SHAZAM - A Tale of Allergic Reactions
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One day I was walking down the street when the most astonishing thing happened. It all started when I noticed Frodo walking down the street. Yeah, that's right. Not Elijah Wood, not some crazy fan who thought Halloween came on May 15, not Cleopatra (Well, duh). Frodo.
Well, I pulled Frodo aside. "What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Who are you to ask me?" Frodo retorted. "I just said shazam - "
There was a mighty POOF! and the universe sneezed. "Bless you," I said as we landed on Abeir-Toril.
At that moment, Drizzt do'Urden walked by. He had two purple eyes, pointy ears, a nose, and hair that grew out of the top of his head. "What did you say?" he asked, befuddled.
"The universe sneezed," I explained. "It's only polite to say bless you when someone sneezes."
"Actually," Frodo tushied (this story is censored) in, "I just said shazam - "
There was a POOF! and another mighty sneeze. Then we landed in Lothlorien in Middle-earth. Galadriel was near us. She was pouring the light of Earendil (only it was really water) into her mirror. "Dare you look into the mirror?" she said mystically. We did.
The miror rippled and spun like a washine machine on overdrive. Inside it there was a little stick figure. "Shazam!" he said. The universe inside the mirror sneezed. Then a box of Kleenex appeared. The universe grabbed one and blew its nose.
"I get it!" I said suddenly. "The universe is allergic to the word Shazam!"
There was a great ACHOO! and we landed on a riverbank somewhere in the jungles of Zimbabwa. "Hey, universe," I called, holding up a tiny pill. "Want some Allegra Allergy Medicine?"
"Sure," said the universe. There was a pause as he ate the pill. "I feel better!" said the universe.
Suddenly I wanted to go home. "Universe, I want to go home. Can you sneeze me back?"
"I'll try," said the universe. here was a pause, than I heard a pitiful little: Achoo! I stumbled, but nothing more.
"Try again!" I called.
There was another sneeze, louder this time. I went flying backwards and bumped into something soft. It was the Eagle-Lord.
"Aha what?" said Frodo, the universe and the Eagle-Lord together.
"Mr. Narrator!" I yelled up to the sky. "We're not in Zimbabwa!"
"What?" came a deep, menacing voice from somewhere to the left.
"You said we were in the jungles of Zimbabwa," I explained. "Eagle-Lords don't live in Zimbabwa."
"You've never been there!" the deep voice protested.
"Come on! Back me up!" I called to the others.
"I've been to Zimbabwa," said the universe. "I've never seen an Eagle-Lord there."
"You did say we were in Zimbabwa," added Frodo.
"How do you spell 'telephone'?" asked Gwaihir.
"Okay, you win," said the Narrator. "So you're in Mirkwood or someplace."
"THANK you," I said.
But suddenly Frodo gasped. "But in Mirkwood," he said, "there are giant spiders!"
We gasped as these giant, eight-legged monsters pounced on us. Gwaihir fought for his life. But at last me and Frodo were captured. We got stuck in giant webs while the spiders creeped around giggling and licking their l - uh, the edge of their mouths - while their stomachs made odd noises.
Suddenly I saw a giant, giant feather caught in a web. I grabbed it and tickled the universe's nose.
A strange rumbling noise shook the earth.
"AHHH - "
The spiders screamed, and fled. "Mommy!" one yelled.
"AHHH - "
I winced as it came.
" - CHOOEY!!!" The tremendous sneeze shook the mountains to their roots. "Gazoontite," I said, landing on the street where I had started. No Frodo. No Narrator. No Gwaihir.
"Why did you say gazoontite?" a passer-by asked. "Nobody sneezed."
"Frankly," I replied, "You don't know the half of it."