A Strange Meeting: The Two Towers - Scene Two
Aragorn: What news from the North -
Viggo: - Riders of Rohan?
The Six Hunters are quickly surrounded by a thicket of spears. A tall man rides forward.
Eomer: What business does two men, two Dwarves, and two Elves have in the Riddermark? And why do you look like you, you look like you, and you look like you?
Orlando: That'd be PJ's defective DVD.
Eomer: A what?
Orlando: (laughs to himself)
Eomer: (growling) Who are you? Speak quickly!
John: Don't say anything, Gimli!
Gimli: Give me your name, horse-master, and I shall give you mine and more besides!
John: (moans and face palms)
Eomer: I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground!
The two Elves level arrows at his face.
Eomer: NOT FAIR! Two against one!
Orlando: Your loss.
Eomer: You wouldn't dare! You're surrounded by spears.
Aragorn: I hate to interrupt such an interesting conversation, but Eomer, I assure you, he would dare.
Gimli: Heh heh heh.
Eomer: Why don't I just give you these four horses. Farewell.
Orlando: Hold on a moment! What are their names?
Eomer: This is Hasufel, and that's Arod.
John: A-rod? Doesn't he play shortstop for the Rangers?
John: Forget it.
Aragorn: What of the other two?
Eomer: That's Hasurod, and that's Afel. We, uh, started running low on names. Farewell.
Viggo: Hang on a minute! Have you seen four short guys with hairy feet?
Eomer: No. Unless they were in the giant pile of dead Uruks that we burned after we slaughtered everything that moved in their camp in the middle of the night.
Gimli: They're dead?
John: Don't think so.
Eomer: Probably. Ah well, you've still got the horses, right? Oh, um, by the way, you'd better stay away from Meduseld. Grima's been poisoning Theoden's mind, so he thinks that I'm an enemy and Saruman is his friend. Hey, you aren't spies of his, are you?
Viggo: Nope. I used to be a friend of your dad's, though.
Aragorn: Did not! I was!
Eomer: Whatever. Anyway, the ashes are still smoking, so you oughtta be able to find the heap of scorched Uruks. Just follow the stench. Bye!
The Riders of Rohan gallop away. Viggo, Aragorn, Orlando, Legolas, John, and Gimli ride across the plains of Rohan, pushing their steeds to the utmost.
When at last they reach the scene of the slaughter...
Gimli: (pulling a charred object from the heap of burned bodies) It's one of their wee belts.
Legolas: Hiro hyn hidh ab'wanath.
Aragorn: Aaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh! (kicks a helmet)
Viggo: OW! (kicks it back) OWWWWWWWW! My TOES!
Gimli: We've failed them.
Orlando: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on just a cotton-tailed minute. Look at this. A hobbit lay here.
Aragorn: And the other. They crawled.
Viggo: Their hands were bound.
Aragorn: Their bonds were cut.
Viggo: They ran over here...
Aragorn: And were followed. Tracks lead away from the battle...
Viggo: Into Fangorn Forest.
John: Fangorn...what madness drove them there?
The hobbits are just inside Fangorn Forest...
Pippin: Did we lose him?
Billy: I think we lost him.
Grishnakh: I'm gonna rip off your heads! C'mere!
Dom: Trees! Climb a tree! (They scramble up a tree)
Merry: He's gone.
Dom: No, Merry, I really think you ought to climb up higher-
Grishnakh pulls Merry out of the tree and Dom as well, since Dom was trying to pull Merry up.
Pippin turns and looks at the tree. He looks back at Merry, then jerks back as a gleaming yellow eye opens in the tree trunk.
(He falls backwards and manages to knock Billy off too, but Treebeard catches them.)
Grishnakh: Let's put a maggot-hole in your belly...(Treebeard squishes him)
Pippin: Run, Merry!
Dom: Actually you don't need to-Hey! Be careful, Leaf-hair! (Treebeard picks Merry and Dom up)
Treebeard: Little Orcs!
Pippin: It's talking, Merry. The tree is talking.
Treebeard: Tree? I am no tree! I am an Ent.
Merry: Tree-herder! A shepherd of the forest!
Dom: I could have told you that, but would anyone listen to me? Nooo!
Pippin: Don't talk to it, Merry. Don't encourage it.
Billy: (kicks Pippin)
Dom: Guys, this is Treebeard, the oldest Ent around, and quite possibly one of the wisest beings on Middle-earth.
Treebeard: Treebeard some call me, Fangorn others make it. Treebeard will do.
Pippin: And whose side are you on?
Treebeard: Side? I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side. Nobody cares for the woods as I do, not even the Elves anymore.
Dom: Incidentally, your initial statement was incorrect. We are not Orcs, we're Hobbits. Well, they're hobbits, Billy and I are human-turned-hobbits.
Treebeard: Never heard of a hobbit before. Sounds like Orc mischief to me. They come with fire, they come with axes, biting, breaking, hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers, curse them!
Merry: We're not Orcs, we're hobbits! Halflings! Shire folk!
Treebeard: Maybe you are and maybe you aren't. The White Wizard will know.
Pippin: The White Wizard?
Dom: No, actually, it's not Saruman, our dear old Gandalf has had a advancement in rank and-oof.
Treebeard drops all four hobbits in front of the...wizards?
Ian: That would be him. Dom, Billy, you two all right?
Billy: Yeah. Nice to know that whatever elf-magic brought us here extended to keeping you alive.
Ian: Yeah, we killed the Balrog in the first hour, and then I had to keep Gwaihir from bringing us to Lorien too soon.
Dom: Interesting. I wonder if any of us even can be killed.
Billy: Not an experiment I would be eager to try.
Merry: I just thought-are Sean and Elijah with Frodo and Sam?
Gandalf: Sam went with Frodo?
Dom: Probably. Oh no.
Dom: The Ring.
Gandalf: What about it?
Dom: What if--
Billy: Lij has the Ring?
Gandalf: We must hope for the best...though I do not see how this could happen. It was not foreseen.
Ian: What do you mean, foreseen?
Gandalf: You know, that slightly annoying sixth sense in the back of your head that tells you things are going to happen sometimes?
Ian: Oh. That's foresight?
Billy: Ian, can you do magic?
Ian: Ummm....yes. And no, I won't do anything, and Treebeard?
Treebeard: Hoom, hom, I will take the little ones to my home. They will be safe there...do not be hasty.
Gandalf: Good advice, Treebeard, but sometimes one must be hasty...a thing that would be good to remember. Run along, Merry, Pippin.
Ian: You heard him, now scat.
Once again, thanks to Tigerlily_Goldworthy for beta-ing.
For those who don't know it, Viggo actually broke 3 toes filming that scene.
To be continued...when I have time.