The Lord of the Socks: The Fellowship of the Sock - So Long, Bilbo

Bilbo: ("Invisibly" opens gate and goes up steps, reappears cackling inside Bag End)

Gandalf: (showing up out of nowhere) I suppose you think that was terribly clever...

Bilbo: (not at all surprised) Come on, Gandalf, did you see their faces!

Gandalf: There are many magic socks in this world, Bilbo Baggins, and NONE of them should be used lightly.

Bilbo: But it barely weighs an ounce, Gandalf! It was just a bit of fun. Oh you're probably right, as usual. You will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you?

Gandalf: Two eyes, as often as I can spare them... Three, if I can find one more.

Bilbo: I'm leaving all my stuff to him.

Gandalf: What about this sock of yours, is that staying too?

Bilbo: Yes, yes, it's in an envelope over there on the harpsichord.
No, wait... it's here in my pocket...Isn't that, isn't that skooky...After all, why not, why shouldn't I keep it... IT'S MINE!

Gandalf: Um, I think you'd better leave the Sock behind, Bilbo.Is that so hard?

Bilbo: Well, YES! Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it. It's minnnne, I found it, it came to me!

Gandalf: There's no need to get angry...

Bilbo: Well, if I'm angry, it's your fault! It's mine, my own, my precioussssssss!

Gandalf: Precious? It's been called by you, but not before... Wait, hang on...that made NO sense...

Bilbo: AIIEEE!! What business is it of yourswhat I do with my own things?

Gandalf: I think you have had that Sock quite long enough.

Bilbo: You want it for yourself!

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins!!!
Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!!
(the room darkens to a weird purpley color) I am NOT trying to rob you...I'm trying to help you. I wouldn't want that thing in a billion years.

Bilbo: (He whimpers, sniffs, and hugs Gandalf. Apparently it runs in the family)

Gandalf: All your long, long, long years, we've been friends. Trust me, okay? Let it go...

Bilbo: You're right Gandalf... The Sock must go to Frodo.It's late, the road is long. Yes, it is time...
By the way, that's not funny.

Gandalf: Bilbo...

Bilbo: Hmm?

Gandalf: The Sock is still in your pocket...

Bilbo: Oh, yeah... (finally he drops it and it lands with a SPLAT)

(they go outside)

Bilbo: I've thought up an ending for my book: And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days.

Gandalf: And I'm sure you will. But that is a cliché, you know.

Bilbo: So long, Gandalf.

Gandalf: So long, Bilbo.

Bilbo: (singing off-key) The road goes ever on and ondown from the door where it began...

Gandalf: And it never stops...ack. I need a soda. See ya! (scene cut curtain falls on him) Ow. VEASSE!

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