LORD OF THE LAP-TOP - If the Ring were not a ring...

SCENE 1
BAG END

FRODO: There are strange markings on the monitor. It's some font of elvish; I can't make it out.

GANDALF: There are few who can. It is the language of Mordor, which I will not utter here.In the common tongue it reads,
One screen to e-mail them all,
One screen to find them,
One screen to chat with them all,
And in the darkness bind them!

[ Ominous thunder is heard outside.]

FRODO: Then we'll put it away. Never talk about it; keep it a secret. No one knows it's here, do they?... Do they Gandalf?

GANDALF: There is one who knows. The creature Gollum hacked into Bilbo's account years ago, for it was Gollum that owned the lap-top to begin with. I tried to find him, but the enemy got him first. I don't know how long they tortured him. But they managed to get two words out of him.

[ Cut to scene of froggy creature being tortured ]

FROGGY CREATURE(in other words, Gollum): Shire, Baggins!!!!!

ORCS: How in the world did they talk us into this job? Here we are, on a perfectly nice day, torturing Kermit the Frog's cousin! Sheesh, what a guy has to live with!

[ Cut back to inside Bag End with Gandalf and Frodo ]

FRODO: Shire, Baggins. Those are the login and password to my hotmail account! That will lead them here! [Shoves the lap-top in Gandalf's face] TAKE IT GANDALF! YOU MUST TAKE IT!!!!

GANDALF: No, Frodo! You must understand that I would take the computer for the purpose of good... but through me, the internet would wield an evil unimaginable.

FRODO: Then I know what I must do.

[ Frodo gets online and go's to "search" ]

FRODO: Where can I find some good home and health security...

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