Elven Cram - Gollum and Lembas - A Dr. Seuss tale

{ Author's note: I know there have been some past spoofs on Lord of the Rings with Dr. Seuss - you may have even read others based of of "Green Eggs and Ham". I'm not trying to copy anyone's work, however; this is just a random crazy compostion of mine that has bouyed my spirits up during breaks between college-work. Hope you enjoy! Thanx!}

Sam: I am Sam
Sam I am.

Gollum: That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
Master likes him!
That Sam-I-am!

Sam: Do you like this elven cram?

Gollum: We do not likes it, Sam-I-am.
We do not likes the elven cram.

Sam: Won't you eat with Frodo, there?

Gollum: We will not eats with Master there!
We will not eats it anywhere!
We do not likes your elven cram.
We do not likes it Sam-I-am!

Sam: Will you eat it in Gondor?
Will you eat with Denethor?

[Denethor scowls at Gollum.]

Gollum: We do not likes it in Gondor.
We do not likes that Denethor.
We will not eats up! up! up! up! the stair!
We will not eats it anywhere!
We do not likes your elven cram.
We do not likes it, Sam-I-am!

Sam: Would you eat them on a shelf?
Would you eat them with an elf?

[Legolas waves hello.]

Gollum: Not on a shelf.
Not with an elf.
Not in Gondor
Or with Denethor.
We would not eats if we had hair!
We will not eats it anywhere!

Sam: Would you? Could you?
On a ferry?
Eat it! Eat it!
On Buckleberry's!

[Sam, Gollum, Legolas, and Denethor hop onto Buckleberry ferry.]


Gollum: We could not,
Would not,
On a ferry.

Sam: You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
In a tree!

Treebeard: I am no tree! I am an ent!

Gollum: We could not would not in an... ent.
Not on a ferry! Our patience is spent!
We do not likes it on a shelf.
We don not likes it with the elf.
We do not likes it in Gondor.
We do not likes that Denethor!
We would not likes it, should you care!
We will not likes it anywhere!
We do not likes your elven cram.
We do not likes it, Sam-I-am.

Sam: A horse! A horse!
A horse! A horse!
Could you, would you,
On a horse?

[Shadowfax rides up. All climb aboard - including the Buckleberry ferryman.]

Gollum: Not on a horse! Not on an ent!
Not on a ferry! Our patience is spent!

We would not, could not in Gondor,
We do not likes that Denethor!
We will not eats it on a shelf.
We will not eats it with an elf.
We will not eats it if you dare!
We will not eats it anywhere!
We do not likes your elven cram.
We do not likes it Sam-I-am.

Sam: Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

Gollum: We would not, could not,
In the dark.

Sam: Would you, could you,
In the rain?

Gollum: We would not, could not in the rain.
Not in the dark - you are a pain!
Not on a ferry. Not on an ent.
We do not likes its foul scent!
Not in on a shelf. Not in Gondor.
Not with an elf OR Denethor.
We will not eats it if stomach is bare.
We do not likes it anywhere!

Sam: You do not like the elven cram?

Gollum: We do not likes it, Sam-I-am.

Sam: Could you, would you,
With my friend, Pip?

[Pippin begins to devour the lembas.]

Gollum: We would not, could not with friend Pip!

Sam: Would, could you, on Galadriel's ship?

[Shadowfax goes running off cliff face down towards Galadriel's swan ship.]

Galadriel: I sang of leaves,
Of leaves of gold,
And leaves or gold there - huh?!
Screetch! Abandon ship!

[Shadowfax & co. land on ship, sinking it.]

Gollum: We could not, would not, on lady's ship.
We could not with the hobbit, Pip.
We will not eats it in the rain
Or on the horse, you little pain!
Not in the dark! Not on an ent!
Not on a ferry! My patience is spent!
We do not likes it on a shelf.
We do not likes that stupid elf!
We do not likes it in Gondor -
We hates, we hates that Denethor!
We would not eats it in Shelob's Lair!
We do not likes it ANYWHERE!!!

Cold be heart and hand and bone,
Cold be travelers far from home.
They do not see what lies ahead
When sun has failed and moon is dead!!!

Sam: Um, wasn't that last stanza a bit out of place?

Gollum: Fitted the meter, though, stupid fat hobbit! Arrr!
We do not likes your elven cram!
We do not likes it, Sam-I-am!

Sam: You do not like it.
So you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.
Try it and you may, I say.

Gollum: Sam! If you will lets us be,
We will try it, and put your eyes out and makes you crawl!

Sam: Alright, then... Kinda freaked me out just now.

[Gollum takes piece of lembas and stares at it doubtfully. Galadriel, Shadowfax, Pippin, Legolas, Treebeard, and Denethor watch in suspense. Sam smiles hopefully.]

Gollum: Say!
We likes the elven cram!
We do! We likes it, Sam-I-am!
And we will eats it on a ship.
And we will eats it here with Pip...
And we will eats it in the rain.
And in the dark. Isildur's Bane!
And on a ferry. And on and ent!
We really are so vehement!
So we will eats it on a shelf.
And we will eats it with the elf.
And we will eats it in Gondor.
Why! We will eats with Denethor!
And by the Precious we do swear
WE WILL EATS IT ANYWHERE!

We do so likes the elven cram!
Thank you! Thank you, Sam-I-am!


Sam: Told you so. And now! For some good stewed rabbits!

Gollum: NO! NOOO!!! You're ruining them! Stupid fat hobbit!

Sam: You're hopeless.

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