The Daily Scroll - News from Middle Earth
Gandalf tries to make a point during his court case.
THE DAILY SCROLL.
GANDALF DAMAGES CASE CONTINUES.
Dogroth, Balrog of Morgoth and current resident of Moria suffered a set back in his claim for damages against Gandalf the wizard today. Dogroth had successfully proved that Gandalf wilfully brought down the ceiling of the Chamber of Mazarbul, thus causing considerable damage to the property. He was also close to proving that Gandalf had deliberately wrecked the endless stair, by throwing Dogroth down them. Dogroths lawyers, Ugnash, Ugnash and Krondheim, had also succeeded in depicting Gandalf as a loose cannon, showing that he had participated in a number of wars and that he had been instrumental in many of them. Then Gandalfs lawyers, Lorien, Orome and Spadgewick sprang their surprise witness. Dain, king under the mountain, claimed that Dogroth had no right to claim ownership of Moria because he had stolen the property from Durin, an ancestor. The Gandalf camp were delighted by this testimony until, that is, Dain dropped his bombshell. He was now sueing Gandalf for damages to Moria. All in all, this has not been a good day for the former Maiar.
HOBBITS EATEN BY TREE!
It has been reported that a Mr Peregrin Took and Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck, residents of the shire, were yesterday almost eaten by a large willow in the old forest. It seems that they were only rescued after their companions, Mr Frodo Baggins and Mr Sam Gamgee, appealed for help from Tom Bombadil, who owns a property next to the forest.
When asked to confirm this story, Mr Bombadil reponded, “Hey dol, merry dol, Tom Bombadillo!” On further questioning all Mr Bombadil would say was “Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow!” It subsequently took five shirrifs to escort Mr Bombadil to the lockholes where he is currently said to be ‘sleeping it off.’ Neither Mr Took nor Mr Brandybuck were available for comment.
VALINOR REFUGEE PROBLEM.
There were problems on the borders of Valinor this morning when more exiles turned up than usual, precipitating a crisis in customs. Fleeing the troubles in Middle Earth, many are claiming political asylum, though a few among the permanent residents claim they are economic refugees. One exile was even found to be illegally smuggling a mortal into the blessed realm. Her protests about the line of Luthien notwithstanding, Arwen Undomiel and her pet mortal Aragorn, were deported on the very next ship.
Ingwe, high king of the Vanyar stated. “Look! The bottom has dropped out of the ring market and after the Beleriand crash, land has been at a premium. Valinor is only so big. We do not have unlimited resources here.”
On the other hand, Haldir, a silvan elf recently arrived had this to say.
“Those blonde haired wussies have been sitting over here since time began, and all they have ever done is complain about the rest of us. Well, its time they woke up and smelt the lembas. So what if we didn’t come when Orome offered the big come hither. Would you follow just any old horseman who claims to be a Valar? I wouldn’t. Anyway we are here now, so those Vanyar can like it or lump it.”
SHAGRAT WINS SWEEPSTAKE! IT’S A FIX, CLAIM OTHERS.
The Captain of Cirith Ungol, Shagrat, has controversially won the Shelob sweepstakes, with a prize reputed to be in excess of the value of the shire. It seems that sneaky old Shagrat was the only one to bet that Ufthak would not be eaten by Shelob, and that she would forget about him entirely. Everyone else bet that it would take anything from 1 to 5 days for Shelob to consume this hapless participant. But it wasn’t to be. In an unusual turn of events, Shelob entirely forgot about Ufthak, an event that may result in a stewards inquiry. Certainly Gorbag of Minas Morgul was not happy about it.
“I’m gutted!” He said. “I demand an inquiry. Shelob should be tested for drugs. Has anyone ever seen her pass up on lunch? This whole things a farce. Shagrat’s a dunghill rat!”
Shagrat, meanwhile, has decided to retire.
“I’m going to retire.” He told our reporter. “Take a few trusty lads and buy up a little estate somewhere, nothing too big. I’m currently looking at Mirkwood.”
THE RING-PLAN, A NEW DIET THAT REALLY WORKS!
Specialists in dietary studies found a new way to lose those extra inches today. It seems the best method is to get hold of one of the rings of power. Just put that ring on and the weight falls away. It’s not an instant cure, though, it does take time, but the overall effect is astonishing. We asked Mr Smeagol, a beneficiary of the diet to comment.
“Yesss, Precioussss, it workss, it doess. Lossst weight he hasss, yessss. Poor Smeagol. Hungry, we are, yessss, famisshed.”
The promoters of this diet claim there are absolutely no bad side effects. Using the ring-plan guarantees weight loss and a longer life, though they have studiously ignored complaints about intolerance to light, split personality and a desire for world conquest.
Further inside your DAILY SCROLL!
Page 2: EAGLES SIGHTED! TWITCHERS DESCEND ON ESGAROTH.
Page 3: GLAMOROUS GRAN GALADRIEL REVEALS HOW SHE KEEPS HUBBY CELEBORN HAPPY.
Page 4: IT’S A DOGS LIFE. HUAN COMMENTS.
Page 5: HALBARAD MOVE FROM RIVENDELL RANGERS TO AMROTH ATHLETIC FALLS THROUGH.