Project W.I.N.K.L.E.- part One! - A parody script based on rumors regarding the upcoming LOTR movie

The following was posted on the tolkienonline message boards over the course of a year (and amid changing and ever more bizaare movie rumors), and was written by a number of people. Each person's screenname is listed before the section they wrote.


Project W.I.N.K.L.E.

Introduction: by "freaqboy"

We as a community have spent much time arguing over the actual changes in the storyline. The problem is, none of us have seen the script, so none of us have a clear idea of what Jackson intends to do. Well, I have the answer.
Using the amazing imagination and ingenuity of the fine folks here at the Council, I'd like to present to you:
THE PETER JACKSON'S LORD OF THE RINGS SCRIPT RECREATION AND CLARIFICATION ORGANIZATION, otherwise known as OPERATION W.I.N.K.L.E.(for no reason other than it sounds funny.)

by "freaqboy":

Peter Jackson's
LORD of the THINGS

Part 1: A long-expected party.

The screen is DARK.

[from Moriarty's script review:]

FRODO (V.O.)
When we turn away from the darkness of
our past to take comfort in our peaceful
lives, we sometimes forget how dearly
that peace was bought. But there is
much worth remembering in the darkness...

BILBO lights a torch. reveals SLIPPERS.

BILBO
My slippers! There they are! I almost forgot them in the darkness!

BILBO switches off lights.

CUT to SECOND AGE, big battle. Lots of ELVES, lots of HUMANS, lots of ORCS. they FIGHT. It is EXCITING. A big scary guy hits his finger chopped off. ISILDUR picks it up with a RING on it, and there is much rejoicing. ORCS shoot him with arrows and the RING falls into nearby river. There is much angst.

FRODO (V.O.)
Thus a Third Age of Middle-earth began.
History became legend... legend became
myth. And some things that should not
have been forgotten were lost.

cut to darkness. BILBO comes back into room and lights torch. He is NOT WEARING SLIPPERS..

BILBO
Now where did I put my slippers...

BILBO looks around, there are no slippers

BILBO
Oh, what I silly old goat I am, I seem to have lost my slippers!

BILBO wanders off.
CUT TO NEXT MORNING. It is a PARTY. People are HAPPY AND EXCITED.

BILBO
Everyone looks so happy and excited!

FRODO
Hi, Uncle Bilbo. Why, you are one hundred and eleven today, and you don't look a day over fifty!

BILBO
Thanks, young Frodo. Ever since I picked up that ring, I haven't seemed to age a day...

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Zoom in on FRODO's shocked face.

BILBO
But don't worry, young FRODO, I'm sure nothing bad will happen when I give the ring to you.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN

FRODO
I'm sure everything will be fine. Let's go join the party!

They DO. They have FUN.

BILBO
I would like to make a speech!

Everyone CHEERS.

BILBO
I like some of you half as much as I know half of you three fourths of a large number of you seem to be a fraction of who you are!

Everyone looks CONFUSED. BILBO disappears. Everyone CHEERS.
CUT to BILBO'S ROOM. GANDALF is there, smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair.

GANDALF
I am old and grey and weathered, but I am a great wizard underneath.

BILBO
Yes, you certainly are. Here, have a ring.

BILBO tries to hand GANDALF the ring.

GANDALF
No! I cannot be allowed to touch it!

GANDALF touches it.

BILBO
I will leave it on this table!

BILBO doesn't.

GANDALF
Leave it on the table!

BILBO does. He leaves.

GANDALF hits head on rafters.

GANDALF
Ouch!

Cut to GANDALF AND FRODO.

GANDALF
Bye, Frodo!

FRODO
Bye, Gandalf!

GANDALF hits head on roof.

GANDALF
Ouch!

GANDALF leaves. Years pass. GANDALF comes back.

GANDALF
Hi, Frodo!

FRODO
Hi, Gandalf!

GANDALF
You know the ring Bilbo gave you? It is evil!

GANDALF hits head on rafters.

GANDALF
Ouch!

FRODO
Is it really? Here, have a ridiculously long sandwich!

GANDALF eats sandwich.

GANDALF
Yes, it is! Here, give it to me!

GANDALF takes ring and throws it in fire. Ring melts.

GANDALF
Oops, well, I guess it's just a thing now.

GANDALF pulls thing from fire. FIERY INSCRIPTION shows.

FRODO
What does it say?

GANDALF
It's an ancient text, it says SFIIhifhASFKKHNMASINH. But before it melted, it said:
One thing to fool them all!
One thing to blind them!
One thing to bring them all!
And in the theatre find them!

FRODO
What does it mean?

GANDALF
It's an ominous rhyme. Nobody knows what it means.

FRODO
cool.

----------------------

by "Radagast":

Part 2: A Shadow of the Past

FRODO looks at GANDALF and STARES BLANKLY

FRODO
Umm... how did you know to look for the writing if you don't know what it means?

GANDALF
When you get to be my age, sonny, you will learn a thing or to. Now, you see, back in my day, we had to toss things like this one into volcanoes just to see the writing. Of course, we were kids back then, and the things usually said all sorts of strange phrases, like "Mr. Richard Head is a dolt" and "Up with miniskirts." Hmmm... I never did get that last one. Anyway, you young people have it too easy! Just toss the thing in the fire and poof! You get the writing. It's just not fair, and - Frodo? Frodo?

FRODO is DOZING OFF

GANDALF
Jumping Hobbits! That boy just can't listen!

GANDALF SMACKS FRODO ON THE HEAD

FRODO
Ah? What? Oh, yes... A most interesting tale Gandalf, and I do hope it works out for you.

GANDALF
That's not what I was saying!

FRODO
Of course not!

GANDALF
Anyway, let me tell you everything I know about this here thing.

FRODO (LOOKS CONFUSED)
Huh? I thought you said that you knew nothing about it?

GANDALF
I lied. Anyway, this thing comes from a long ago age... An age of magic - and mystery

FRODO INTERRUPTS
I thought THIS was the age of magic and mystery?

GANDALF
Oh, be quiet! Anyway, this thing comes from an age of even more magic and mystery... It was a dark time upon the land, for the Lord of the Rings was afoot...

FADES TO BLACK
OMINIOUS MUSIC BEGINS and CRIES OF BATTLE
SCENE CUTS TO SECOND AGE BATTLE SCENE AGAIN

GANDALF (v.o)
It was a time of trouble in Middle Earth. You see, the Dark Lord, Sauron - although we used to call him Old Red Eye, but that's another story - was engaged in a terrible battle with the Free People of Middle Earth. It was a ghastly and bloody affair, and, on the whole, not much fun.

FRODO (v.o)
Uh, didn't we see this before?

GANDALF (v.o.)
Quiet, you! Anyway, as the battle raged on, Sauron had no choice but to show himself and engage the heroes in mortal combat...

ZOOMS IN to GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR near the DARK TOWER
GIL-GALAD has large, POINTED EARS, and is wearing a TURBAN. He is wielding a HUGE SPEAR. ISILDUR is a brawny MAN. BOTH look CLEANCUT as if they have not even seen battle and just walked into Mordor without a problem.

GIL-GALAD
Where is that Sauron? I wish to smite him with my spear, for it is the spear that is destined to smite Sauron, and he shall have no choice but to come forth for his smiting!

ISILDUR
Yes, I too wish to smite him, but we must await our moment.

METAL CLANGING SOUND as the GATES of the DARK TOWER OPEN

GIL-GALAD
Look, foresooth, the Enemy comest!

ISILDUR
Yes, he indeed comest, and we had best smite him!

SAURON MARCHES OUT OF THE DARK TOWER

ISILDUR
Look! Is that a great, blue blender with spines? Is that our Enemy?

GIL-GALAD
Yes, indeed it is. For it is written that He shall have great spines, blue armor and look like a kitchen appliance gone wild.

ISILDUR
May the Valar have mercy upon us! We are doomed!

GIL-GALAD
You always say that! It is becoming annoying! Look, he approacheth!

SAURON draws near GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR. SAURON towers over the other two, and indeed looks like a blue metal blender with spines and a single red eye.

SAURON
Hahahahahaha! I am the Lord of all Evil! I will eat your souls!

GIL-GALAD
Nay, you shall eat our steel!
Battle begins and ends the same way as before. SAURON DIES and the THING is chopped off his hand.

FADES TO BLACK

CUT back to FRODO and GANDALF

FRODO
Wow! That was cool!

GANDALF
Yes, but then Isildur was killed and the Thing was lost. But now it is found and I fear for us all!

FRODO
Um... You still haven't said why!

GANDALF
Because the Thing is the source of the Enemy's powers! If he gets it again, we are all doomed! And he grows stronger with each passing day, until he shall conquer all of Middle Earth!

FRODO
That sucks!

GANDALF takes out a PIPE and puts PIPEWEED in it

GANDALF
I used to smoke this, but then I learned that smoking is bad for your health. Since I am so wise and cool, I should not smoke since that sets a bad example.

GANDALF THROWS PIPE in the FIRE. A cloud of SMOKE rises up and FRODO and

GANDALF start COUGHING

(AFTER they stop coughing) FRODO
Well, what shall we do? Can't we just destroy the Thing so that nobody gets it?

GANDALF
No, nothing can melt it... Nothing except... The FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM

LIGHTNING and THUNDER

FRODO
That's odd... it's sunny outside...

GANDALF
Yes, but it's not sunny at... MOUNT DOOM!!

LIGHTING and THUNDER again

BOTH are SILENT

SOUNDS of a LAWNMOWER outside

GANDALF
What's that sound?

FRODO
Oh, that's just Sam. He mows my lawn now and then. Here, would like a ridiculously long sandwich?

FRODO hands SANDWICH to GANDALF

FRODO
Well, I guess we are doomed. What shall we do?

--------------------

by "freaqboy":

GANDALF munches happily on his second ridiculously large sandwich.

GANDALF
You must leave, leave here now, with the ring! You must hide it!

FRODO
Aww, do I have to?

GANDALF
Yes, it all started so long ago...

CUT TO SECOND AGE

GANDALF(vo)
When the armies of elf and man made their last stand...

FRODO
This is the third time you've said this!

CUT back to BAG END

GANDALF
I did? Oh...

GANDALF stops and listens... hears NOTHING. Suddenly, he rushes to the window and PULLS IN SAM GAMGEE!

FRODO
It's Sam Gamgee!

GANDALF rushes to the cupboard and pulls out PIPPIN TOOK!

FRODO
It's Pippin Took!

GANDALF opens a trunk and pulls out MERRY BRANDYBUCK!

FRODO
It's Merry Brandybuck!

GANDALF opens the oven and pulls out A POT ROAST!

FRODO
it's a pot roast!

GANDALF opens the laundry hamper and pulls out SARUMAN!

FRODO
It's Dracula!

CHRISTOPHER LEE AKA SARUMAN hisses, turns into a bat and flies out. SAM, MERRY, PIPPIN and the POT ROAST remain.

GANDALF
So, I caught the four of you spying, didn't I?

SAM
Don't kill me Mr. Wizard sir!

PIPPIN
There's only three of us...

GANDALF
Listen when I talk to you, you spies! What are you doing sneaking about Bag End here?

MERRY
We wanted to make sure Frodo was alright...

GANDALF
Alright then, if you four are so worried about Mr. Frodo, you can all accompany him! Now I must be off soon, but I'll be back before you leave! See you later!

GANDALF takes a ridiculously long sandwich for the road, and hits his head on the way out.

GANDALF
Ouch!

CUT TO FRODO, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM and the POT ROAST sitting around a table plotting their escape from Hobbiton...

---------------

by "Diamond of Long Cleeve"

Part 4: A SHORT CUT TO MUSHROOMS (or: MRS MAGGOT'S PASSION)

cut to PIPPIN, SAM, MERRY, and FRODO leaving Hobbiton. SAM has a heavy load on his head, including the POT ROAST. PIPPIN carries book: "The Good Pub Guide to the Four Farthings'"

PIPPIN
I want to stop at the Golden Perch, it's got the best beer in the South Farthing!

FRODO
Pippin, you've got ale on the brain.

MERRY
I've just stepped in a puddle! We must be in the Marish!

FRODO
Oh no. I fear we are about to face a deadly peril.

PIPPIN
You mean - Farmer Maggot's four terrifying Yorkshire terriers who yip around one's ankles and could probably rip out Carcharoth's guts in single combat???

FRODO
No. I mean a deadlier peril even than they!

PIPPIN (eyes wide with horror)
Oh no! Not ... not the Nazgul?

FRODO
Name them not!

SAM
No, indeed they must not be named!

MERRY
I haven't the faintest idea what you people are talking about.

FRODO
It's OK, Merry. We haven't actually seen a Nazgul. In fact, I don't even know what they are. We haven't got to that part of the story yet.

SAM
I think we did, sir, a few pages back.

FRODO
Oh. Oh well. We jumped forward. It's a clean lift so that's OK. Anyway, there's Mrs Maggot's passion to face now and that is a far deadlier peril.

PIPPIN
Mrs Maggot's passion?

FRODO (darkly)
We hobbits are crazy for mushrooms, Pip. Mrs M is crazy for hobbit-boys.

PIPPIN (face brightening)
Oh ... IS she now?

FRODO
Believe me, Pip, you DON'T want to go there.

PIPPIN
Oh yes, I do!

FRODO
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Why do you think I've not dared go near Maggot's farm since I was in my Tweens? I tried to pinch some mushrooms from his field when I was a kid at Brandy Hall and that woman scared the life out of me!

SAM (earnestly)
It's OK, Mr Frodo, sir. If Mrs M starts any funny business with you, she'll have Sam Gamgee to contend with.

MERRY
Behold, she approaches!
MRS MAGGOT appears in front of a cosy farmhouse.

MRS MAGGOT (leering)
Fancy some mushrooms do we, lads?

The four HOBBITS glance quickly at each other.

FRODO
See what I mean?

SAM
What shall we do, sir?

FRODO
RUN!!!!

They all run away from the lascivious MRS MAGGOT, apart from PIPPIN. MERRY runs back and grabs PIPPIN.

PIPPIN (pouting)
Ohhhh ... spoilsports!


by "Celebrim":

EXTERIOR: SYLVAN WOOD

FRODO
I wonder where Gandalf has gotten to?

Sound effects of a HORSE trotting in this direction. All hobbits cock their heads to listen.

MERRY
Maybe that’s Gandalf.

CREEPY OMINOUS MUSIC begins to play. The sounds of the trotting HORSE become thunderous. Heavy breathing his heard. There are GUNSHOTS. PIPPIN looks at a small glass of water and sees waves forming in it.

FRODO
Somehow, I don’t think that that is Gandalf. And if it is, I want to surprise him and give him a weggie for making me worry about him. Let’s hide!

All hobbits get off road and hide under a bank. A NAZGUL appears on a fire breathing HORSE.

NAZGUL (breathing heavily): Baaaough pwoooo Baaaough pwoooo

All the hobbits look really scared, but being under a bank can see nothing. The NAZGUL rides on.

PIPPIN: I wonder what that was.

MERRY: You really don’t want to know.

The screen goes dark. A moment later words appear. They say, "INSERT SPECIAL EDITION HERE"

EXTERIOR FARMLAND

MERRY (holding a copy of the LotR)
Boy, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to hear the words ‘clean lifts’ before. According to this, we have totally avoided getting nearly killed by two Black Riders, a Willow Tree, and a Barrow Wight.

SAM
But, we also missed getting our swords. I wonder how that is going to turn out?

PIPPIN
Wait a minute, a willow tree? That sounds so cheesy.

MERRY
Well it worked well in the book.

FRODO
Also, we didn’t have Bombadil to give us the hook for the next stage of the quest. Where should we make for?

PIPPIN (holding out a copy of ‘A Guide to the Inns of the Four Farthings and Associated Areas)
Fortunately, we have this nifty plot device. Let me see. Oh, it says here that, "Four miles along the road we will come to upon a village, Bree under Bree-Hill, and that there is an inn, ‘The Prancing Pony’, with doors facing westward. Barliman Butterbur is the worthy keeper."

MERRY(still holding his copy of LotR)

Hmmm... that sounds familiar. Oh, I’m mean, "Yes, the Prancing Pony is a good inn by all accounts. Some of the Brandybucks ride out there now and again."
They come to Bree. There is an in Inn with doors looking westward.

EXTERIOR RAMADA INN (Close Up of A Sign with a Rampant Horse above the words ‘RAMADA INN’)

SAM
Look, the sign of the Prancing Pony.

They Enter.
INTERIOR RUSTIC INN: They see BARLIMAN.

BARLIMAN
Hi, I’m Barliman Butterbur. I should remember something, but I don’t. Would you like some beer while I try to remember?

PIPPIN
Great, I’m parched!

FRODO
Sorry, this is a family movie. No beer.

PIPPIN
Ahhh, but this is New Zealand!

Pippin turns to Barliman.

PIPPIN
We’ll all have beers.

They do.

MERRY and PIPPIN get blasted and sing Led Zeppelin in the background. SAM eats an enormously long sandwich. FRODO sees STRIDER. STRIDER is wearing a tattered black cloak and brown clothes. He looks rugged and handsome. He has a sheathed sword, and there is a surf board beside him. He wears a straw hat.

STRIDER
Oh, like, I’m called Strider. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be.

FRODO
I’m.. Fr.. I’m mean Mr. Underhill. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be, either.

STRIDER (pointing to Merry and Pippin)
Dude, if I were you I’d stop your young friends from talking too much. There are queer folk about.

SAM
I resent that remark!

MERRY
But if the Balrog had actually wings, it couldn’t have possibly fallen into the abyss!

BREELANDER EXTRA #1
Ahh, but they don’t have to be functional wings!

STRIDER
Like, do something quick, dude, before they reveal something critical to the plot!

FRODO takes out his ring and puts it on. He disappears. Everyone stops talking and turns and looks at where Frodo last was.
STRIDER hits his forehead with his palm.

STRIDER
Doh!

FRODO takes off his ring and reappears closer to Strider.

FRODO
Did that work?

STRIDER
In a manner of speaking.

Six ORCS, five evil looking VILLAINS, four TROLLS, three NAZGUL, two NAZI SS, and CHRISTOPHER LEE get up and leave the bar. STRIDER is left with only the HOBBITS.

STRIDER
Well, I think at least your secret is out, dude. Now I shall reveal mine.

Everyone pauses with baited breath. DRAMATIC MUSIC plays.

STRIDER
I’m the male romantic lead.

SAM
That depends on your point of view.

FRODO
Really. Why should we take your word for this?

STRIDER
Well I am very roguish looking and handsome, aren’t I? Nevermind, I’m the best that they could do under the circumstances, so like, you are just going to have to live with it. I’m critical to the rest of the plot of the movie, so why don’t you take me along.

SAM
I don’t see why we need him, Mr. Frodo.

BARLIMAN (comes up with an envelope. )
I just remembered what I forgot. I hope Gandalf isn’t mad.

FRODO opens the envelope.

FRODO
It’s from Gandalf. It says that we should look for a scruffy looking man with an Amish hat, a surfboard, and a broken sword. He’s the romantic lead.

STRIDER
Like cool, daddy-o. One Amish hat, check. One surfboard, check...

SAM (interrupting)
I still don’t think we need him. Can’t we do another clean lift? I think we have a pretty good thing going already, and if anything, I think we need fewer people on this journey. It would be more intim.. I mean safer that way. Besides, this guy in the straw hat doesn’t look much like Strider. Maybe he killed the real Strider and took his place.

STRIDER
Sam, like if I could off the real Strider, then I could off you, see? Then I could have Frodo by myself without so much talk. But, fortunately for you hep-cats, I am Aragorn son of Arathorn and if by life or death I can save you, I will!

ARAGORN draws his sword. It’s broken.

STRIDER
And one righteously broken sword, check. Woo hoo, I am the romantic lead.

FRODO
Well I guess that settles it. He looks foul, but feels fair. We should just be thankful the casting department did this well.

MERRY
Wait a minute. Swords. We still don’t have swords.

STRIDER
Oh, well that’s easily amended.

STRIDER goes over to a big cabinet. It is filled with LotR merchandise. He takes out four swords.

STRIDER
There you go, four genuine officially licensed Númenorean blades. Now we need to go to Weathertop.

PIPPIN (sheathing sword)
Why’s that?

STRIDER
So we can finally see some of these Black Riders.

STRIDER and the HOBBITS get up and exit together. They mount ponies and ride off down the road. As they disappear into the distance we hear voiceovers.

EXTERIOR RAMADA INN

PIPPIN
So what was it like being the son of a famous Numenorean like Arathorn.

STRIDER
Dude, it was like so rough. I don’t want to talk about it. He may sound cool in the stories, but in real life he is just a no good alcoholic that abandoned me as a child. On the plus side, it gave me this really brooding but sensitive personality that the chicks just dig.

MERRY
Strider, you are nothing like I imagined you’d be.

STRIDER
Oh yeah? Wait until you meet my girlfriend.

They disappear around a corner.
GANDALF comes riding up like a whirlwind. He is on SHADOWFAX. He dismounts.

GANDALF
Barliman, if you delayed my message, I’m going to turn you into a newt!

Gandalf dashes into the inn, and bangs his head on the door frame.

GANDALF
Ouch!


by "Radagast":

SCENE cuts to GANDALF who is walking along the road, eating a ridiculously long sandwich.

GANDALF (to himself)
Hmmm... I think it's about time to do something heroic, lest the audiance think I am just an old guy who complains alot.

THREE ORCS jump out from behind the bushes. They are GREEN with big TUSKS and GRUNT A LOT.

ORC 1
Uhhh... Ooogggg...

GANDALF
Excuse me, did I hear that correctly?

ORC 2
MMMGGGGG!!!!

GANDALF (looks at his watch )
Oh, my! Look at the time! I am afraid I will have to kill you now!

GANDALF waves his staff and a cloud of fire erupts, killing all the ORCS. GANDALF snuffs out fires.

GANDALF (to himself)
Well, that was worth 300 experience points! Anyway, nothing more to see here folks, but remember - only you can prevent forest fires!

GANDALF continues walking along the road.

SCENE cuts to the DARK TOWER. Large throne, complete with ornate skulls, is sitting in a dark room full of flames and shadows. Big shadowy guy with armor and horns everywhere is sitting on the throne. He has one big red eye. The Mouth of Sauron is standing before him.

MOUTH
Um... Master, our forces have not yet found the Ring. Should we keep looking?

SAURON
DUH!!!! Yes, keep looking! What do think I pay you idiots for?!

MOUTH
Ummm... Yes, good point.

MOUTH scurries off, leaving SAURON alone
SAURON gets up from his throne and walks over to one wall. There, a nicely painted portrait of Aragorn is hanging, along with pictures of the other Kings of Gondor.

SAURON (to himself)
I have waited a long time for this moment to crush you... They never told you what happened to your father, but you will see! Soon, Aragorn, you will know that I am the Lord of All Evil and I will eat your soul!

SAURON begins evil laughter while waving around an absurdly large sword. Scene fades back to GANDALF who is now reaching ORTHANC.

GANDALF is standing at the gates of ISENGUARD. He seems a bit confused as to why there are huge gates there.

GANDALF rings the doorbell
A small portal opens on the door and a little man looks out.

LITTLE MAN
Nobody sees the great Saruman, no where and no how!

GANDALF
But I am Gandalf!

LITTLE MAN
Sauron's GANDALF! Well, that's a wizard of a different color!

LITTLE MAN departs and the gates of ISENGUARD open. GANDALF walks inside.
ISENGUARD is looking more than a bit evil. There are no trees, but instead pillars of metal with orcish curses painted on them. Smoke is everywhere. Orthanc looms like a tower of doom in the distance.

LITTLE MAN
You will have to leave your sandwich behind - we don't allow them here.

GANDALF
Wow... This place must be evil or something...

GANDALF walks up to ORTHANC and rings the doorbell. SARUMAN steps out, wearing tie-dyed robes.

SARUMAN
I am SARUMAN. Come and enter of your own free will.

They shake hands and walk inside.
SARUMAN'S throne room looks a lot like SAURON's, but there are less skulls, shadows, and flames because he does not yet have the right to have such cool evilness.

SARUMAN
Anyway, I am evil now, just to warn you.

GANDALF
Uh, yeah. What did you do to your robes?

SARUMAN
Oh, these? Well, I got them done at a discount store that offered to make them all sorts of cool colors.

GANDALF
But aren't you Saruman the White?

SARUMAN
SHHHHH!!!! We can't say that! That's politically incorrect! Sheesh! Anyway, I am now Saruman the Colorful!

GANDALF
I liked white better

SARUMAN
Oh, yeah, sure. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep white robes clean in this filthy place! I went through a fortune in bleach. Well, that's beside the point. I brought you here to tell you to help me get the Ring or die.

GANDALF
Isn't that a bit blunt? I thought you were supposed to charm me into helping you.

SARUMAN
Yeah, well, I just don't feel like it. You gonna help me or am I gonna have to bash your head in?

GANDALF
Was Radagast involved in your little plan?

SARUMAN
Rada-who?

GANDALF
Never mind. Why are you doing this? Surely you realize that the Ring must be destroyed! If not, we are all doomed!

SARUMAN
Yes, but if we take the Ring for our own, we will be the bosses and get to have our own Dark Tower and tell people what to do!

GANDALF
That sounds tempting, but will there be any ridiculously long sandwichs?

SARUMAN
Of course not!

GANDALF
Then I cannot help you! You have become evil Saruman, evil and twisted!

SARUMAN
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.

GANDALF
Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Anyway, I will be leaving now

SARUMAN
Oh, I don't think so!

SARUMAN picks up his staff and waves it at GANDALF

GANDALF
I see your staff is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it!

MEANINGLESS STAFF BATTLE with magical explosions begins. In the end,
GANDALF loses and is knocked out.

SARUMAN
Sleep lightly Gandalf. When you awake, you will be placed in my Roof of Easy Escapes!!!!

SARUMAN begins laughing and the scene fades back to the merry wanders who are still looking for Nazgul...


by "LadyCrumb":

STRIDER and the HOBBITS disappear around a corner. CUT to view in front of the group.

SAM
Apples for walking, and a pipe for sitting. I reckon I'll miss them both before long.

They pass by a hedge where BILL FERNY is staring boldly at the group. FERNY is a large man with heavy black brows. He has tangled wavy hair and a beard.

FERNY
Morning, Longshanks! Off early? Found some friends at last?

STRIDER nods

FERNY
Morning, my little friends! I suppose you know who you've taken up with? Watch out tonight! And you, Sammie, don't go ill treating my poor old pony!

SAM
And you Ferny, put your ugly face out of sight or it will get hurt!

SAM THROWS an apple, hitting FERNY in the forehead. FERNY is stunned and falls unconscious to the ground.

SAM
Waste of a good

STRIDER (cutting in)
Sam what are you doing? Where did you get that apple and what's in it?

SAM (unconcerned)
Oh, it's a plastic apple with a lead core. A fan from one of those message boards gave it to me and thought it would add a nice touch of realism in the scene. And anyway, that Ferny is a really mean person.

STRIDER (alarmed)
Don't you know fool!?! That's the director! It's his cameo appearance!

HOBBITS (together)
gasp!

They run over to the fallen DIRECTOR. He has a cut on his forehead spreading blood down half of his face. He groans and opens his eyes.

HOBBITS (together)
Oh, I'm sorry sir!
Sir, are you ok?
Sir, sir, speak to us!

The DIRECTOR sits up and groans. He gingerly touches his head.

DIRECTOR
Oh, talk about deja-vu. You just better hope I didn't crack my head open like I did on my first movie. No one ever takes you seriously when you have a belt around your head.

The DIRECTOR stands up, a little unsteadily. He looms over the HOBBITS.

DIRECTOR
Now, if I ever hear you guys hanging out with those message board people again, I'm going to do something very unpleasant to you in post-production. You think that your height is the only thing I can shrink?

HOBBITS (together)
gasp!

DIRECTOR
Good. Now I need to find a ridiculously large bottle of aspirin. And you get back to work!

He exits.
The party looks at each other in embarrasment. STRIDER shrugs and assumes command.

STRIDER
Come on you hobbits! We need to get to Weathertop. We've got a date with a Nazgul!

They all march down the road.


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