny?" Coralie shoots back.

"Well, yeah!" Nienna exclaims; then, notices the look on Coralie's face: "I mean, no, that's terrible!"

"It must really hurt," Lily adds, "having commenters walk out like that."

Tears well up in Coralie's eyes. "It wasn't even my fault! Somehow updating the Reading Room messed it up!"

"I have something to cheer you up!" says Lily. She walks up next to Nienna and the Jukebox. "Here are some of my favorite songs!"

"Great," Nienna answers. "I'm going to take a short trip to Middle-earth. Be back soon!" She leaves, and Lily is left to turn on the Jukebox alone. She hits a switch, and music blares out, along with a moving picture.

~

To the tune of "Tie me Kangaroo Down, Sport" (abridged.)
original: http://www.rolfharrissongs.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/tie_me_kanga.htm

(There's a young Australian writer lying, crying,
And she gets herself up onto one elbow,
And she turns to her readers,
Who are gathered `round her and she says:
)

Watch me hobbitses feed mate
Watch me hobbitses feed
They're a ravenous breed mate
So watch me hobbitses feed
Altogether now!

Tie me Coralie down sport
Tie me Coralie down.
Tie me Coralie down sport
Tie me Coralie down.

Keep me Legolas near, dear
Keep me Legolas near.
Don't go an' take him away, dear
Just keep me Legolas near.
Altogether now!

Tie me Coralie down sport
Tie me Coralie down.
Tie me Coralie down sport
Tie me Coralie down.

And take me Galah-bird home, Pip
Take me Galah-bird home.
He lives somewhere out in wild, child
So take me Galah-bird home.
Altogether now!

Tie me Coralie down sport
Tie me Coralie down.
Tie me Coralie down sport
Tie me Coralie down.

Remember my tales when I fall, all
Remember my tales when I fall.
So we propped her up and made her write, right?
Don't away from me crawl, all
Remember my tales when I fall.
Altogether now!

Tie me Coralie down sport
Tie me Coralie down.
Tie me Coralie down sport
Tie me Coralie down.

~
( "The Thankfulness Song" from the Veggie Tales production of "Madame Blueberry")
Found at: http://www.ultimateveggie.com/lyrics/lyrics10.html#3

I thank God for this day,
For the sun in the sky,
For my mom and my dad,
For my piece of apple pie!
For our home on the ground
For His love that's all around
That's why I say thanks everyday!

Because a thankful heart is a happy heart!
I'm glad for what I have,
That's an easy way to start!
For the love that He shares,
'Cuz He listens to my prayers,
That's why I say thanks everyday!

~

"I guess I should be thankful for the time when I did have my Aussie stories," moans Coralie melancholily. She bends her head down almost to touching the cluttered table, looking absolutely miserable, completely heedless of Lily's comforting hand on her shoulder.

"I know it feels bad," says Lily, not laughing anymore. "Maybe that was the wrong song to play. I know some more!! Don't worry - wait `till you hear these!" She strolls back over the jukebox. "This should make you feel better!"

At that moment, a strange figure in a beige trenchcoat comes in the ice-cream parlour. She sits up at the counter and plops a brown briefcase on it. Coralie ignores her, but Lily calls out: "I'll be there in just a minute!" She pushes another button on the jukebox.

~

(To the tune of "The Court of King Caractacus." - many of the words are from the song, also!)
original: http://www.rolfharrissongs.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/court_of_king_caractacus.htm

Now the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by

Now the noses on the faces of the Aussies of the stories
of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the noses on the faces of the Aussies of the stories
of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the noses on the faces of the Aussies of the stories
of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the noses on the faces of the Aussies of the stories
of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by

Now the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces
of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces
of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces
of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by

Now the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches
In the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses of the faces
Of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches
In the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses of the faces
Of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches
In the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses of the faces
Of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by
Now the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches
In the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses of the faces
Of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei
Were just passing by

Now if you want to take some pictures of the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches
In the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses of the faces
Of the Aussies of the stories of the court of King Aragornei,
You're too late! Too late!
Because they've just . . . passed . . . by!

~

Narrator: "Coralie will now be performing the traditional Argentinian ballad, 'The Dance of the Australian,' in it's original Yorkshire. Lily Took will translate."

Coralie: "Supwithee"

Lily: "What is wrong with you?"

Coralie: "Smarrerweeim"

Lily: "What is wrong with him?"

Coralie: "Loike muck off t'midden"

Lily: "Like dirt from a rubbish heap"

Coralie: "They're i't gate."

Lily: "They're in the way."

Coralie: "Summatsupeer"

Lily: "Something is wrong here."

Coralie: "Lerrus gurrat pixchers?"

Lily: "Why don't we go to the cinema?"

Coralie: "I'st get some brass."
Lily: "I must get some money"

Coralie: "Lerme gerontbus ferayfe."

Lily: "Let me ride on the bus at a reduced rate."

Coralie: "Sike a viewly Aussie"

Lily: "Such an attractive Aussie"

Coralie: "Allus skimm'ring"

Lily: "Always shining"

Coralie: "With `er grand tales "

Lily: "With her wonderful stories"

Coralie: "Look a' th' American."

Lily: "Look at the American"

Coralie: "Gotherly bu' a fowt.."

Lily: "Affable but a fool . . .what?."

Coralie: "Dust ta think th' sackless cushia can unnerstand wha' I'm sayin'?"

Lily: "Do you think the simple-minded cow-parsnip can understand what . . .of course I can understand what you're saying! Come back here or I'll . . .I'll . . .have your guts for garters! Ha! Why are you speaking Yorkshire anyway when you're Australian? Simple-minded cow-parsnip . . .seriously!"


~

"I know what's really wrong," proclaims the stranger suddenly, rising. "Perhaps this will explain it!" Shooting a glare at Coralie she pushes Lily aside and stabs two buttons. Coralie glances up through her tears-it's the Flamer! But that would mean the next thing to play would be . . .

"Noooooooooooooo!!" She cries, but it is too late. It has begun.

~

The clipped English accent rolled in: "And now it's time for `An Aussie in King Aragorn's Court' with Coralie, the part of the Reading Room about an Australian in Middle Earth." The voice fades, and Coralie is seen seated at a desk, typing happily. Winking at the camera, she reaches to click the "Submit My Story" button.

"Hold it!" The Flamer charges in. "Stop! Ahem. I have an announcement to make. Due to the unfair position of Coralie's story in the Reading Room and the high standards of fairness and good story selection we try to adhere to, after the last disastrous attempt by Lady Coralie we've decided to post compositions by other authors. Auditions for better pieces have been held, and this one was selected for its universal appeal and unlikelihood of ever getting on the Highest Rated list."

"So what are you saying?" Somehow Coralie feared she already knew.

"I'm saying `An Aussie in King Aragorn's Court' has been canceled until further notice." With a last impervious glance at her shock the Flamer marched off.

"Oh, yeah? Well then how am I supposed to discover who the old man is?" She challenged.

"I'm sure you'll figure something out." The Flamer didn't even stop leaving to face her properly. Or perhaps she did. Coralie couldn't really see anything but the new set being shoved in front of her, obscuring her from the world. Still the narrator's tone came through, but this time his message had changed:

"And now it's time for `An American in Gollum's Cave', with Lily Took, the part of the Reading Room where an American finds herself in Gollum's Cave."

----

Mary Ann Sluff was bored. Chomping on her ketchup-flavored gum once again and fiddling with her baseball cap her gaze meandered around the cave. It was dark. And wet. An occasional hiss slithered through the air. She must have been here for hours, but there wasn't really anything to do besides sit. Who wanted to explore a slimy old cave? Oh, wait! What about the poetry book she always carried around? Mary Ann usually hated poetry, but this was good stuff. Letting the dim light shine off her hair and onto the pages, she began to read aloud:

She was beautiful-swept off by a kiss
But e'en in bliss she was dutiful,
So she brushed her hair and put on red lipstick - you know, not the ugly bright stuff that looks like a tomato gone wrong but the smooth, alluring color that looks natural only better - though she needed no trick to emphasize her flair.
Then Prince Charming took her off to the mall - they had a ball.

"How romantic," Mary Ann sighed, patting her own luxuriant golden strands and adjusting her football jersey. She liked red lipstick too. Struck by inspiration, she dug into her pack and slipped a tube out, applying it with gentle care. Then smiling, she moved down to the next poem:

Horror and detest
Abomination in all
The colossal bug

How horrible!

"Yessss, precioussss, we likesss the bugssess too, don't we precioussss? Not as good asss fissshesss, though." The smooth hiss snuck up on her.

"Yo! Who's there?" No fear crept into Mary Ann's mind. Sure, the voice was sort of weird and hissy, but compared to some of the guys in her school . . .

"Jussst usss, preciousss. Who'sss there, precioussss? Doesss it have nice fisshesss?"

"Fish are so totally gross." Seriously, what kind of person liked fish?

Two gleaming eyes blinked into her vision as the creature approached, slinking around like a spider who'd seen too many James Bond movies. He was actually pretty cute, if he'd stop talking to himself.

"Nice, ssshe ssseemsss, preciousss. Nice to eat? No . . .maybe we talksss to her a little while. What hasss ssshe got in her pocketses?"

"In my pockets? Oh, my driver's license, about $5, couple tins of lip-gloss . . .nothing much. But want to see what's in my pack? You can see my entire high-heel collection!"

This has been "An American in Gollum's Cave," by Lily Took. Tune in next time to watch Gollum learn how to dance the Hokey-Pokey. "We putssss our right hand in, precioussss, we pullsss our right hand out . . ."

~

"That's horrible! You should be ashamed!" Lily is furious, and the Flamer cringes beneath her anger.

"Well, yes," she answers. "But see, I got all these letters - " the Flamer opens the briefcase she had carried in; it's filled with papers. "Petitions, from fans! It seems they want you on after all. And, also, that I seem to have been presuming things and have made a mistake. You can go back on!"

Coralie stares at the papers, dumbfounded. At that moment, Nienna returns with - Legolas? "Hello, Coralie," he says, lifting her to her feet.

(Roll Credits.)

~
Petitioner's Song:

I must have it
I must get it
You must go and write it for me
If you want me to be happy
Then you'll show me you adore me
Don't rest another minute
'Til it's sitting here before me
If you want to do your best
I would suggest you go and write me that story!

But what about all those other stories? They're wonderful too!

Yes, but some are just Nienna's stories. Those were yesterday's. Aussie's are today's stories.

We don't like these
We don't need these
We don't want these any longer
Our affection for Gollum stories
Isn't getting any stronger
Don't say we can't have what we want
You couldn't be more wronger
Don't ask me to explain because we'll be in pain
Go and write the story

Um, it's more wrong.

Signatures: (so far)

Nienna__Telrunya
Lily_Took
Lysine
Chicklingss
shieldmaidenofrohan
PrincessofNúmenor
Muriel_Sol
Lady_Elven_Fury
Elf-maiden
MerrynPippin
Artanis_Tamriel
dragonfly123
Kalili
hotelfchick
Ainariel
Gil-Estel
Smantie_Elf


: Notes: You can find links to the original songs in Aussie - part 22, which is in the highest 10 list. As for the Veggie Tales, I imagine the movies are easy (and cheap) to find in most places.

This was co-written by Lily_Took, and I would like to thank her here! Along with RF, who helped me with the petition song, and all those who e-mailed me concerning it!

I did actually get a note from the "Flamer." It seems she felt so guilty, she wanted to notify y'all. Coralie can contact her for verification, but otherwise the "Flamer" wishes to remain anonymous. While the letter to me - she found I was writing something. Seems announcing those things does help - wasn't exactly how I demonstrated it here, it was close enough. Thank you!

IF YOU WANT TO ADD YOUR NAME IN THE "SIGNATURES" JUST SUBMIT A COMMENT SAYING YOU SUPPORT CORALIE!!

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