We Don't Know Anything

(Bag End kitchen garden,Merry
and Pippin enter in a creeping
fashion, heading for small window)

Merry: Come on Pip!

Pippin: (grunts) Coming! (suddenly
trips and falls on face) Oof!

Merry: Shhh!

Pippin: (looks around him, surprised)
Where are the mushrooms?

Merry: What mushrooms?

Pippin: What mushrooms! Frodo's
mushrooms!

Merry: He doesn't have any.

Pippin: (opens mouth as wide as possible)
No mushrooms! (stands up and puts
hands on hips) Do you mean to
tell me that in all of his gardens,
Frodo hasn't got one tiny little
mushroom? YOu're pulling my leg!

(Merry reaches over and pulls Pippin's leg,
pulling him down)

Pippin: Oof! What did you do that for?

Merry: Be quiet you blockhead!
Do you want to let them know
we're here?

Pippin: No!

Merry: Then keep quiet!

Pippin: Yep, yep, keep quiet. That's
what I'm doing. I won't let them
know we're here, no.

Merry: Shhh!

Pippin: Oh, right, shhh!

(Merry begins to stand up slowly to
look in window, gets his eyes almost
to the ledge. Just then Pippin grabs
his leg and screams, Merry jumps and lands on his stomach on top of Pippin)

Merry: Pippin!

Pippin: Merry!

(they unscramble themselves,MErry wriggling off Pippin and onto his stomach facing him, Pippin wriggling backwards. Their heads are facing each other)

Merry: What in the Shire- Pippin, what's the matter with you?

Pippin: Merry, it's there, I saw it, when you were up there, it was down here, it was scary, I screamed (screams!

Merry: (claps hand over Pippin's mouth) What? YOu saw what?

Pippin: A mushroom!

MErry: What?

Pippin: Look, right there! A tiny
little mushroom!

Merry: (sits up and puts hands on hips)
That's what you saw? YOu screamed because you saw a mushroom? Pippin-

Pippin: OH, no! (sits up and grabs
Merry's jacket lapels) I saw (gulps) a black shape!

Merry: Pippin-

Pippin: It was moving! Over there! (points)
It was listening at a window! Merry, it was listening to Frodo and Gandalf inside there!

Mery: (looks behind him to where Pippin was pointing) In Frodo's yard? (looks at Pippin) Rude!
(looks back behind him) Spying nad looking in windows? (looks at Pippin) What kind of a- Pip, (sets lips grimly) I'm gonna get him! And you're coming with me!

Pippin: Right!

(Merry and Pippin crouch down side by side and begin creeping towards the other side of the stage)

Merry: NObody, not nobody is going
to spy on Frodo!

Pippin: But Merry, we were going to spy on Frodo!

Merry: Shhh! But we're us, Pippin! ANd that, that black shape over there, it's rude! Rude to spy on Frodo, in Frodo's own yard, in my own spying territory! Rude! And I'm gonna-

(Sam suddenly pops his nose out so that he is nose to nose with Merry and Pippin. He is creeping on his stomach too. Merry yells, Pippin screams, they both jump back and fall over each other,start crawling frantically back with Sam following right behind them)

Mery: (suddenly stops) Hey-

(Pippin, who was crawling right behind Merry, tries to crawl frantically over him, Sam rushes in abnd bangs their buts with his head, they yelp and topple over backwards on top of Sam. They unscramble themselves and all kneel facing each other, Merry and Pippin on one side, Sam on the other)

Merry: (at the same time as Pippin) Hey, Sam!

Pippin: Sam!

Merry: What are you doing here?

Sam: I might ask the same thing.

Merry: You might, and if you do, you'll regret it. So-

Pippin: So don't ask him.

Sam: Listen here, I don't mean to be
misrespectful, but if you're here after Mr. Frodo's mushrooms-

Pippin: Mushroom.

Merry: We're not.

Pippin: How could you think that of us?

Sam: Well... What are you here for then?

Pippin: We're here to spy-

(Merry digs his elbow into Pippin's stomach)

Pippin: oof! What was that for?

(Merry glares at Pippin, Pippin looks confusedly at Sam, suddenly realizes)

Pippin: Oh! (out of the side of his mouth)
YOu should have told me. We're here to trim the verge, Sam.

Sam: What! My excuse!

Pippin: Your excuse!

Merry: Dumb excuse, if you ask me.

Pippin and Sam: Dumb!

Merry: very dumb. Idiotic, in fact.
Why would he trim the verge? He doesn't even trim his hair.

Pippin: I do too!

Merry: Then why is it so long?

Pippin: YOu interrupted. I do too trim my hair.

Merry: Prove it!

Pippin: Well, I cut one yesterday.

(MErry whistles)

SAm: Shhh!

Merrry: Shhh!

(Pippin covers his mouth hastily)

Sam: Don't be hasty, Pippin.

Merry: Hasty! Now listen here Sam, our friends are in there-

Sam: Beggin' your pardon, Mr. Merry, but he's my fmaster. And friend, so if you don't mind-

MErry: I do.

Pippin: You do what?

Sam: NOthing.

Merry: I do indeed!

Pippin: You do?

Sam: NO he don't.

Pippin: Doesn't.

Merry: Do!

Sam: shhh!

Pippin: Shhh!

Merry: Don't shh me, Pippin, or so help me, I'll-

Pippin: (raises hands in the air)
I was just trimming the verge!

Sam: It's come!

Merry: What?

Pippin: It's come.

Merry: Pippin!

Pippin: What?

Merry: Don't help him!

Pippin: I wasn't! It has come.

Merry: What?

Sam: An excuse.

Merry: What kind of excuse?

Sam: Oh, a very good one, I"m sure.

Merry: Oh, really? Let's hear it then.

Sam: (looks innocently up at the air)
Mr. Frodo, I was just-

(Frodo opens window)

Frodo: Spying on me?

Sam: Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: You were! You were all spying on me!!

Merry: NOw Frodo-

Frodo: No you weren't!

Pippin: We weren't?

Sam: (stands up) Mr. Frodo, you're right.

Frodo: I accuse you!

Sam: (drops to ground clutching his heart)
Mr. Frodo! You can't mean that!

Pippin: No, Frodo, we were just, having a, seting up-

Merry: Now you've done it.

Pippin: What?

Merry: YOu've gone and told him
about the surprise birthday party!

Sam: (catches on) Why Pippin!
You've told him!

Merry: I can't believe it!

Frodo: Surprise birthday party?

Pippin: (catches on) Oh! (out of side of his mouth) You should have told me! (clears throat, clutches heart and throws himself face down on the ground)
Oh, shame!

Frodo: Half a minute! YOu were planning a surprise birthday party for me?

Merry: No, for Bilbo.

Pippin: (throws head back and wails) Shame!

Frodo: Bilbo?

Pippin: (writhes on the ground) Oh, the shame of it! I told! I told him, I told him, I told him!

Sam: We were planning a surprise party for you too, Mr. Frodo.

Merry: (looks at Sam, then back at Frodo) Yeah.

Frodo: Why, I'm speechless. And I"m gratified.

Pippin: What's that?

Sam: He's sad he interrupted us-

Merry: And now he's going to go back inside-

SAm: So's we can keep planning his party-

Merry: And he's going to keep on taking about whatever it was he was talking about with Gandalf-

Sam: You see, we don't know what you were talking about, Mr. Frodo!

Merry: Exactly!

(Frodo smiles, goes inside and shuts the window)

Merry: Yes, we haven't the FAINTEST idea what Frodo's talking about because we never got to hear anything because SOMEBODY was making horrendous loud noises and screaming about black shapes in the garden!

Pippin: It wasn't a black shape, was it?

MErry: No, it was Sam!

Sam: It's come!

Pippin: Again?

Merry: Excuse for what?

Sam: Excuse for nothing.

Merry: What?

Pippin: Oh, I don't understand.

Sam: There's no excuse-

Pippin: OH, I disagree!

Merry: My firm belief is that there's always, ALWAYS an excuse for absolutely everything. Everybody say aye.

SAm and Pippin: Aye.

Merry: Motion carried. Point proved.
Court rules that no more saying
there is no excuse is to be allowed.
Ever. The end. (raps window with hand) Next case.

(Frodo opens window)

frodo: Did you want something?

Merry: No! Go back inside!

(Merry pushes Frodo's head inside the window. Frodo pushes it back out)

Frodo: Oh, now, this is really too much-

(Merry pushes Frodo's head inside and shuts the window)

Frodo: (from inside) I'm gonna tell on you!

Merry: OH, yeah?

Frodo: yeah, to Gandalf!

MErry: Aw, pff! (waves hand
unconcernedly at window) Now Sam, what's come this time?

Sam: You pushed Mr. Frodo!

Pippin: Sam, Merry asked you a question.

Merry: Thank you, Pippin. Thank you ver much.

Sam: Well, it's a problem.

Merry: Pippin's a problem?

Pippin: I!

MErry: Pippin's not a problem!

Pippin: I repeat, I!

(Merry and Pippin jump on Sam)

Sam: No, no, mercy!

MErry: No mercy!

Pippin: I!

Sam: No, no, not you!

Pippin: NOt who?

Sam: You, you!

Pippin: I?

Sam: YOu are not a problem!

Pippin: I think we should give Sam some mercy, Merry.

MErry: Well-

Pippin: YOu did say that I am not a bproblem, didn't you?

Sam: Yes, yes I did!

Pippin: VEry well. MErcy, Merry.

Sam: Mercy, Merry, please!

(MErry and Pippin let Sam up)

Merry: I am merciful. Very. I have mercy. I give mercy. I gave you mErcy, Sam.

Pippin: (out of the side of his mouth) Say yes, Sam.

Sam: Yes!

MErry: Yes. Pippin?

Pippin: Yes!

Merry: Yes. You see, the whole world sayss yes. I am merciful!

Pippin: OH, great merciful Merry!

(Gandalf opens window)

Gandalf: What's this?

Frodo: (points at Merry) Him, Gandalf! I accuse him!

Pippin: He accuses him!

Sam: Mr. Frodo accuses him!

MErry: Me? Oh, I did not!

Gandalf: Did not what?

Merry: (points at Frodo) He did it! I accuse him!

Frodo: IMpertinent!

Pippin: What's impertinent?

Sam: Merry.

Pippin: Merry?

Sam: Mr. Frodo said so. Mr. Frodo is always right. Nice master!

Pippin: OH, Sam!

Merry: Sam!

Gandalf: Samwise Gamgee!

Sam: Oh, oh, I was just trimming the verge!

Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge, don't yo think? Speak!

Sam: why, Mr. Gandalf, sir, thats what Mery said.

Gandalf: what?

Merry: So I did.

Pippin: He did you know.

Sam: Exactly!

Merry: So there!

Pippin: Well, Merry, you said it!

Sam: I always knew he said it!

Frodo: Said what? Why don't I get to know what he said?

Pippin: Dumb!

Merry: Idiotic!

Frodo: What! Impertinent!

Sam: He said it.

Frodo: I know, I just heard him say it.

Sam: No you didn't.

Frodo: What! IMpertinent.

Pippin: YOu were wrong, Sam.

SAm: I was wrong?

Pippin: YOu said Merry was impertinent. Well, he said you are impertinent.

Sam: He didn't!

Pippin: He did!

GAndalf: Did you say Frodo was dumb and idiotic, Merry?

Sam: He didn't!

Pippin: He did!

Merry: I did!

Sam: He didn't!

Pippin: He did!

Gandalf: You did!

Frodo: YOu did!

Sam: He didn't!

Pippin: He did!

MErry: NO, I said it about something else.

SAm: YOu did?

Frodo: NO he didn't.

Gandalf: He said he did.

Merry: I did!

Pippin: NOw, Merry, you should always say what you mean and mean what you say.

MErry: I do!

Pippin: But you didn't.

Sam: I think he did.

Frodo: I swear he didn't!

Gandalf: I believe he did.

Pippin: I say he didn't!

MErry: Well, anyway, it doesn't really matter that much.

Sam: Yes it does!

Frodo: it matters immensely!

Pippin: What's immensely?

Sam: Don't you think it matters, Pippin?

Pippin: I don't know.

Gandalf: You don't know what?

Pippin: I don't know.

Sam: YOu see, he don't know.

MErry: He don't know, I don't know, we all don't know.

Gandalf: What?

Merry: Don't know what, Pippin?

Pippin: Don't know what, Sam?

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: I refuse to answer.

Gandalf: (points his staff at them) YOu don't know what? Speak!

Sam: OH! Don't turn us into anything unnatural!

Pippin: OH, mercy! I'm a good boy, I am!

Merry: We uh, we uh, we don't know-

Pippin: Anything.

Sam: Oh, come now, we know something.

Pippin: Shhh! YOu'll give it away!

Merry: Anything! Yes, of course, I knew it all along. We don't know anything, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Very well (unpoints his staff)

Pippin: Frodo, ring, black riders, nothing. We don't know nothing.

Gandalf: what?

Frodo: I beg pardon?

Merry and Sam: Pippin!

Pippin: Not nothing, I mean anything! We don't know anything!

(Sam, Merry and Pippin smile
convincingly at Frodo and Gandalf)

THE END


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