Leaf Shaped Elven Ears - Tolkien meets "The Sneetches" of Dr. Seuss

From the Author.....It is often a matter of debate whether Tolkiens elves had pointed ears or not. In "The Letters of JRR Tolkien " and Tolkien's "The Lost Road", clearly Tolkiens elves had ears pointed like mallorn leaves. Since none us have seen a mallorn leaf, this poem hopes to soften that debate. In the films they are pointed.

Leaf Shaped Elven Ears

Now the pointed ear elves
Had ears like mallorn leaves
And the human ear elves
They had none of these

The ears weren't so big, as a Vulcans you know
You might think what does it matter, and just get up and go.
But because they had points, all the pointy ear elves
They would brag " We're the best kind of Elves in the beech trees"
With their noses towards the skies, they would laugh and chort.
"We'll have nothing to do with those plain earred sort"
And whenever they met the plain earred type out walking
They'd leap right past by them, never speaking or talking

When the pointed ear elf-kins went to collect leaves for the Fall.
Could a human earred type help gather leaves? Not at all.
You could only cavort if your ears had those points.
And the plain ear elf children had none upon thars.

When the pointy ear elves had miruvor, mushrooms and lembas waybread
Or met in elf rings, the plain ear type just sat faraway at pools looking at their head
They never invited the plain earred elves
They avoided them, walking in the light of the golden mallorn
They kept them away. Never let the plain ones near
And that's how they treated the plain ears year after year

Then ONE day, it seems ...while the plain earred elves
Were sleeping and dreaming alone near the strong solid oaks
Just sitting there wishing their ears had those points
Varda looked down from the Stars upon the sad elves
"Iluvatar's First" she announced in a voice clear and keen
"As you known my name is Varda up here, I'm queen
And I have heard of your troubles, I heard you're unhappy
But I can correct that. I can make you feel so happy
I've come here to help you. I have what you plain ones need.
My idea is very simple, and I work with great speed.
The magical and spiritual thing that I do is guaranteed".

Then with haste, Varda the Valar queen
Conjured up a cluster of stars like none ever seen
And she said "You want ears like the pointy ear Eldar?
My children you can have them just stay where you are.

Just give me your hands, let yourselves go, and spin all around
They formed an elven circle, closed their eyes and fell to the ground
And they rolled, and they hopped , and they spun just for fun
An eerie fog developed all about, but then things really worked
When the plain ear elves awoke in a daze, they had points
They actually did. They had those points on thars.

Then the new elves yelled at the ones with points from the start
"We're exactly like you! You can't tell us apart.
We're all just the same now, you high falootin leaf type
And now we can go through Rivendell with our smiles and you're hype".
"Eee gads" screamed the ones with points at the first
"We're still the best Elves and you are the worst
But now how in all Middle Earth, will we know" they all frowned
"Which kind of elves is which, or the other way around?"

Then Varda standing in a nearby Wood, winked a very lady like wink
And she said " Things are not quite as dismal as you think
So you don't know one elf from another, that's what the gods meant. it's true
But come with me my dear elves. This is what I'll do.
I'll make you again the best elves in those beeches
It's no problem, I like rings, just give me a few eaches

"So pointed ears are no longer in style" said Varda of the Valar race
"What you elves need is a spin through my mythical tree place
This wondrous hollow will take off your out of fashion points
So you won't look like the elves who have leaves on thar ears
That takes a cosmic float, that must work precisely
Removing all the ear points from you quite nicely

Then, with their chins in the air, they marched all about
And they opened their mouths and they let out a shout
"We know who is who! Now there isn't a doubt
The best kind of elves are those elves without"
Then of course, those with points all got terribly sad.
To be wearing the points now was incredibly bad.
Then , beloved Varda the Queen of the Valar race
Invited them back into the ear correcting place
Then of course from then on as any observer could guess.
Things the elves had demanded became a terrible mess.

All the rest of the day in the gold leafed mallorns
Varda of the Stars tried her best to help the forlorn
Off Again, On Again
Asleep Again , Awake Again
Through that spiritual place they ran around and about
Changing their ears every day or two
They kept wondering what to do, when would this ear business be through
Until neither the plain elves nor the pointed ones knew
Whether this one was that one, or that one was this one.

Then when it was the absolute last moment
The elves were spread on the ground all spent
Varda then floated up towards the stars
Yes, up she went
And she smiled as she ascended
In her own ethereal way
These elves can learn, yes they can
No. But you can never teach the pure Tolkien fan

Varda was really quite correct you know, the Elves were happy so they say
And all the elves became even more immortal that day.
The day they decided that all elves are elves
And no ear type of elf is best admidst the pines.
That day , all the elves forgot about "las" thats leaf ears
Whether they had pointed ears or not, the subject would never bring them to tears.

-+ Orodreth +-

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