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The Fellowship of the Ring - Part 13 - The Battle of Amon Hen - Part II
April 13, 2004
Submitted By Ugluk
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Lurtz: Boromir, you're a real idiot. All we wanted was those two Halflings. You decided to try and stop us. Now you're practically dead, and as soon as I release this arrow you'll be totally dead. And we've got the Halflings anyway. Before I kill you, though, just out of curiosity I'd like to know why you did something as stupid as that?
Boromir: Well, you see, we have a very strict code of honor back in Minas Tirith. It's written into our Moral Code of Ethics and The Proper Things To Do In Any Given Situations In Twenty-Four Volumes. Anyway, on page 43 of volume eight, it specifically says "wherefore if thou art in an given situation wherest there is evil afoot, in the form of either Orcs, Wargs, or evil Men, and there be any sentient creature around thyself that dost not know the art of either swordplay or martial arts, then thou shalt hurl thyself to their rescue, even though thou mayest perish, otherwise thy honor shall be torn from thee and thou shall be in shame forever, even unto the ending of thy days." (gasp) Gee, these arrows hurt. Now, I see your point (groan) but my natural training kicked in and I couldn't (cough) help (cough) myself. (cough, cough) Sorry about that. (cough) One of these arrows (cough) seems to have pierced (cough) my lungs. (cough)
Lurtz: Great Ring of Isengard! That was a passionate speech. You're very eloquent. I almost feel bad about killing you. Oh well. Please understand I hold you in the highest respect. No offense about killing you, I mean.
Boromir: Oh, none taken. All's fair in blood and war.
Lurtz: But I will grant you this. Would you rather I shot you in your left eye or right?
Boromir: Uh, make it the right, I guess. But could you wait while I make out my will?
Lurtz: Sure, no problem. (long pause) Aren't you finished yet?
Boromir: Just about. There! Now just to stick it to this tree with a thumbtack so when my companions return they'll find it.
Lurtz: COMPANIONS! So THAT'S why you're delaying me from shooting you!
Boromir: Cursed be my soul if I should so trick a noble warrior as you!
Aragorn: GERONIMO! (crashes into Lurtz)
Boromir: Just kidding.
Lurtz: (whack)
Aragorn: Ouch! (CLING, CLANG, CRACK, BANG, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG!)
(Aragorn and Lurtz continue fighting for another ten minutes. Neither can gain the advantage)
Lurtz: How did you get so good?
Aragorn: I practice! For three hours a day!
Lurtz: You need to get yourself a girl, mate.
Aragorn: I have one already. That's why I kill Orcs, so her father will let us get married!
Lurtz: Three hours, eh? So I see you're pretty good at the swordplay. But how's your footwork?
(time passes as Aragorn and Lurtz seem to dance around the trees and stones)
Lurtz: Well done! Why do you do all this?
Aragorn: So when I see an Orc -- I can KILL IT!!!
(CLING, CLANG, CLASH, HACK)
Narrator: Then Lurtz had an idea: Make Aragorn lose his temper.
Lurtz: You know what the problem with humans is? It's the smell. I feel -- SATURATED by it. Especially with you.
Aragorn: YAAAAAH! (CLING, CLANG, WHACK!!!)
(Aragorn chops Lurtz's left arm off)
Lurtz: That didn't work...
Aragorn: You'll find, as time goes on, I only get stronger.
Lurtz: That's it. Pride. Fuel your anger. I have foiled your quest, killed your companion. Give in to your hatred. Strike me down, and your journey to the dark side will be complete.
Aragorn: (chops off Lurtz's head) What was he blathering about? I don't feel any different -- how you feeling, Boromir? Dead yet?
Boromir: They took Merry and Pippin! Farewell, my king! (dies)
Aragorn: Darn! Looks like we'll have to waste time putting this loser in a boat.
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... 13 Comments
This is great!: Give in to your hatred. Strike me down, and your journey to the dark side will be complete.
Aragorn: (chops off Lurtz’s head) What was he blathering about? I don’t feel any different -- how you feeling, Boromir? Dead yet?
Comment by Calime - April 13, 2004 @ 11:33 AM
I loved how you brought in POTC, and Star Wars, too. That was good!
Comment by Lalaith-Elerrina - April 13, 2004 @ 11:48 AM
Oh,Great Master of the Parody...
Accept my humble rating, I pray thee...
Comment by Tigerlily_Goldworthy - April 13, 2004 @ 12:13 PM
The only thing I don't know is why you didn't give us this in the cafe for your humour offering?
Loved Boromir and Lurtz' s conversation, you will write his will won't you in the next part? Pretty please?
Comment by tar_ancalime - April 13, 2004 @ 12:19 PM
i luv this really really gd!
Comment by WhiteCity - April 13, 2004 @ 1:54 PM
This is hilarious...mixing PotC, Star Wars, and LotR? Man, you're good.
Comment by Flying_dolphin - April 13, 2004 @ 5:38 PM
cant stop laughing!!! loved the POTC and star wars bits, very clever!!!!!
Comment by beyondalltowers - April 13, 2004 @ 6:08 PM
OH MY GOSH! Talk about hilareous! I'm sitting here at my computer laughing my head off! Great sense of humour! Thanks for the laughs! Keep it up please!!!
Comment by MerryAsMerry - April 13, 2004 @ 7:19 PM
I swear this series is hilarious!!
Love it!!
Comment by Anorelen - April 14, 2004 @ 7:44 AM
I LOVE it!!!! It's hilarious.
Comment by MysteriousWanderer - April 14, 2004 @ 8:18 AM
I have no idea why this is under 'stories' I submitted to the humour section. Ah well, it seems that the reactions were favorable. I shall endeavor to get the next part up as soon as possible.
-Ugluk
Comment by Ugluk - April 14, 2004 @ 10:56 AM
Beautiful Absolutely beautiful
Comment by Theshirelady - April 14, 2004 @ 11:42 AM
LOL! that was great! I loved the little Pirates referance in the middle. i luved it! Keep it up!
~Minyahwae Inglorion~
"Here at the end of all things..."
Comment by Minyahwae - April 15, 2004 @ 12:15 PM